Do you believe every woman should be or must be married? Have you ever considered that there may be different types of marriages? or perhaps, a more important marriage?
I ask these questions because I believe your answers are central to this discussion. I also believe it’s time we delved into some hard but necessary revelations about the place of marriage and its effect on us.
As a single woman in my early thirties, I have heard a lot of things said about marriage. Including the constant reminders on the state of my biological clock.
If you’ve also experienced this then you will agree that living as single women in our thirties is no easy feat. Not necessarily for the reasons most think. For us, there are a few constants (usually the external influences, the pressures and stereotypes) and a few truths. Let’s look at these in more detail
The most important marriage – The Constants
- Everyone (and their mother) are wondering why you’re still single.
- 85% of your conversations with family and friends (and some meddlesome interlopers) would usually revolve around your love life and most certainly, questions on whether you’ve found the one. You will notice that at this age, the question is not even if you’re dating (which you’re not) but if you’re getting married soon. It’s automatically assumed that the older you are, the shorter the courtship should be. It’s an interesting inverse relationship.
Let’s look at this little scenario (or what I call Chioma’s time capsule) – this is the expected time from when you meet to the wedding day 🙂
31-33 6 months
34-37. 3 months
38- 40. 1 month
40 – 45. 5 days
Above 50. Same day
- There’s a whole lot of pity, usually undeserving and unappreciated. Your life’s mission and purpose will usually be reduced to that elusive ring. Your very essence and identity are defined by the three letter word (Mrs).
- Comparisons will be the order of the day. “Ah! Look at Joan, she’s been married for four years and now has three children.
The Most important marriage – The Truths
- Marriage doesn’t define you neither does it complete you. Yes, Jerry Maguire, lied to us. No one completes you. They don’t even have what it takes to do so. Only one person is able and willing to do it. You guessed right, only Jehovah can. John 10:10
2. If your solace in your singleness is tied to the unhappiness of those in marriage then you’re on shaky ground. The fact that Sarah, who got married at the “ripe age” of 25 is unhappy in her marriage or is barren doesn’t mean you are any better. For one thing, no one knows the future. You may have dodged a few bad eggs in your twenties and finally gotten married in your 30’s. This doesn’t guarantee happiness. Happiness is a personal decision and for it to work, it has to exist in spite of everything happening around you.
‘There is no guarantee to happiness but there is a God who will always be there, providing his abundant peace, love and joy.‘
- Marriage is just another expression of God’s love and his command to be fruitful and multiply Genesis 1:28. I will continue to reiterate that God’s plan for fruitfulness goes deeper than marriage as we know it. It is more about the spiritual marriage between Christ and the church. It is for us to come back to him. But then, if you don’t agree, then this would mean those who are not married are disobeying God. Which will also mean our Lord and Saviour Jesus disobeyed his father as well as his Apostle Paul and probably John, the Baptist.
4. Marriage is a beautiful gift that has been abused over the years. The focus for many has been to get married at all costs. Which may mean we overlook such things as character, principles, compatibility, beliefs or even friendship, all in a bid to get married, quickly. I have often wondered why this is the case. The next truth may explain it better.
5. The pressure is real. There are usually the constant pressures to get married. These could be from our families, friends, colleagues and even the church. The benefits and ‘rightness’ of marriage are often espoused, but do you know one other truth? We will be fine, with or without marriage.
Dear Sis, you will be fine. Don’t let this pressure get to you. I am also speaking to myself. For those who know me and ask the ‘when’ question. I know you mean well but stop. I’m not God and neither are you. If you want me or any of us married, then take it to God in prayer. This will definitely be more productive.
Not everyone will get married.
Yes, I said it. Not only is it statistically impossible (unless we allow more of polygamy and polyandry) but also for spiritual reasons (purpose-wise).
I have often been told that God’s plan is for everyone to be married. I strongly disagree and believe this is not only dangerous but also pigeonholing God into our idea of him. We all have different and unique destinies. And for some, this may include a life of singleness.
I recently read a book by a wonderful female Vicar (Kate Wharton), who confirmed that God’s plan was that she serve him in singleness. It was a difficult decision for her but she has now accepted it.
You alone know what the Holy Spirit is telling you. Listen to him and not to us, so we don’t lead you astray with ‘well meaning but dangerous platitudes’.
This Marriage must happen
You probably agree with a few of the things I’ve said and are sceptical about a few others. But there is one thing I need us to never forget; it’s in building our lives with meaning and intention. It’s in never forgetting that life continues beyond this world.
Dear Sis, let’s remember that our souls matter more than any man out there. The delights of this world, though great, are only temporal. Our focus should always be to please our Master. Often hard but always worth it. There is one marriage that must happen, this is truly the most important marriage and it is one between us and God. Whatever happens, let’s work hard not to miss this one.
More on Marriage and Singleness…
Hi friend, would you like to read more posts on marriage and singleness? Here you go: