Do you believe every woman should be or must be married? Have you ever considered that there may be different types of marriages? or perhaps, a more important marriage?
I ask these questions because I believe your answers are central to this discussion. I also believe it’s time we delved into some hard but necessary revelations about the place of marriage and its effect on us.
As a single woman in my early thirties, I have heard a lot of things said about marriage. Including the constant reminders on the state of my biological clock.
If you’ve also experienced this then you will agree that living as single women in our thirties is no easy feat. Not necessarily for the reasons most think. For us, there are a few constants (usually the external influences, the pressures and stereotypes) and a few truths. Let’s look at these in more detail
The most important marriage – The Constants
- Everyone (and their mother) are wondering why you’re still single.
- 85% of your conversations with family and friends (and some meddlesome interlopers) would usually revolve around your love life and most certainly, questions on whether you’ve found the one. You will notice that at this age, the question is not even if you’re dating (which you’re not) but if you’re getting married soon. It’s automatically assumed that the older you are, the shorter the courtship should be. It’s an interesting inverse relationship.
Let’s look at this little scenario (or what I call Chioma’s time capsule) – this is the expected time from when you meet to the wedding day 🙂
Age. Period
31-33 6 months
34-37. 3 months
38- 40. 1 month
40 – 45. 5 days
Above 50. Same day
- There’s a whole lot of pity, usually undeserving and unappreciated. Your life’s mission and purpose will usually be reduced to that elusive ring. Your very essence and identity are defined by the three letter word (Mrs).
- Comparisons will be the order of the day. “Ah! Look at Joan, she’s been married for four years and now has three children.
The Most important marriage – The Truths
- Marriage doesn’t define you neither does it complete you. Yes, Jerry Maguire, lied to us. No one completes you. They don’t even have what it takes to do so. Only one person is able and willing to do it. You guessed right, only Jehovah can. John 10:10
2. If your solace in your singleness is tied to the unhappiness of those in marriage then you’re on shaky ground. The fact that Sarah, who got married at the “ripe age” of 25 is unhappy in her marriage or is barren doesn’t mean you are any better. For one thing, no one knows the future. You may have dodged a few bad eggs in your twenties and finally gotten married in your 30’s. This doesn’t guarantee happiness. Happiness is a personal decision and for it to work, it has to exist in spite of everything happening around you.
‘There is no guarantee to happiness but there is a God who will always be there, providing his abundant peace, love and joy.‘
- Marriage is just another expression of God’s love and his command to be fruitful and multiply Genesis 1:28. I will continue to reiterate that God’s plan for fruitfulness goes deeper than marriage as we know it. It is more about the spiritual marriage between Christ and the church. It is for us to come back to him. But then, if you don’t agree, then this would mean those who are not married are disobeying God. Which will also mean our Lord and Saviour Jesus disobeyed his father as well as his Apostle Paul and probably John, the Baptist.
4. Marriage is a beautiful gift that has been abused over the years. The focus for many has been to get married at all costs. Which may mean we overlook such things as character, principles, compatibility, beliefs or even friendship, all in a bid to get married, quickly. I have often wondered why this is the case. The next truth may explain it better.
5. The pressure is real. There are usually the constant pressures to get married. These could be from our families, friends, colleagues and even the church. The benefits and ‘rightness’ of marriage are often espoused, but do you know one other truth? We will be fine, with or without marriage.
Dear Sis, you will be fine. Don’t let this pressure get to you. I am also speaking to myself. For those who know me and ask the ‘when’ question. I know you mean well but stop. I’m not God and neither are you. If you want me or any of us married, then take it to God in prayer. This will definitely be more productive.
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Not everyone will get married.
Yes, I said it. Not only is it statistically impossible (unless we allow more of polygamy and polyandry) but also for spiritual reasons (purpose-wise).
I have often been told that God’s plan is for everyone to be married. I strongly disagree and believe this is not only dangerous but also pigeonholing God into our idea of him. We all have different and unique destinies. And for some, this may include a life of singleness.
I recently read a book by a wonderful female Vicar (Kate Wharton), who confirmed that God’s plan was that she serve him in singleness. It was a difficult decision for her but she has now accepted it.
You alone know what the Holy Spirit is telling you. Listen to him and not to us, so we don’t lead you astray with ‘well meaning but dangerous platitudes’.
This Marriage must happen
You probably agree with a few of the things I’ve said and are sceptical about a few others. But there is one thing I need us to never forget; it’s in building our lives with meaning and intention. It’s in never forgetting that life continues beyond this world.
Dear Sis, let’s remember that our souls matter more than any man out there. The delights of this world, though great, are only temporal. Our focus should always be to please our Master. Often hard but always worth it. There is one marriage that must happen, this is truly the most important marriage and it is one between us and God. Whatever happens, let’s work hard not to miss this one.
More on Marriage and Singleness…
Hi friend, would you like to read more posts on marriage and singleness? Here you go:
I love this post SO much. I actually just got married – but wait for it. I’m 41! I remember so many years of people asking when I was getting married. Marriage certainly doesn’t define anyone. It’s so lovely to have, but being married definitely doesn’t mean you have happiness. This is why I’m glad I got married later – as I am a strong confident woman who can do things on my own and my husband is something I chose to have to enhance my life and happiness. Also, I really feel like you know what you want when you have more experience. P.S. I love your timeline LOL
Wow! Thank you so much, Yolanda. I absolutely agree and I’m so glad you shared your story. We need more women to seek God and find fulfilment in that relationship and not put their hopes on an earthly marriage.
Love this!
I’m 27 and I do agree with you about the pressures placed on Christian Women to get married. It’s seems as if the closer I get to 30 – the more well – meaning family and friends ask questions. Even going so far as making assumptions that I don’t want to get married at all! And I’m kindly having to explain to them that I enjoy the singleness God has given me AND I desire marriage – yes, I can do both.
But above all, I’m glad to finally have found peace in my singleness. (It was a struggle to find that peace and some days, it’s still a struggle). And like you said – to have the one marriage that truly matters – the one with Christ!
Thank you so much, Alisha for sharing your perspective. I’m so glad that you found peace. Marriage is a beautiful expression of God’s love and it is also a blessing when done according to the will of God. I also desire to be married but also understand that it isn’t really up to me. Our focus should be to live full and amazing lives, whether married or single.
I married “young” at 23 and we got the opposite end of the criticism because we didn’t wait long enough (engaged after 3 months) and didn’t date around to see what we liked. I don’t know why people are so hung up on others’ relationships.
Hi Heather, thanks for sharing your perspective. I agree. Many times, these people may be well meaning but they usually end up saying the wrong things or focusing on the non-essentials.
Whether one is married or single the main point of this post is applicable to all. Overall we need to make our relationship with God a priority and not let our circumstances distract us.
I think it’s also important for those of us who are married to not make marriage seem like more than it is or to unintentionally discourage those who are not married. Instead, we should encourage each other in our pursuit of God.
Absolutely, Courtney! God should always come first.
I was married at 40. Wasn’t saved until 39. It appeared He wanted me saved before marriage so I could recognize a godly man when I saw him.
But I certainly did have many of the same issues before marriage. And it has since occurred to me that if He chose to keep me single, He would have kept me secure and content in Him.
Hi Peggy, God really knows us better than we could ever know ourselves. Thank you so much for sharing your perspective on this.
I agree that not everyone will get married, just as not everyone will have kids. And some of us got married and maybe should not have! You hit the key point for all forms of relationship: There is to be a spiritual relationship between God and the church. We have most certainly gotten away from that and I for one would love some extra quiet time to spend with God (well, I do and I just ignore my husband!). Marriage isn’t always all it’s cracked up to be- but Jesus? He is so much more.
Hi Leah, thank you for your honest and forthright perspective on this. Jesus really is so much more and I pray more of us will cherish and develop that relationship above all else.
Some really interesting points here – some I agree with. I am also in my 30s now and people do compare you to others, especially my parents who compare my life with theirs when they were my ags x
Thanks a lot, Becca. I like that you agree with some but not all. Would love to get your perspective on this.
Thank you so much for sharing this! I have for the longest time been upset about the fact that most people believe that a woman’s value lies in how fast she can get a man to commit. I pray that more women accept the truths that God speaks to us as a single person and value the time they get to spend with God.
Hi Justine. Thank you so much for your kind words. It really hurts when our very essence is reduced to our marital status. Amen to that prayer. May God continue to strengthen this generation of women to live for him without fear or recrimination.
I am on my second marriage, my 1st was a flop but God blessed me with 2 children. when I quit searching for “mr. right” and within a month I met the man I am now married to. we had a short God based courtship then married. and we were blessed with another child. An amazing Husband who cares for me with all my medical issues, lupus being just one of the issues
Beautiful article.
I have some comments.
1. You use the reference John 10:10. I understand no one completes anybody in life but also friends, marriage partners don’t come to steal from you. We are just help meet. Like someone said, you need ship to take you from one harbour to the other harbour and those ‘ships’ come in various forms.
2. I love your Christian conviction and courage, please keep it.
3. In passing, men also goes through same challenge when they marry late.