The incessant prayers, the constant reminders and the ultimatums, have become the reality of many single women, including myself. The external pressures have become an expected occurrence and often heighten our internal pressures to settle down. Over the past weeks, I’ve been sharing glimpses of some of the things that happen to single women. When I drew up this list, I realised how unique this period is in a woman’s life.
In many ways, society has turned this to a time when people are openly allowed to interfere. Where your family, friends and even people you not know believe they are free to speak, and we are expected to listen, to their words, assurances and opinions about our single status.
I shared these happenings as a way of bringing the burdens and expectations on single women, to light. People need to realize that sometimes, what they term as “meaning well” is anything but. What they refer to as words of encouragement that seem harmless, are usually weighed down by biases, prejudices and unmet expectations.
When a single woman is told: “Don’t worry, you will be married soon”. These words may have been said to encourage the single woman but may end up creating a whole new set of issues. What may have seemed innocuous is actually loaded with unnecessary pressures and expectations.
Let’s break it down:
The use of ‘don’t worry’ presupposes that we are worried. The last part of the sentence further confirms that we are not only worried but believe it is getting late to be married and we need to do so quickly. By also using this phrase, this person intimates that they have some insight as to when wedded bliss will come our way, which they probably don’t.
This is similar to telling a married woman who doesn’t have kids, “don’t worry, you will have kids soon” or “God will give you kids soon”. Yet again, a presumption on a position that such a person can not confirm. I term many of such phrases as “Christianise”, words that have as an acceptable practice in the Christian fold but don’t mean much.
Paige Benton gives some instructive responses to popular statements we hear about singleness:
“warped theology is at the heart of attempts to “explain” singleness:
“As soon as you’re satisfied with God alone, he’ll bring someone special into your life” – as if God’s blessings are ever earned by our contentment.
“You’re too picky”—as though God is frustrated by our fickle whims and needs broader parameters in which to work.
“As a single you can commit yourself wholeheartedly to the Lord’s work” – as though God requires emotional martyrs to do his work, of which marriage has no part.
“Before you can marry someone wonderful the Lord has to make you someone wonderful” – as though God grants marriage as a second blessing to the satisfactorily sanctified.”
Our singleness is not a curse, a disease or an unpleasant situation we need to do away with and we can no longer accept a rhetoric that tells us this. We matter, we are truly loved and there is so much for us to achieve.
What these pressures mean for single women
While sharing tidbits of things that happen to single women, I have seen other women(and men) also share their experiences. Particularly how their marital status always seems to be the focal point in any given situation.
I find it interesting and very sad that some of the people that perpetuate the pressures and unfair expectations were people who had unpleasant experiences while they were single. They consciously or consciously propagate the very things they hated. Why?!
I will like to reiterate that there is more to life than one’s marital status, whether they are single or married.
Our eternity matters more and should always be our main focus. We cannot allow people force us into things that will put our eternity in jeopardy, such as marrying just any body or just for the sake of marriage.
Talking about these things often brands us as not being interested in marriage, which would be wrong and unfair. Should we keep quiet in the face of discrimination, intimidation or application of wrong doctrines? I hope not. My desire to get married has no bearing on my deeper desire to speak against a clear and unfair placement of marriage. Marriage is a blessing from God and so is singleness. He is the creator and giver of this gift of marriage so it will be very wrong of us to place the gift above the giver or the life he has for us.
The simple truth is that it is not marriage or having children that will get us into heaven or even ensure we live a great life on earth. Certainly not! Marriage is an addition to what we have and it is indeed beautiful when we let the giver of this gift, our great and ever loving father, decide if, when and how we get this gift.
Living our lives inspite of the pressures to get married
I have seen time and again that the pressures help no one. They cause anxiety and pain for many single women and barely foster better relationships for those who are behind these hurtful words and actions.
Our lives are a gift and one we need to make the most of. We can no longer Iive based on another’s expectations or conditions. I do know that many of us desire to be married and will continue to do so, but I pray that we bring this desire to the throne of grace, believing that God knows what is best for us.
I say these things so we enjoy where we are currently, as I once read “there is no present like time“.
Let us walk in this boldness knowing that we have a wonderful father who has so much in store for us and wants us to keep our focus on him and not on society’s expectations.
Dear friend, I hope this post is the encouragement you need to go on and flourish!
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