Are you going to get married?

I think when a woman gets to a certain age and she’s still not married, the types of questions she’s asked take on a new twist.

This is particularly so when she’s vocal about making the most of singleness.

I can’t tell you the number of times people either asked or assumed I didn’t want to get married.

I have actually had friends who held on to my shoulder, with a frown and gently asked

“You’re not against marriage, are you?”

“You plan on getting married, right?”

And their reasons were obvious.

When you are past what some call the ‘prime’ age for marriage and you still look relatively happy with your lot, people may worry that you’re not worried.

But even if this was not the case, the fact still remains that as we get older, the expectation that we will settle down increases, and where our life’s trajectory does not follow this well-worn path, we will more frequently be asked the ‘will you get married’ question.

I have spent the better part of the last four years encouraging other single ladies like me and reminding them that there is more to life than marriage. For some, this automatically means that I have something against marriage, or I don’t plan to get married.

This couldn’t be further from the truth.

If you’re anything like me then you probably want to get married, but also know that:

• Getting married is not within our control. I will explain more later.
• Secondly, our desire for marriage remains subsumed into our beliefs and values. In effect, you do not want to get married for the sake of it. Nope! There’s more to life than just ticking another box of adulthood. You understand that marriage is one of life’s most important decisions and requires thought and conviction.

 

How to respond to the ‘will you get married’ question

The simplest response to the will you get married question is ‘yes.’ If you do want to get married.

But then, there should also be a caveat – by God’s grace.

While we may desire marriage, we must still appreciate the fact that it is God who makes this possible.

In the above section, I mentioned that getting married is not within our control. That may have sounded a bit confusing, seeing as we are the ones who get to say yes or no to a marriage proposal.

My inference to control is in two parts.

The first is the more obvious reality that we cannot marry ourselves. I think when people ask us if we will get married, it almost seems that all we have to do is go out and get married.

If only it were that straightforward, right? Lol ?

As the saying goes, it takes two to tango…and since the current belief system is for the man to find a ‘good thing’,(us) we are to wait to be found (and be found by the right man).

The second part of my inference is more important.

This relates to the foundation of our Christian life. I am simply referring to the fact that when we gave our lives to Christ, we handed over – our will, our desires, our hopes, and dreams.

We gave God every part of our lives so we are no longer living for ourselves but are now living for Christ.

In effect, we are supposed to be women who are directed and guided by the Holy Spirit.

While this is the way it should be, I am not naive enough to underestimate how hard it is to live a ‘sold-out’ life. How hard it is to allow God’s word and precepts to dictate every aspect of our lives.

 

 

Understanding what the marriage question is really about

I believe that there are many sub-questions subsumed into the ‘will you get married’ question.

Basically, it raises other issues, including questions about our faith, our character, and our marriageability.

And these undertones, if not well managed, can be a blow to our emotions and self-image. It can make us question our lives, and invariably, God.

We may get lost in the unending cycle of wondering what is wrong with us and why we are still single.

Though this line of questioning is understandable, I pray we do not allow ourselves to go down that path of hopelessness and pain.

I think we can look at the ‘will you get married’ question at face value.

It is simply someone who wants to know whether we are interested in marriage. And depending on who it is and how the question is asked, we can choose to answer (we can even erk out a smile as we answer).

The first time I was asked this question, I felt like I was under attack and went on the defensive. You can imagine that the conversation went downhill from there.

These days, I am better prepared for such a question. By God’s grace, I have learned not to take offense, no matter how this question or other variations are asked.

I have learned that while I cannot control what others say to me, I can control how I respond.

And this has been thoroughly liberating though it is still not easy.

There are times when it seems the person is out to press ‘your buttons’. You know those people who ask you a million questions about marriage…like, why are they so invested in my love life, right? Lol

 

Conclusion – How to reframe the issues

I believe that these marriage-related questions give us an incredible opportunity to educate and encourage.

We get to remind others (and ourselves) that marriage is a gift from God, and we have to trust God, the giver of all good gifts, to bless us with this gift. We can also remind them that it is God who knows the times and seasons, and as his daughters, we must believe that He has a future and a hope for us and that all things will work together, in His time.

Ultimately, the answer to the above question, though pedantic and a bit vague but no less true is that – ‘if the Lord will, I will get married.’

 

Have you ever been asked the will you get married question?

How did you respond?

Would love to know, please share in the comments.