3 reasons why singleness is hard

It started with a flight booking I had made.

I had clicked on the Ms. option under the title section but received a confirmation email as Mrs Chioma Oparadike. This was not only incorrect but worrisome.

Before this incident, I had had a similar encounter on a work trip.

The ticket had been purchased by my firm, and when I received my ticket, I noticed that it referred to me as Mrs.
I raised this with HR and was informed that the particular airline had only two options. You’re either a Mr or Mrs.

When I related this incident to another colleague, she told me to ‘claim it’. You can imagine how unhelpful that was.

The above stories happened a few years ago, but I still constantly face this.

I still go to places where I am automatically addressed as a Mrs. And then get into the awkward dance of deciding if it’s worth correcting the error or to just let things be.
These stories are reminders that being single is still something we have to navigate both personally and communally.

Here’s an interesting fact:
Depending on who you speak to (and what time of the year you speak to them), you will likely hear that being single is hard.

You will likely be told of the many reasons why they don’t want to be single…why this life is not for them.

And as a single woman in my 30’s, I get it!

I can totally relate to the seasonality of the pressures, and our emotions.

I can testify to the crazy things our minds do and how seemingly innocuous words can have the opposite effect.
But, I also know it is not the full story.

This is one of those stories with three sides; how we feel, how others act, and what the truth is.

In this post, I would like us to consider the first two and I hope to talk about the third side (the truth), in another post.

Okay! I will be the first to say that this is not an easy issue to discuss.
Singleness is an area of vulnerability for many women and I don’t take that lightly.

The fact remains that we, Christian girls, often struggle with singleness. I believe it is an area that should be broached with respect and sensitivity.

Perhaps, I have taken the liberties of constantly beating at this ‘singleness’ horse because I am also single.

But I want to believe it’s also because I truly care about this topic and I think we need to dismantle some of the expectations as well as the dangerous thought processes attached to singleness and marriage.

You may be able to relate to some of the things I talk about in this post but even if you don’t, I hope you read till the end and share your own perspective.

Three reasons why singleness is hard

1. The pressures and expectations

One reason why singleness is hard is because of the pressures and expectations. I have spoken a bit about this in previous posts, but I would like us to dissect these a bit further.
Most single women have heard some variation of the following statements:

“Are you dating anyone yet?”

“You’re too pretty not to be married?”

“Are all these men blind or is it that you are too picky?

“Just marry him. Remember that no one is perfect. Marry before your time runs out!”

“How come you are not married? When I was your age, I already had three of my children”

“Do you want me to die without seeing my grandchildren?”

 

I don’t know about you but many of these statements cut deep. They hit us in our most vulnerable places and often make us feel less than we are.

And an inexplicable fact is that many of the people who say these things ‘mean well’.

They say they want us happy and in our own homes.

They say that marriage is a blessing from God, and some even say marriage is a commandment.
This makes their words compelling but no less hurtful, especially when said in an accusatory fashion.

I’ve come to believe that, for some, the focus is more that we are married. They don’t even care who we marry or what our lives turn out like after marriage.

It’s about getting the ring.

Moving out of our parent’s or spinster apartment and into our married homes.

The pressures are felt at work, with family members, and even in the church.

In some instances, getting promoted or getting into a leadership position may be tied to your marital status, with people weighing in on your relationships and character based on this. Making us feel like a pariah or the ‘project’.

 

2. The feeling that we got the short end of the stick

I think another reason, why singleness is hard, is because deep down, we believe it is unfair.

We believe that we have been deprived of something, something that married people have and that sense of unfairness often eats at us.

It’s what we remember when we see loving families when we see envy-worthy Instagram couples or attend weddings.

That feeling that it could be us.

That it should be us.

Added to this is a feeling of inadequacy.

We may feel that there is something innately wrong with us which is why we are not married.  This is especially so if you have suffered from unrequited love and many broken relationships.

We may believe that God does not love us as much, which only pushes us into a spiral of anxiety, fear, and pain.

 

3. The lack of companionship and children

Life is hard!’
That used to be one of my mantras in my early twenties.

It was a phrase I said with humour when some unexpected skirmish happened. I did not necessarily mean it in a bad way, but I also realized that it had an effect on my physique.

You may be wondering where I am going with this, and I will tell you in one word – loneliness.

Singleness is hard because we are lonely. 
This is a major pain of being a single Christian. We long for companionship and believe we will get that with a husband and children.

This is a deep-seated belief and longing for many single Christian women.
We long for intimacy – for unrestricted sex without the guilt (yes, I said it! and you know it’s true ? ).
We want children we can cuddle and love on.
These are things we may believe we deserve and being single keeps pushing them out of our reach.

More so, the older we get, the more lonely life seems.

This may be because we are not able to spend as much time with friends and our extended families, many of who may now have their own families.

 

How do you cope with the pressures and expectations?

I have just shared three compelling reasons why singleness is hard.

These probably mirror your current realities, but my question is; how do you cope with these realities? What do you do?

Run and Hide

It’s true that we are all different with different thresholds for pain and patience.

I especially struggled with the pressures and expectations when I was in my late 20’s and early 30’s.

I had this particular aunt I used to avoid at all costs because I knew there was only one thing she ever asked about – marriage. Her questions often left me feeling bad and insecure, and I just didn’t want to face them.

But I also learned that I couldn’t run forever. I couldn’t hide my reality.

Overindulgence
I also know another way we cope is by living vicariously through books, movies, and other ‘fairytale dreams’. We try to make up for what we believe we do not have by overindulging in the ‘other life’.

However, this often leaves us worse off; heightening our perceived deprivation…

Painting a dire picture focused on all that we don’t have, leaving out what we do.

And I guess that is the crux of this story or should I say: this perspective!

Seeing only the issues around being single is not a reflection of the truth, nor even a full reflection of the facts.

Looking at our singleness from the mirror of what we don’t have stops us from enjoying what we do!

We may spend months and years in static mode, afraid to do anything that could possibly dim the fairytale. While the struggles single women face are real, there is a way out and we must stop hiding out of fear and worry.

We cannot afford to do so anymore!

Conclusion

Yes, singleness can be hard but it can also be beautiful! And the same goes for marriage! We must remember that the issues of life do not end when we get married.

We just face a whole different spectrum of challenges, and this is why we need the truth and encouragement for single Christian ladies.

As godly single women, we need to be reminded that our lives are not a waste neither are we lost or forgotten.

Each of us was specially created by a loving and intentional father, we were created for his purpose and pleasure and it would be remiss not to trust him with this all-important area.

Here is a life-changing Psalm from king David:

“Every single moment you are thinking of me! How precious and wonderful to consider that you cherish me constantly in your every thought! O God, your desires toward me are more than the grains of sand on every shore! When I awake each morning, you’re still with me. You formed my innermost being, shaping my delicate inside and my intricate outside, and wove them all together in my mother’s womb. I thank you, God, for making me so mysteriously complex! Everything you do is marvelously breathtaking. It simply amazes me to think about it! How thoroughly you know me, Lord!”

I hope you spend some time pondering the beautiful words of this Psalm.

I don’t know what you are going through right now, but I pray you never forget who you are in Christ.

“For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.”

Ephesians 2:10(NLT)