Is sex good or bad? This was a question I asked myself, many times while growing up. The information I received was usually conflicting and most peoples’ reaction to sex didn’t help.
For a long time, I couldn’t even use the word in public. I would usually look for variations or infer it. Through my actions, it was obvious that I believed there was something wrong and negative about this word.
The genesis of this thinking is understandable. Years of being told not to say it, seeing the adults around me say it in a hushed tone and just the general reluctance of the church to even mention it seemed to support the perceived wrongness of the act.
It became synonymous with using curse words in public. A word you would only hear and see in those movies we were warned never to watch and yet we somehow wonder why there is such an unhealthy relationship with sex.
The fact speaks for itself.
During the course of writing this post, I looked up Christian quotes about sex and barely found any, the few I found seemed to speak more on abstinence and sexual sin and I believe this confirms my earlier concerns.
What is sex and why have Christians shied away from this topic?
What is Sex?
I have defined sex as an intimate physical activity between a man and woman for the purpose of connection, enjoyment and procreation.
This is not about the use of words or phrases, like ‘making love’, ‘the love act’ and other colloquialisms. Nor is it about crudity or being politically correct. It’s about embracing the freedom to talk about this subject. We all know that sex is not some new age phenomena, it is as old as time and the way procreation occurred.
But more than that, sex is a gift from God to deepen our human connection and make procreation possible.
God’s plan for mankind
Have you ever wondered about God’s plan for us in relation to sex? Here are a few scriptures to consider:
“And the Lord God said, “It is not good for man to be alone, I will make him a helper comparable to him.”
Genesis 2:18
“But at the beginning of creation, God ‘made them male and female’. For this reason, a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.”
Mark 10:6-9
These scriptures point to one integral point: sex or sexual intercourse was part of God’s plan for mankind. It was not only meant as a way of procreation but also for showing love, connection and exclusive intentions.
Abuse by the Devil
As you would expect, the Devil sought to corrupt the perfect will of God concerning sex and marriage.
“The thief does not come except to steal and to kill and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly.”
John 10:10
The devil changed the rhetoric on sex to one of feelings, of lust and of man’s helplessness to stop a “basic” instinct to have sexual intercourse. It became a symbol of showing affection with any and every one, beyond the bounds of marriage and married spouse.
He whispered to the world and to Christians that attraction, desire and insatiable hunger trumped God’s word and his plan for his children
But, we believe that this fight is not over, that we will change this perception of sex and bring it back to God’s original plan and within the confines of the marriage bed.
Expectations for the Church
This post would be incomplete without considering the role of the body of Christ. I absolutely believe that the church has to be vocal about sex, and not just about sexual sins, but also on God’s plan for sexual intercourse.
There’s a need for open and honest conversations about sex and its resultant effects.
Due to the reluctance by most churches to broach these subjects, which may stem from a fear of being seen as encouraging it or maybe, not being sure of how to tackle it, we have had Christians rely on questionable sources to explain this area of human life.
Our silence has cost us in more ways than one. It is interesting and yet saddening that we have not fully embraced this gift to mankind. That we have been silent when we could have been the voice in the storm, giving solace, providing biblical wisdom and bringing about positive and healthy change.
I believe that sex in all its ramifications (including sexual abuse and sexual sins) should be discussed at the Sunday school level. Like anything else, if we fail to teach it biblically then we leave it to the world to teach these things.
Rather than avoid the topic totally or put the fear of diseases and pregnancy as our way of ensuring abstinence, how about we use biblical wisdom? We teach our children and adults that there is a time for everything. “…a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing.” Ecclesiastes 3:5
How about we focus on the benefits of abstinence as our testament to loving God and not defiling our bodies, the temple of the Holy Spirit?
How about we allow room for questions, for curiosity and be willing to answer in truth and love?
The conversations about sex
We also have to consider the purity message that has been propagated, which in many ways, has turned to a battle between the virgins and non-virgins. Where women are esteemed for their virginity and not their heart for God. How about we remind people that it all starts with our hearts.
“Your purity is not based on what you’ve done with your body. It’s based on what Jesus did with His.”
Sheila Wray Gregoire
We also need to do away with the idea that sex is the duty of a wife to her husband or that women are not to required to enjoy it.
“…The marriage bed must be a place of mutuality – the husband seeking to satisfy his wife, the wife seeking to satisfy her husband. Marriage is not a place to “stand up for your rights.” Marriage is a decision to serve the other, whether in bed or out.”
1 Corinthians 7:3-5(MSG)
Of what use is a gift if not to be enjoyed? Sex is supposed to be a mutual, loving act and we should promote it as such. It’s about the connection on a physical and spiritual level. It is a form of worship to the God who gifted us with marriage.
Ultimately, the church needs to demystify the place of sex in marriage and seek to do this through all means available including sermons, counselling and Biblical classes.
The task for Christians
As members of the body of Christ, we have work to do. We can’t keep acting like sex is a taboo and fail to speak up when we should. It is too important to be left to the world to explain or handle.
We have to provide a support network for those who struggle with sexual sins but more so, we have to be quick to love and support victims of sexual abuse and assault.
We cannot be a body filled with hate, with unfair judgment, with fault finding and with arrogance. We cannot be a people who believe in our piety and treat those who suffer like they are less than us; unrighteous.
“When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and said to them, “Let anyone of you who is without sin be the first to throw a stone at her.”
John 8:7
The Plan for Married Couples
I encourage married couples to celebrate and promote a vibrant sex life. This is not about how often but about how open and loving you both are.
Sex is an important expression of love for those who are married. It is within the bounds of marriage that God called the man and the woman to become one flesh.
“May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer – may her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be intoxicated with her love.”
Proverbs 5: 18-19
This is a beautiful scripture and my prayer for married couples. But this doesn’t mean sex trumps other expressions of love in marriage. On the contrary, sex is one of the avenues for honest and open communication between couples, one without judgment or ridicule.
Married couples have to be willing to learn more about each other and ultimately to seek the satisfaction of the other in and beyond the marriage bed.
Conversations about sex: What’s yours?
What sort of relationship do you have with this subject? Is this something you are able to speak about, openly or do you cower or judge others(unfairly) when they touch on these issues?
Sex remains an important aspect of human life. Right now, the world is saddled with the vestiges of gender discrimination, intimidation and sexual abuse.
You are probably aware of the #metoo movement including the work of Christians who are speaking up against sexual harassment and assault within and outside the church. I believe that our reticence to speak on these issues has unfortunately empowered many predators and shamed many victims.
I pray that we allow the Holy Spirit bring about a much-needed change within the body of Christ and that we speak boldly on sexual issues.
“But when he, the Spirit of truth, comes, he will guide you into all truth…”
John 16:13(NIV)
Thank you for this beautiful post!
Thank you so much, Donna.
Very interesting post. I have been thinking some of these things lately.
Thanks a lot, Cynthia. Hope you will share your thoughts with us.
Great points here! I am a Christian wife who has blogged about sex for a long time, and I am always encouraging people to go back to what God says. That is where we get the most beautiful and accurate picture of how amazing it can be within the context of marriage.
Hello Julie, thanks a lot for your kind words and sharing your thoughts in this area. I would love to read your posts on this topic.
I think you’re totally right when you say sex should be talked about more openly and honestly in church. I think this is especially true in youth groups and young adult groups. Most of the time the focus in these conversations is just “don’t do it.” There’s not really much of a why given besides maybe, “God says so”, which isn’t super motivating in times of temptation. We have to reclaim a biblical vision of what sex’s purpose is, which you’ve talked about here. It’s not just about not getting pregnant or staying a virgin for your spouse or not getting an STD. It’s about trusting and obeying what God says and believing that he wants the best for us, that sex is a powerful thing that shouldn’t be indulged in outside of marriage for our sake and not just because of the possible consequences.
Thank you so much for explaining this more concisely. You have raised many of the critical points with understanding and dealing with sex.
Interesting and very well delivered post.
You are absolutely right about what we (Christians) don’t talk about gives chance for bad definition.
Human beings are curious set of species, but need guidance.
The more we talk about this subject the better it is to keep our society well informed.
The information out there isn’t balanced, but with post like yours we can begin to spread the true definition.
Thank you Chioma
Thank you so much, Orhue. I absolutely agree, the information out there is not balanced and we need more Christians speaking out about this.
Great post! Thank you for your willingness to address this topic with such grace! We should also be teaching more about purity, and warn of the dangers of pornography. Sex is a beautiful wonderful gift from God in the context of marriage.
Blessings, Misty
I absolutely loved this post and was very blessed by it. One part in particular when you spoke on looking at the woman’s heart and not the fact she holds her virginity. I have always struggled with sex with my husband because I was sexually active before marriage in other relationships. I didn’t know what was allowed in the marriage bed or not. And I had no one to talk to about it. I have always wished the church would teach on the full spectrum of sex, not trust the abstaining part. But as you said, biblically what God created it for. It would have surely saved me years of trial and error and wondering and feeling helpless lol. Thank you for this post sis. ♥️
Amen, anen, amen! I think sex is not talked about in church because of fear.
“ If we tell them, they’ll try it.” “Don’t give them ideas”. “They don’t ask and we don’t tell”.
And that mindset leaves the world to teach our kids the unbiblical view of sex—lust over love, infidelity over faithfulness and many over spouse.
I pray we do better with our young people, and early, so by the time the hormones kick in, they’ll have enough info and teaching (along with The Holy Ghost so Christ-like decisions will be made.
Amen. May we be bold enough to speak up and wise enough to seek God’s counsel before we do.
Great thoughts, thanks for sharing sis ?
Thanks a lot, Cika
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