There are a few theories out there on why women over a certain age are not married. Many of these may be stereotypical while others hold some truth.
I will be focusing on one of the most important reasons for why some single women are not married.
Before I go ahead, I want you to know this was hard to write, not because it’s not true but because of the magnitude of truth. I had touched on it in a previous post but had felt the burden in my spirit to focus squarely on it.
I know God wants me to speak about this and to do so in clear terms.
Here it is:
We are not married because we will forget God. Because getting married will take us away from God.
We have knowingly or unknowingly replaced God with marriage where our true service and our true love is not God but marriage or what we believe marriage will give us.
Our prayers for a good man have been unanswered and heaven has been silent not because God wants to deny us the good gifts he has for us but because he knows that this very thing we want will take us away from him.
We may promise or vow that we will be closer to him when we get married but is that really the truth?
We have to realise that God sees through our words. He is the only one that knows the true state of our hearts and our intentions.
Which means we can’t pay lip service to loving him.
Where is God in your life?
What are the things that matter to you? The things you focus all of your time and energy on. Many of us are so consumed with the need to get married and have children that every other thing takes second place.
Marriage becomes an idol in our lives and this idol will only grow bigger when we’re married to include the very husband and children we have desperately desired.
When we do this, we miss out on the most important relationship we could ever have.
One thing about idols is that we often don’t even realize what they are. We don’t realise how our identity, our happiness and our successes are tied to these idols.
Dear friend, it’s time for some honest introspection. Have you placed marriage on a pedestal? Do you believe your life will only make sense when you’re married and have children?
Do you equate your marriage with finding your purpose?
Well, I’m here to tell you that it will not happen. Should you force God’s hand or marry without recourse to him, you may find that your marriage becomes a den of problems rather than a haven of peace.
These words may seem harsh and hard but it wouldn’t be the first time. A look at the Bible will show how God feels when we demote him from his rightful place in our lives. The first and everlasting commandment is that we love God and that he remains number one in our lives.
“Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind.”
Luke 10:27(NKJV)
“You shall fear the Lord your God and him only shall you serve…”
Deutronomy 6:13 (para.)
God must come before marriage
Nothing and no one should take his place.
If you know you may have unknowingly done this, I know God is calling you to repent and come back to him.
“Repent then, and turn to God, so that your sins may be wiped out, that times of refreshing may come from the Lord,”
Acts 3:19(NIV)
Never forget that God gave us marriage as a gift and for a purpose – for companionship, for his glory and propagation of his kingdom. We cannot misuse this gift.
Similarly, God is not a trader neither is he Santa Clause. Be careful that your worship is not a trade by barter where you believe you should be rewarded with a good husband for serving God.
We are to serve him and love him because his is God and is worthy of all our praise.
God loves you and wants the best for you
Here’s another truth, repenting and changing our ways does not mean we will get married. Even if we were to love God without pretence or expectation, we have to realise this is not an automatic opening for marriage.
Marriage is not a reward for being good
Why? Because God’s plan for your life may mean that you will get married now, later or not at all.
I know this is hard to read much more accept but it doesn’t change the truth. God knows the path he has for you, trust him to bring it to pass. I promise you that it will be the best for you.
We need to remember that Our time on earth is merely a blip in eternity.
According to Rick Warren of The Purpose Driven Life “Measured against eternity, our time on earth is just a blink of an eye, but the consequences of it will last forever. The deeds of this life are the destiny of the next.”
Which means we have to be careful how we spend it since it is this temporary life that determines our permanent location (heaven or hell, life or death).
I hope looking at your life this way gives you perspective and helps you prioritize the permanent things over the temporary.
Get married for the right reasons
Dear friend, please don’t get married for marriage’s sake. Do it because you believe it is the right time and the right person.
Don’t scheme, pretend, lie or sin to get married, your life and identity in Christ is worth more than that.
I am always comforted knowing that God knows what’s best for us. You might not understand why it’s taken this long, you might even think he’s forgotten you, but know that he hasn’t.
He wants us to trust that he will give us what is right for us. Even if you’re feeling the pressures, even if everyone around you is getting married (and did it on their own terms, without God), realise that you’re different. No two lives are the same, so stop focusing on the lives of others.
As God’s child, you’re working under heaven’s rules not earth’s rules. This means you cannot live according to the precepts of the world even though you’re in the world.
Be encouraged! Remember that with God, it will all work out for your good and will definitely be better than anything you could have imagined for yourself.
“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”
Romans 8:28(NIV)
I completely agree with this! We dwell on marriage and having kids so much that we don’t even know what our purpose is for this season. God’s voice is ignored because we’re constantly saying “I hope I get married.” I liked how you spoke about marriage becoming an idol. It’s interesting that the thought of marriage continuously can become an idol.
Thank you so much, Chelle. It’s one of those idols that seems to sneak up on us. May God help us remained focused on him and trust him to give us the desires of our heart.
While I agree with much of what you say here, I don’t think that the reason that you or anyone else who wants to be married and is not currently married is because you’re not strong enough to not “forget” God if you were given a relationship. Honestly, that kind of thinking puts too much pressure on you and makes your relationship status dependent on your actions and attitudes and not on God’s grace. Marriage is completely a gift of God’s grace. Sometimes God gives that gift to people who will turn their marriage into an idol or people who don’t “deserve” it. If you are single right now, the reason that you are single is because that is what is God’s plan for you right now. If/when God gives you the gift of a relationship, it will not be because you finally got things “right” in your life. In fact, if you story is anything like mine, God will give you a relationship when you’re in the midst of marriage worship and/or you’re doing everything wrong in your life. Marriage is not something to be earned, but a gift to be received. It’s not dependent on your or anyone else’s actions, but simply on God’s grace. Yes, you should be wise and yes, you should try to use your single years well and draw closer to God, but you are never going to be in a good enough position with God that you “earn” a relationship. I’m guessing that’s not what you mean by this post, but that’s something that could be implicitly picked up in what you’re saying here. That kind of thinking led me to some very bad places, so I want to keep all my sisters out there out of the bondage that that kind of thinking can produce and that ensnared me for a long, long time. Much love!
Hello Ashleigh, thank you so much for your words and for sharing your story. I appreciate you taking time to clarify the possibility that people might misinterpret this post. It is very likely and I taken some time to show that focusing on God doesn’t mean we will get married. I shared more on this under the ‘God must come before marriage’ section. I absolutely believe and often say that marriage is a beautiful gift from God. But then, I also include that the fact that it is a gift doesn’t mean it is for everyone or that we determine when we will receive it. It is God in his infinite mercy and grace that bestows this gift on us.
This post was essentially for the Christian woman who may have, knowingly or unknowingly, made marriage an idol. It’s for us to check our actions and make sure that we haven’t placed the gift above the giver of the gift.
Thanks again for your comment and kind words. God’s blessings
I agree that the desire for marriage can become an idol. I think most women believe that marriage is a magic wand that will make all their problems and issues go away or like you said give them purpose. Marriage only fills in a part of you. In marriage you will need God more. So if the relationship with God isn’t present, you will struggle in your marriage because marriage is a beast lol! I’ve been married for 14 years now. It challenges you on all levels, reveals your heart and since we are inherently selfish, we definitely need God to help us to love our husbands and children in the way that brings God glory and gives the family what’s needed. Very real and much needed post! God bless you Sis!
Thanks a lot, Shannon for your words and for sharing your story. You have highlighted a major problem area for us as women, which is the idea that marriage will solve our problems. May God help us understand that he is the only one that can complete us and provide a way of escape in times of trouble.