There are a few theories out there on why women over a certain age are not married. Many of these may be stereotypical while others hold some truth.
I will be focusing on one of the most important reasons for why some single women are not married.
Before I go ahead, I want you to know this was hard to write, not because it’s not true but because of the magnitude of truth. I had touched on it in a previous post but had felt the burden in my spirit to focus squarely on it.
I know God wants me to speak about this and to do so in clear terms.
Here it is:
We are not married because we will forget God. Because getting married will take us away from God.
We have knowingly or unknowingly replaced God with marriage where our true service and our true love is not God but marriage or what we believe marriage will give us.
Our prayers for a good man have been unanswered and heaven has been silent not because God wants to deny us the good gifts he has for us but because he knows that this very thing we want will take us away from him.
We may promise or vow that we will be closer to him when we get married but is that really the truth?
We have to realise that God sees through our words. He is the only one that knows the true state of our hearts and our intentions.
Which means we can’t pay lip service to loving him.
Where is God in your life?
What are the things that matter to you? The things you focus all of your time and energy on. Many of us are so consumed with the need to get married and have children that every other thing takes second place.
Marriage becomes an idol in our lives and this idol will only grow bigger when we’re married to include the very husband and children we have desperately desired.
When we do this, we miss out on the most important relationship we could ever have.
One thing about idols is that we often don’t even realize what they are. We don’t realise how our identity, our happiness and our successes are tied to these idols.
Dear friend, it’s time for some honest introspection. Have you placed marriage on a pedestal? Do you believe your life will only make sense when you’re married and have children?
Do you equate your marriage with finding your purpose?
Well, I’m here to tell you that it will not happen. Should you force God’s hand or marry without recourse to him, you may find that your marriage becomes a den of problems rather than a haven of peace.
These words may seem harsh and hard but it wouldn’t be the first time. A look at the Bible will show how God feels when we demote him from his rightful place in our lives. The first and everlasting commandment is that we love God and that he remains number one in our lives.
“Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind.”
Luke 10:27(NKJV)
“You shall fear the Lord your God and him only shall you serve…”
Deutronomy 6:13 (para.)
God must come before marriage
Nothing and no one should take his place.
If you know you may have unknowingly done this, I know God is calling you to repent and come back to him.
“Repent then, and turn to God, so that your sins may be wiped out, that times of refreshing may come from the Lord,”
Acts 3:19(NIV)
Never forget that God gave us marriage as a gift and for a purpose – for companionship, for his glory and propagation of his kingdom. We cannot misuse this gift.
Similarly, God is not a trader neither is he Santa Clause. Be careful that your worship is not a trade by barter where you believe you should be rewarded with a good husband for serving God.
We are to serve him and love him because his is God and is worthy of all our praise.
God loves you and wants the best for you
Here’s another truth, repenting and changing our ways does not mean we will get married. Even if we were to love God without pretence or expectation, we have to realise this is not an automatic opening for marriage.
Marriage is not a reward for being good
Why? Because God’s plan for your life may mean that you will get married now, later or not at all.
I know this is hard to read much more accept but it doesn’t change the truth. God knows the path he has for you, trust him to bring it to pass. I promise you that it will be the best for you.
We need to remember that Our time on earth is merely a blip in eternity.
According to Rick Warren of The Purpose Driven Life “Measured against eternity, our time on earth is just a blink of an eye, but the consequences of it will last forever. The deeds of this life are the destiny of the next.”
Which means we have to be careful how we spend it since it is this temporary life that determines our permanent location (heaven or hell, life or death).
I hope looking at your life this way gives you perspective and helps you prioritize the permanent things over the temporary.
Get married for the right reasons
Dear friend, please don’t get married for marriage’s sake. Do it because you believe it is the right time and the right person.
Don’t scheme, pretend, lie or sin to get married, your life and identity in Christ is worth more than that.
I am always comforted knowing that God knows what’s best for us. You might not understand why it’s taken this long, you might even think he’s forgotten you, but know that he hasn’t.
He wants us to trust that he will give us what is right for us. Even if you’re feeling the pressures, even if everyone around you is getting married (and did it on their own terms, without God), realise that you’re different. No two lives are the same, so stop focusing on the lives of others.
As God’s child, you’re working under heaven’s rules not earth’s rules. This means you cannot live according to the precepts of the world even though you’re in the world.
Be encouraged! Remember that with God, it will all work out for your good and will definitely be better than anything you could have imagined for yourself.
“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.”
Romans 8:28(NIV)
I completely agree with this! We dwell on marriage and having kids so much that we don’t even know what our purpose is for this season. God’s voice is ignored because we’re constantly saying “I hope I get married.” I liked how you spoke about marriage becoming an idol. It’s interesting that the thought of marriage continuously can become an idol.
Thank you so much, Chelle. It’s one of those idols that seems to sneak up on us. May God help us remained focused on him and trust him to give us the desires of our heart.
While I agree with much of what you say here, I don’t think that the reason that you or anyone else who wants to be married and is not currently married is because you’re not strong enough to not “forget” God if you were given a relationship. Honestly, that kind of thinking puts too much pressure on you and makes your relationship status dependent on your actions and attitudes and not on God’s grace. Marriage is completely a gift of God’s grace. Sometimes God gives that gift to people who will turn their marriage into an idol or people who don’t “deserve” it. If you are single right now, the reason that you are single is because that is what is God’s plan for you right now. If/when God gives you the gift of a relationship, it will not be because you finally got things “right” in your life. In fact, if you story is anything like mine, God will give you a relationship when you’re in the midst of marriage worship and/or you’re doing everything wrong in your life. Marriage is not something to be earned, but a gift to be received. It’s not dependent on your or anyone else’s actions, but simply on God’s grace. Yes, you should be wise and yes, you should try to use your single years well and draw closer to God, but you are never going to be in a good enough position with God that you “earn” a relationship. I’m guessing that’s not what you mean by this post, but that’s something that could be implicitly picked up in what you’re saying here. That kind of thinking led me to some very bad places, so I want to keep all my sisters out there out of the bondage that that kind of thinking can produce and that ensnared me for a long, long time. Much love!
Hello Ashleigh, thank you so much for your words and for sharing your story. I appreciate you taking time to clarify the possibility that people might misinterpret this post. It is very likely and I taken some time to show that focusing on God doesn’t mean we will get married. I shared more on this under the ‘God must come before marriage’ section. I absolutely believe and often say that marriage is a beautiful gift from God. But then, I also include that the fact that it is a gift doesn’t mean it is for everyone or that we determine when we will receive it. It is God in his infinite mercy and grace that bestows this gift on us.
This post was essentially for the Christian woman who may have, knowingly or unknowingly, made marriage an idol. It’s for us to check our actions and make sure that we haven’t placed the gift above the giver of the gift.
Thanks again for your comment and kind words. God’s blessings
I agree that the desire for marriage can become an idol. I think most women believe that marriage is a magic wand that will make all their problems and issues go away or like you said give them purpose. Marriage only fills in a part of you. In marriage you will need God more. So if the relationship with God isn’t present, you will struggle in your marriage because marriage is a beast lol! I’ve been married for 14 years now. It challenges you on all levels, reveals your heart and since we are inherently selfish, we definitely need God to help us to love our husbands and children in the way that brings God glory and gives the family what’s needed. Very real and much needed post! God bless you Sis!
Thanks a lot, Shannon for your words and for sharing your story. You have highlighted a major problem area for us as women, which is the idea that marriage will solve our problems. May God help us understand that he is the only one that can complete us and provide a way of escape in times of trouble.
Getting married causes you to forget God? I don’t know about that.
It’s OK to have strong and passionate desires for marriage. Paul addresses people like that in 1 Corinthians 7. He doesn’t warn them not to “forget” God. He encourages them to marry.
Do single people have more “time” and “energy” to do all the Good Christian Things? I mean, sure, some might, but I think people can over-generalize about this sort of thing. I think lot of this comes from a certain take on what Paul writes in 1 Corinthians 7:32-35. Paul basically says that an unmarried person is devoted to the Lord and not distracted by the needs of his spouse. This is then interpreted by some to mean that a person can do “more ministry” as a single. I don’t think that’s what Paul says here. I mean, if that’s the case, why are all the pastors and church elders typically married? Did they make a mistake? Is marriage getting in the way of their ministry? Do they not have enough “time” to do godly things? What Paul says here, I believe, is that if you aren’t distracted by the desire for marriage, then maybe you have the gift of singleness.
In English, “distracting” has a negative connotation. But it seems more like Paul is making the simple observation that marriage can put more demands on your attention than singleness.
If you’re single, and you would rather marry, that’s fine. There’s nothing wrong with that. Paul concedes that. Paul does say that singleness is better, but he also admits that this is just his own personal opinion. He wishes that everyone was like him, but he admits that not everyone is like that.
Also, one of the reasons Paul recommends singleness, or recommends that the Corinthians consider singleness, is because of the “present distress,” some crisis that the church in Corinth was dealing with at the time he wrote this epistle. It makes sense for him to caution people about marriage in an atmosphere like that, doesn’t it? It also seems like Paul thought the church was living in the End Times, which may also explain his caution.
Is it God’s “fault” that our prayers for marriage go unanswered? I don’t know about that. I think that’s a bad blanket answer for singleness. That leaves out all sorts of factors. I mean, people used to get married at fairly young ages. 18,19, 20, 25, etc. Now, it’s more common for people to marry later, some in their thirties or forties. What, is that God’s doing? Also, the Bible doesn’t really talk about a “season” of singleness. Instead, it talks about the gift of celibacy. Paul doesn’t say that you have the “gift of singleness” until you get married. He says if you have it, don’t get married.
Also sometimes we tell Christian singles that they have to be content with being single. Like that verse in Philippians 4. But Philippians isn’t about singleness and marriage. And in 1 Corinthians 7, Paul says that if you’re NOT content with being single, then maybe you should get married.
Yes, God is good. But we live in a world that is NOT good. I mean, God created the world and He said that it was good. And even when the world was perfect, He said that it “wasn’t good” for man to be alone, and created a mate for him. Isn’t that interesting? Even when Adam was perfect and complete and sinless, God still said he needed a partner. Maybe some people aren’t single because that’s “God’s plan for their life.” Maybe it’s just an effect of living in a bad world. I’ve often read that there’s more Christian women in the world than there are men. If that’s broadly accurate, it means not every Christian woman will find a suitable partner. Is that a part of living in our fallen world? Or because of God’s brilliant and generous Master Plan to keep you single?
Can marriage become an idol in your life? This can be kinda annoying or condescending sometimes, to be honest. it seems like every time singles express the desire, somebody will throw out the old “idolatry” warning. Or when someone writes or preaches about marriage to singles, they start with the caveat that wanting marriage is good “as long as you don’t make an idol out of it,” or something like that. I wonder how many Christians keep quiet about this desire, or minimize it, because they don’t want to hear these sorts of things.
You can, however, desire a romance/marriage/sex badly without making it an “idol,” though. In 1 Corinthians 7 Paul talks about people who “burn with passion,” but he doesn’t accuse them of idolatry. He encourages them to marry.
I wonder if this has any negative consequences. Can the desire for marriage really become an idol? Yeah, sure, technically, probably. But I think people can blow that notion out of proportion. It might cause some people lot of women to be tepid in their approach to marriage, and make them afraid that any amount of thinking or acting on their desire might be somehow sinful. Both, of course, have the unfortunate consequence of making marriage even less likely to happen. Isn’t that ironic?
In the Bible, when verses talk about “idols,” they’re almost always talking about physical idols, from other pagan religions. And, sure, some people can be unreasonable and put marriage and romance up on an impossible pedestal. But I don’t think most people do that; they simply have a strong desire, and they can’t help it. In Timothy 4:1-5, interestingly, Paul talks about demonic doctrines, and one of them he lists is “men who forbid marriage.” If Paul wrote the book of Hebrews, he also said that marriage something that should be honored.
Paul also wrote that “But since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband” (1 Corinthians 7:2). I think it’s unlikely that a godly desire for a biblical marriage would become a real idol. And biblical marriage seems to be the antidote to much of the real idolatry — “sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires and greed” — that we see in the world.
Also, look at some biblical examples of childlessness. I know this is a different issue from singleness, but it’s interesting to look at the role of desire and emotion here. Rebekah was barren and prayed for a child. Rachel was heartbroken about her barrenness and basically demanded children from Jacob. Hannah cried bitterly and openly about her inability to have children, and Eli (after misunderstanding her) prayed for God to grant her request. Where in the Bible are these people criticized or condemned for “idolatry”?
It’s understandable why people want marriage, and why marriage is a genuinely good thing. All the research I’ve ever seen (almost all secular) says that married people are happier, have more and better sex, make more money, live longer and impact society more. It’s a societal foundation, apparently. Who knew?
People mean well when they warn singles about turning their desires into “idolatry,” but I think they can overdo it sometimes.
Also, if you’re single, is that “God’s best for you right now”? This is something else you often hear. But just because something’s happening in your life doesn’t mean it’s “God’s best for you right now.” What if I’m currently sick, or homeless, or in poverty, or being abused? Are those things “God’s best” for me right now, just because they’re currently happening. Yes, God is good. But we live in a world that is NOT good.