As a single woman, I have realized that there are certain struggles that are unique to us – the pressures to settle down.
These external and internal pressures to settle down may cause us to feel inadequate and unwanted.
On the one hand, there are hordes of people questioning our single status. Then there are moments when we question ourselves and why we are not yet married. These feelings are often heightened during social interactions.
If you’re anything like me then you’ve probably been to an event where it felt like you were the only single gal. At times like this, we can feel so self-conscious that we believe everyone is pointing a finger behind our backs and that they are all judging us.
I remember attending a family event, years ago, where I had aunties, uncles, and extended family bombard me with questions about my relationship status.
“Chioma, you haven’t found anyone yet?”
“My dear, when are we coming to your wedding?”
“You need to get married soon o. I want to wear my asoebi and dance on your big day.
You can imagine that this onslaught was hard to bear and I left that event earlier than planned.
But running away is often a poor way to address it. We can’t run away from life or forever.
Thankfully, I have found a better and healthier way to handle this. Read on
Six Tips to overcome the struggles of being Single
Have you been living your life in the shadows, quick to read out your many differences with those around you, quick to place an unnecessary burden on yourself or to presume how others feel about you? If so,
I need you to stop. Breathe deeply and let it go.
Life is hard enough without adding any unnecessary burden. Even where you find that someone else treats you differently, don’t jump to conclusions, give them the benefit of doubt and be kind regardless.
Here are a few tips to help you deal with these pressures on singles:
1 Know your worth
Do you know who you are?
Do you define your worth according to the world’s standards or what God says about you?
The world says:
Dress this way, smile that way, kiss more men, say yes to everyone, do more and more and more to be found worthy and desirable.
God says:
You have all that you will ever need because of the death and resurrection of my precious son. He came to give you life and only him can give you abundant life. (See John 10:10, Philippians 4:19)
The world says:
Get more money, power, and fame so people will like you and flock to you. Basically, just sell your soul, compromise, and do all you have to do to get people to like you and tell you, you matter.
God says:
My grace is sufficient for you and I am able to do exceedingly and abundantly more than you can ask or imagine. Learn from me the rhythms of grace, for my children do not toil as the world does but work in the wisdom that comes from me. (See Ephesians 3:20, Matthew 11:28-30 (MSG) & Proverbs 3:5-6)
2 Remind yourself of your worth
It is one thing to know and another to continually speak these truths into your life.
We need to remind ourselves of what God says about us. When you feel the chains of insecurity tightening around you and the lies bubbling forth, wash them out with the truth of God’s word.
God says you matter.
He says he loves you and will make all things work for your good as you remain connected to him. (See Romans 8:28)
3. Break the cycle of comparisons
When you find yourself comparing your life with those who have the things you want. Stop! You may find yourself going down a hole that will be harder to get out of.
I do agree this is easier said than done but I have also seen that rather than compare, let’s celebrate other women and support them. The fact that someone has the life that you want does not take away from your blessings and all that God wants to do in your life.
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4. Remember that you’re not alone
Sis, there are many women walking this journey. Women who are facing the same struggles and hardships. You’re not alone. I wrote more about this in the next section of this post.
5. Pray through your fears and insecurities
The reality of our humanity is that we are frail beings given to our emotions and sentiments. Pray for strength, pray for the peace of mind, ask God to help you overcome, and don’t forget that God has called you to live above your fears and shew his power, love, and a sound mind.
6 Never stop being who God called you to be
While the struggle is real, I hope you don’t let it stop you from living your life. A life that is lived based on the caprices of human emotions is a life in bondage.
We can not change the way people see us by living in a shell or cowering. It is not even our business to change them. We just have to keep living and keep doing right, it is then up to God to make the change.
Dear Single Woman – You are not alone
Here is something I need you to remember through these struggles; you’re not alone in this. There are so many other single women out there. Statistics show a slow down in marriages in most parts of the world.
This does not mean you will not get married, I believe that is between you and God, it simply provides evidence that we’re not alone in this, there are others who have walked this path and still do.
I remember attending a women’s conference and realizing that almost all the women I met were married. I was elated when I finally saw other single women but I specifically remember God telling me that my connection with these women shouldn’t be based on our marital status.
I’m so glad to say I still keep in touch with quite a few of them, both married and single.
During that event, I stopped thinking about my differences with these women and focused on our values and principles. I realized that we shared a vision – to serve God in every season of our lives.
I remembered and I hope you do too, that this vision was more important than whether they were married, rich, poor, or even black.
No matter what happens, know that God is right there with you.
He is with us through those struggles of inadequacy and insecurities and he says he will never leave nor forsake us.
“Therefore let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.”
Hebrews 4:16
He has not given us a spirit of timidity but of love, power, and a sound mind, and his love for us is unconditional. It is not dependent on our human foibles. See Romans 8: 32-38
I pray you never forget this.
Thanks for posting this! Being a single girl is definitely hard these days!
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This was so truthfully and beautifully written. I have been struggling with some similar thoughts so, it’s nice to know I am not the only who has been combatting with these thoughts!! Nice to be reminded of how we need to wait patiently for the Lord. His timing is ALWAYS perfect. Thank you for sharing!
Thank you so much, Morgan. we really are not the only ones going through this. May we continue to wait on the Lord and enjoy his grace and comfort.
You’re right, when we focus on our differences, it makes it harder for us to connect. While I think it’s true that in some circumstances single women (or men) are looked down upon or seen as less than, but I think more often that not we put that burden or ourselves. I know I did when I was single. I saw myself as a second class citizen, so that meant I was looking for things that would affirm that belief. The funny thing is that even now that I’m married, I can easily focus on differences and do the same thing. I can think of myself as less than compared to those with kids or those that have been married longer or those that have a more successful for career or whatever it may be. Until we stop seeing ourselves as less than, that’s how we’re going to feel.
I LOVED THIS! I always feel alone in this struggle, but I felt like I could relate so well to this.
Thank you so much, Lauren. May we continue to support each other through our struggles.
I’m not single now, but was for 13 years prior to re-marrying. My heart is still hinged on the single experience. As the old people would say I have a “burden” for single women. I pray for them and want them to feel supported. Thank you for being one of the ones who offers that support and encouragement.
I know you addressed this post for the single amazing ladies but I can assure you as a mother of triplets I have been experiencing this loneliness lately. No one else knows how to raise triplets and the demands so I feel alone in my journey. I don’t even have a friend with whom I can share my concerns .
So what I have been doing is embracing my season and allowing God to breathe joy and comfort within me .
Hello Diana, thank you so much for sharing your story. I can’t even imagine what you’re going through but I’m so glad that you are allowing God breathe joy into life, even in this season. I also pray that he will use you to create a supportive community of women, and you will all continue to help and encourage each other.
The only way that I have escaped loneliness in being single is filling myself with Christ and being secure in Him!
It is a challenge to be a single woman in this time. But I liked the way you talked about how we shouldn’t only stay connected with single people because we are all one in Christ. It shouldn’t matter what status we are in, we should encourage one another in Christ 🙂 great post!
Being around older married couples is very encouraging because they have so much wisdom to offer, but it’s hard to be around married people my own age. It physically hurts sometimes! I wish I were married, with a kid by now, but God has brought a fella my way yet. Instead, He brings me encouragement like this… <3
Hi Chioma, firstly I would like to say your blog is beautiful and I really like it.
Being single is really hard these days. And yes, often enough people quote me as too picky! True enough that I’ve achieved far beyond than my age group even for guys. But I remembered God doesn’t want us to settle the second best but He wants to bless us with first best of all. So, be in reality, I’m not lowering or slowing down my pace to move.
Now I’m living as an expat in a foreign land, at the isolated village which the population is all oldies. Haha….sometimes I think God is joking with me. I prayed God to lead to the work place where I will meet my future husband, not a place that I only meeting oldies and colleagues. You know what…. I’m even working in a family resort where all customers brings family and kids.
Faith is the only weapon to hold in this place and time. God bless you & me!
Hi Jocey, thank you so much for your comment and for sharing your story. It encouraged me and I believe it will encourage other women in a similar boat. I agree that God called us to be excellent in all we do.
Keep shining his light and I can’t wait to see what he does for you at your new job. He is indeed the Master Orchestrator and has a great sense of humour.
Chioma you did marvelous on your teaching. I love that. But these people will not remain single for ever. Those that feel rejected, what can they do to be loved? I feel that some of this platforms should serve ad avenue to connect singles whereby one can see somebody he love and approach her for marriage. Writing is good but solution is the best.
Oh, I’ve definitely been there. Feeling left out, or awkward within a crowd. Feeling like I don’t belong… but Singlehood taught me how to self love and care. How to develop a relationship with myself and feel comfortable in my own skin and company, even when I’m with others. Thanks for sharing this wonderful post.
Hi Michal, thank you so much for your comment. We definitely need to build a relationship with ourselves and make sure we are not ascribing our worth to a relationship. Our worth can only be found in God♥️