How I Forgave myself and Found Peace

A few years ago, I had a devastating break-up. The break up in and of itself wasn’t bad because it was clearly time to call it quits. The horrible thing was thinking back on the actions of both of us and how we hurt each other and ourselves during and after the relationship.

For a long while, I held a grudge and was unable to forgive him. A mention of his name usually merited a highly derisive snort.

A few years later, during a church service, I finally opened my heart to forgive and kept praying about letting it go.

But you know what I found? I didn’t really feel peace, the pain and anger were still there. I finally realised that I had only forgiven one person and forgotten about the other party, me.

How to Forgive Ourselves

Who do you forgive?

Many times, when we talk about forgiveness, the focus is usually on the external parties: a boyfriend who cheated, a father who abused you, a mother who didn’t want you or a friend who spilt your secrets. These are all painful and terrible things to happen to anyone. 

But there is this whole other dimension to forgiveness. When you’ve been wronged by others, the pain and anguish may be triggered when you see them or something about them.

What happens when you are the culprit? Where you were the one that made the mistakes, the one that failed to live up to the expectations and standards you had for yourself?

You’re a constant reminder of your mistakes, your “foolishness” and all the things you wish you had never done.

We, unfortunately, cannot run away from ourselves.

How to forgive when it hurts

While I had forgiven my ex. I had not forgiven myself. I had held on to my mistakes and decisions and the impact they had on my life. To all the wrong actions I took and every single bad thing I did. It was a heavy burden to bear and it explained why peace was elusive.

I prayed about it but always felt unworthy. The devil, the accuser, also fanned the flame of shame and sin. I felt like the worst sinner and incapable of forgiveness.

When we face such problems, it is easy to focus on the problem, remain in our turmoil and fail to see a way out. I know, I did. As someone who had always had high standards and principles, I felt like I let myself down.

This made my actions, not just an indictment on me but on who I thought I was.

I was in my very own cage. I would read words like this:

“Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.” Ephesians 4:31-32

and it wouldn’t change a thing.

What changed?

Accepting our fallibility 

I had to accept that this mistake didn’t mean I was broken forever. Moreover, if God had accepted me, a sinner, why would I not accept myself.

I finally let Jesus do his work in me and said no to the accuser.

This didn’t happen immediately but the change in focus and perspective helped me and made me stronger.

I shared this story to remind you that it’s time to forgive yourself. It’s time to let it go.

As women, we have experienced our fair share of hurt, many which we believe to be self-inflicted and have found it hard to forgive ourselves.

No matter what happened in the past, its time to cut the cords holding you back and stopping you from living a joyful and fulfilled life. Now, when I remember the girl I used to be (angry at the world, frowning a lot and running from relationships), I thank God for saving me from myself.

Sometimes, we really want to forgive but a part of us keeps holding onto the hurt and the pain.

Are you ready to let it go?

Here are five Steps on how to forgive ourselves

Here are five steps that helped me forgive myself and I pray they help you too.

Sis, it’s time to let go.

Before you start, find a quiet place or somewhere you wouldn’t be interrupted. Then pray for strength and clarity.

1. Identify the object and subjects – What grudge are you holding onto? Who are the perpetrators/main actors?

2. Try honesty and fairness – be honest about each person’s role. I know this will hurt and may mean digging deep.

3. Consider Consequences – what was the effect of the action or inaction of the parties, including yours? Why has this made forgiveness hard? You may realise that though it was really bad and you were hurt, it wasn’t the end of the world. You are still alive and you were able to surmount everything that came your way.

4. Change your focus – Your healing and peace of mind are important and one way to ensure these is to change your focus and perspective. Rather than just focusing on the problem, the mistake; think of a solution/resolution.

5. Confess and Accept – “If we confess our sins. He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.” 1 John 1:9. Confess your unforgiveness (which is a sin), remember that you are imperfect. Accept your failings but know that God is able and willing to uphold and strengthen you.

I hope these words have encouraged you, please reach out to me if you would like to talk with someone who understands what you’re going through.