This is why Christian dating is hard

Do you ever feel like the dating scene is a proverbial jungle where only the strongest win?

We are told to be open, friendly, and not too picky; these are all well-meaning tips, but the reality makes these suspect.

I remember an experience from years ago, which left me questioning my choices. I’ve shared a little bit of my story below and my thoughts on dating.

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It was a sultry evening, the sun long disappeared under the sparse clouds. We were seated in his car, whiling away time before we had to say our goodbyes. Then he said something that changed everything.

Facing me, his eyes boring into mine, he said the three little words

“I love you”.

I wasn’t expecting this, we had only been dating a short while. It was too early.

As these thoughts were running through my mind, he pulled closer. He paused just in front of my face, looked at me again as if to check if it was okay then he kissed me. He kissed me.

My mind went into overdrive.

Was the “I love you” a tactic to get permission to kiss me. Was this his way of bypassing our laid-down boundaries?

A part of me felt violated but then, I really liked him and wanted to believe that he was being sincere.

But that singular action was a slippery slope.

We had initially agreed there would be no kissing in the relationship, but when he kissed me, he opened the floodgates of feelings, and we more or less said goodbye to the discipline and control we had been exhibiting. While we did not have sex, making out became par for the course.

It was not what I wanted but I didn’t feel strong enough to stop it (my spirit was willing but my flesh was weak).

Thankfully, God saved me from that relationship, I’ve shared a bit about it here. It’s funny thinking about how God found ways to separate me from this guy.

Looking back, I had noticed certain things, but I was willing to ignore them for a few reasons:

1. I really liked him
2. Before him, I hadn’t dated for a long while. For one thing, I hadn’t found someone I liked that much and who ticked most of the “boxes”. I was also a bit cautious after a bad breakup years before (you can read about it here).
3. For years, I had heard “you’re too picky,” you’re overthinking things” and similar statements made about my romantic life. I didn’t want to end things with that rhetoric.

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Perhaps, you can relate to my story.

Recently, I was ruminating on the realities of dating as a single Christian woman and how tricky it can be to navigate, especially if you’re an older single (in your 30’s, 40’s, and 50’s).

It is interesting that these challenges are not restricted to Christians. Non-Christians also struggle with dating. I can’t tell you the number of classmates and colleagues who’ve complained about the dating scene.

So, what gives?

Here are a few reasons why:

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Four reasons why dating is hard

I think there are a few reasons why dating is hard, and I have highlighted four of these below.

1. Our Expectations

“Expectations are a short walk from disappointment”

We all have expectations. Some are more outlandish and extensive than others. Expectations are not the problem; I think the challenge is that we rely so much on our expectations that we ignore the reality or the truth.

We want things to be a certain way and when it’s not, we fail to adjust or re-examine our positions.

 

2. Our values and beliefs

Not everyone who is labeled a Christian is one. There was a time when all it took was to attend church on Sundays. But now we know better.

We know that it takes a certain kind of man. This is why the Christian dating scene can be hard. Many times, we fail to find people with similar values and beliefs.

 

3. The Age Thing

Age remains a key pressure point for us as women. We are constantly reminded of our age and our biological clocks. This often necessitates a sense of urgency in our dating life and relationships.

The older we get the harder it is to be patient and sane about this area of our lives.

 

4. Our self-worth and Identity

I believe our generation is going through an identity epidemic. When I hear stories about sexuality, gender changes, and all the other things associated with this, I am further convinced that so many of us suffer because we do not really know who we really are.

How often do you take time to just sit with yourself?

An even bigger issue is that we do not know (or tend to forget) whose we are. I am also guilty of this.

This often leads to porous boundaries, where we allow our fears and pressures to lead us rather than the Spirit of God.

 

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A different view of Christian dating

While Christian dating may be hard, I believe we can thrive.

This comes with creating healthy boundaries, understanding our worth – which cannot be in a romantic relationship but in God– and learning to be patient with the process.

I would love to hear from you. Why do you think Christian dating is hard?