Why do I want to get married?

A little while ago

It started like any other networking event where you smile a lot, do the usual introductions and make small talk before you move on to the next person.

While I was speaking with a middle-aged gentleman, I noticed a change in his expression and he goes on to ask me this:

“Why are you not married?”

You can imagine my surprise. I had not expected such a personal question. I felt my heart beat faster and the hairs on my hands rise. I believed it was not only rude but inappropriate.

He didn’t stop there but continued:

“You’re a pretty lady, obviously smart and you have a lot going for you.”

If only I had known I would be getting the Spanish inquisition when I signed up for the event. I considered smiling politely and moving away but decided after a quick inner battle to find out why he felt the need to ask this question.

“Why do you say so?” I responded.

He smiled, took a sip from his wine glass, (perhaps this was a pause as he got ready to  to educate me on the finer points of matrimony).

“Because, that is what you’re supposed to do. You need a man.” He said, his deep voice reverberating through me.

While I can’t remember most of the details from the event, bits of my conversation with this man remained with me. It could be because of how unusual the experience was, at the time or because of how his words made me feel.

This incident happened a few years ago and I have since had similar experiences including those who tell me, categorically, that I should be married by now.

May be you’ve had similar experiences and continue to have these sorts of interactions with family, friends and people you don’t know. One recurring theme from all of these is the assumption that we should all be married.

There is the general assumption that once you are of a certain age (usually from 20-21) and have attained or achieved certain things (college degree), then the next point should be marriage.

This is simply the way of life and not one that leaves room for questions. I knew that I wanted to get married but I also realized that for a long time, this was what I wanted because of what I saw and what I was told. It just seemed like a fact of life.

For many of us, our life map was charted way before we were born, by the society we were born into, the culture and the religion practiced and even by our families.

When the time is “right”, these external influences expect us to automatically settle down. But I often wonder if we have ever considered how we feel about it all.

Have you ever asked yourself why you want to get married? Rather than wonder why we are not married or why we are still single, a good question to ask is why we want to get married.

 

“Ask the right questions if you’re to find the right answers.”

Vanessa Redgrave

It is important that we ask this question as it provides room for meaningful introspection where we consider our expectations, our desires and our reasons. I believe this is one question every single woman, who desires to be married, should ask herself.

 

“Your visions will become clear only when you can look into your own heart. Who looks outside, dreams; who looks inside, awakes.”

C.G. Jung

“Test all things, hold fast to what is good and do away with evil.”

1 Thessalonians 5:21

 

It’s easy to want something but more important to know why we want it. I find that knowing why we want it means that we’re not only able to defend our decision but are able to stick to it even when things don’t go according to plan.

Before you ask the ‘why do I want to get married’ question

There are a few things I need you to note before you ask this question, for one thing, your answer will most likely be affected by the following:

 

1. Your experiences

Your experiences will largely affect how you view marriage and singleness.

 

2. Your relationship with God 

Do you have a personal relationship with God or have you lived your life based on what other people have told you about God and Christianity? This is critical in understanding what we believe and what we act on.

It will be harder to know what God is saying to us if we prefer to rely on what others say about God rather than finding out for ourselves. God gave us his son so we have direct access to him. He is looking for those who will seek him with all their heart for that is when we will find him and know who he truly is.

I will be the first to tell you that this is a process but it is one we can grow and develop. Building our relationship with God means making time to converse with him and to meditate on his word.

Why we need to know God for ourselves

Here are a few examples to buttress the danger of not having that relationship with God. I have listed three popular Christian statements about marriage and singleness and what the Bible actually says:

a. Marriage is a symbol of spiritual maturity and selflessness

Marriage is not a pre-determiner of spirituality, the Bible often shewed the spiritually mature as those led by the spirit as opposed to those led by the flesh.

Apostle Paul had this to say:

“And I, brethren, could not speak to you as to spiritual men, but as to men of flesh, as to infants in Christ. I gave you milk to drink, not solid food; for you were not able to receive it.” 1 Corinthians 3:1-2

The true test of our spiritual maturity is in how we live our lives, in how we control our thoughts, our words and our actions.

b. An unmarried woman disobeys God’s command to be fruitful and multiply (see Genesis 1:28)

This is a common statement I’ve heard and I used to feel terrible thinking I was disobeying God’s mandate until I sought to find out what God says about this. Our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ, is often described as the most fruitful person who ever lived.

One noteworthy fact about him was that he didn’t marry while on earth. Through a study of his ministry on earth, I realized that our fruitfulness is not limited to procreation but includes spiritual fruitfulness. It’s about how we live our lives and the impact we make in the lives of others.

Jesus Christ directed his disciples to “Go therefore and make disciples of all the nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and the Son and the Holy Spirit.” Matthew 28:19

He also reminds us that we are the light of the world. “In the same way, let your light shine before others, that they may see your good deeds and glorify your father in heaven.” Matthew 5:16

This is how we show our fruitfulness, whether we are single or married.

c. You can marry any man as long as he is Christian and believes in God

Marriage is a covenant and not one that should be entered into without deep thought and conviction. In this post and this one, I shared how the Holy Spirit taught me that there is a difference between a good man and a godly man. He also revealed that there is more to marriage than a good man or a good woman.

Marriage is also a medium for the propagation of God’s kingdom, which means that we are usually placed with those who are better suited to help us fulfill our kingdom mission.

 

3. Your motivations

What are the things that influence you? Would you say that your decisions and our principles/value system are strongly tied to your culture and your environment? Do you find that you are better swayed by what people around you do or how you will be perceived?

Maybe, you have seen that marriage creates certain connections and advantages that are not available for single people. It could also be the other way around where you find that singleness portends more freedom and independence than marriage. Consider what your motivations are. Maybe you’re a romantic and believe in fairytales and soulmates.

How to answer this question

I have created a checklist to help you answer the ‘why do I want to get married’ question (you can access it above or below this post).

You will also require the following to answer this question:

• Some uninterrupted time

This will depend on you but you would need at least 30 minutes to go through the checklist. You can always come back to it if you feel your answer needs more time to percolate.

 

• A dose of honesty

The right question will always require the right answer. Be open and honest with yourself. I understand that this may be new to you or a place you are wary of delving into but it’s important that you do and that your do it as truthfully as you can.

 

“…then you shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free.”

John 8:32

• A pen or somewhere to write down your thoughts/answers.

This will act as your record for future purposes. This exercise is something you can come back to again and again.

Do you have any questions or need some help with this exercise, you can send me an email and I will be happy to work you through this.