One of the realities of being a single Christian woman is dealing with sexual temptation and sexual pressures.
Perhaps, you have wondered how to manage a relationship where your boyfriend wants to sleep with you.
Or maybe you just want to understand the Christian view of sex before marriage. If so, please read on.
The reality of sexual temptation and sexual pressures
I have had many women ask questions around:
“What should I do if my boyfriend wants to have sex with me?”
“Why do guys want sex before marriage?”
“Would a man who truly loves you pressure you for sex before marriage?”
For many of us, it seems like we spend a large part of the relationship dealing with the sexual pressures and temptations.
We are trying to figure out how to say no to him, to stay strong in the midst of undeniable chemistry and a deep longing for intimacy.
I know how difficult such situations can be.
Maybe you ended up succumbing to the pressure or you had to end the relationship to avoid sexual temptation.
The reality is that we may remain in these sorts of relationships for fear that we may not find anyone else or out of a fear of loneliness. These are real issues that plague us as single women
I have met many women, over the last few years, who confirmed that they had to stop dating when they realised that the men expected sex to be a part of the relationship, including some who dated Christian men who were church workers.
Some of these men give us reasons why we should have sex in the relationship. Here are two popular reasons:
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The classic ‘God understands’ reason
Celibacy can be hard especially in a world that celebrates sex, in whatever form it comes. There are also men who may tell us that God will understand if we choose to have sex with them.
Sis, don’t fall for that ploy. Thank God we are not helpless. We have a God who is able and willing to remind us of his truth and is able to help us when are defences are failing.
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The ‘we will get married anyway’ reason
Another popular reason is where he informs you that it is okay to have sex with him since you both plan on getting married anyway. He says doing it now will help both of you confirm your compatibility and what you both like.
But is this really true?
Can we determine our compatibility with a man simply by sleeping with him? I believe this is a lie the devil has peddled in the world. A lie I used to believe.
I believed in the need to test before marriage, just in case. But I have since found that God doesn’t make mistakes.
If we are dating the right man, then God knows that that man is the one for us and we will not need to have sex with him before marriage.
These reasons and the many pressures we deal with every day have made dating even harder.
For many of us, it’s either we forgo dating for fear of having sex before marriage or we go ahead and date, knowing that sex may be part of the deal.
“What shall we do then?”
As one who made sexual mistakes in the past, I know that sex outside of marriage (even if it’s a day before the marriage), is still fornication no matter how the world tries to paint and color code it.
God was very particular about certain sins. Not because there are any big or small sins, but for the impact of those sins on our minds and our bodies.
“Flee from sexual immorality. Every sin that a man does is outside the body, but he who commits sexual immorality sins against his own body. Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you…”
1 Corinthians 6:18-19(NKJV)
The call to avoid sex before marriage was reiterated in other parts of the Bible including 1 Thessalonians 4:3-5, Ephesians 5:3 and Galatians 5:19. God bought our bodies at a price and wants us to use our bodies (His temple) for His glory.
The one thing to do when he wants sex before marriage
So, what do we do when the man we like and the one who we would like to marry expects sex before we say, ‘I do’?
We run.
Yes, run for your life.
But hold on before you wear your ‘Niks’.
This idea of running is not in the literal sense although there might be times when you have to start with that, as Joseph did in Genesis 39.
The idea of running is to create some distance – emotional and physical — to help you reason (without distractions and other influences) and reevaluate.
When we remain in such an environment with its pressures especially where it’s also heightened with our attraction to this person, we may compromise, which will lead to pain and regrets.
So, you need to create boundaries. When you are able, also have an honest and open conversation with him. Tell him your concerns and your reasons.
I know we’re all human and can fall at any point, which means it may not have been his intention to have sex with you but maybe a lack of self-control.
“Like a city whose walls are broken through is a person who lacks self-control.”
Proverbs 25:28
However, this does not make his expectation right or acceptable, even if he had sex in his other “Christian” relationships or he knows other Christians doing it.
No matter what he says and his claims to love you, don’t do it!
Love is not an instrument of blackmail, neither is it a weapon to be wielded against others particularly when we want them to do things that are against their values and beliefs.
Learn to let go
Finally, you have to be willing to let go if he is adamant about sex being a part of that relationship.
Letting go wouldn’t be easy, especially if you feel you have invested time and even resources into the relationship.
However, continuing in sin for the sake of a relationship seems to be an affront to God and says we don’t think he will give us the person for us so we will manage with what we have.
For the woman already having sex
I would also like to add that if you’re already in a relationship where you’re having sex, please stop. If you’re not able to stop then create some boundaries and explain your reasons.
Please don’t think that since you’ve already started it will be too late to stop. Not at all, God is always looking for children that will turn from their sin and come closer to him.
“Repent then, and turn to God, so that he will forgive your sins.”
Acts 3:19
Even if this man is the father of your children and you’ve lived together for many years, you can still let go. I know it wouldn’t be easy but it will definitely be worth it.
You’re not alone
As someone who has been in this place, I do understand how difficult it can be to let go. I remember asking myself why I was making a big deal out of something that so many others were doing. This period in my life was filled with pain but was also the birth of my freedom and these words I’m writing to you now. I’m forever grateful to God for saving and helping me.
Are you in a relationship where you’re being pressured or you’re already having sex but don’t know how to leave or end it? Please reach out to me let’s talk.
Thanks for sharing this topical issue that has been even before our existence.
Whenever one can’t help the situation, especially the times when the flesh is weak, do not hesitate to ask for His grace so that spirit of God in you will take over. Immediately you will no longer feel the urge to give in.
Sex before marriage makes us blind to the real purpose of that relationship, which doesn’t necessarily lead to marriage. And His grace will enable one to discern the true picture of that relationship.
May the grace of God abound in us as we continue to practice our faith.
Hello Orhue, thank you so much for your comment. It is definitely a topical issue and one we have to broach with love and courage. Wow! I absolutely agree that ‘sex before marriage may blind us to the real purpose of that relationship’. Thanks again and amen to your prayers.
I was dating someone since November 2022
I know he goes to church
I did not ask him about salvation
He is a widower
The other day he asked “when can I make love to you
I told him that is a husband privilege and I said I am not doing anything against the will of God
He hasn’t not called me in two days
If men are always masturbating to get by and then expecting that release when with a woman it becomes a very weird thing to expect that sex won’t happen. I know creating distance is helpful but it can also be harmful. I’d honestky like to hear from men. How they were able to stay pure. I don’t think it exists. So it’s not about settling but more about what it is that is God’s best. Is there intention of following God’s will or not. And then can these fleshly desires be put to the side in order to trust that God will make a way? I’ve never met a man that wasn’t taking care of himself. And that’s where I’ve found it gets tricky. Because then there’s porn or lust after you ir other women. I hear to stay away but I don’t hear how God is the redeemer of all things. If it’s His will then He will make a way if you stay in it or even cone back to it. I wish I had it figured out but all I know is in my weakness He is made strong if I let Him be. Honestly I’m really hurting right now and need love and comfort. I know man can’t fulfill that but then why do we desire it? I don’t have a clear view because I have had so many hurts and haven’t known how to deal with them all. But I’m staying in the word and pursuing truth. I just know that my devotion to God was easy in a marriage and outside of it for the 2nd Time I am more disillusioned and feel like my hope’s been deferred. Thank you for your kindness and life giving words. Blessings
God bless you as you minister to young women.
Amen. Thank you, Shari.
How can I reach you?
Hi Chioma. How are you doing? You can send me an email through our contact page or reach out on IG. ??
Never give the devil room to smile. Marriage is a covenant that should be sealed and sex follows after, and not the other way round. If God can stop rain, He can stop the sexual urge. The secret is to always have the Holy Spirit in His temple – the body. Thank you for this beautiful article.
Thank you so much, Judith. I agree, we need to be careful not to allow the devil take advantage of our situation or relationships.
I never believed other women who would tell me not to sleep around… it will ruin your marriage they said. Well it really has taken a lot of years to fix all the damage I did by not waiting. Even marrying the man I was sleeping with was bad. It set up a precedent that has hurt us. He didn’t feel the need to try hard, add romance, take care of my needs… I wish I had listened. So thankful God is redeeming our relationship!
Hi Tiffany, thank you so much for sharing your story. I am so glad that God is redeeming your relationship. Here is to many years of grace and love in your marriage.
I’m currently in this situation right now. My boyfriend and I have been together for a year now. And I’m the middle of our relationship I had a conviction on fornication. And he did not handle it well. There’s a lot going on in our relationship right now. I love him so much. But I love God more and I want the Lord to be proud of me. I’m His daughter and He is my Heavenly Father. But it hard for me to leave bc I’m so tied and stuck on him(my bf) and the only thing that is keeping us together is if I have sex with him. But the thing keeping me stuck in him is love. Just pure love. I’m struggling
Hi Alexandria, thanks for sharing. I can’t even imagine what it’s been like for you. I do know it can be hard to let go. Sis, if you believe what’s keeping you together is sex, then that’s not a strong foundation. It also speaks to a lack of respect for you and what you want.
There’s a lot more I can say on this but since I don’t know you both and the circumstances of your relationship, I can only encourage you to seek God for strength and wisdom.
This may mean asking God to take away the feelings, and give you the strength to walk away from a relationship that does not honor His word.
I pray that God will see you through. Amen ???
This is such a hard post to write, but I’m so proud of you for putting it out there. Fighting our flesh, especially with someone we love, can be the biggest struggle outside and even inside of marriage.
Truly a wonderful post and I hope many will read it!
It was really hard, Amy. I thank God for his grace and mercy. Thank you so much for your kind words.
Thank you so much for encouraging me. God bless you lots!!
“Love is not an instrument of blackmail.” That is so true. Anybody who tries to get you to do anything that is against your conscience, beliefs, and principles and uses love as a weapon/method of persuasion doesn’t truly know what love is. Love is patient and kind, not manipulative and coercive.
Absolutely, Ashleigh.Thank you for sharing this perspective.
This is such a great post! I am going to share this in my readers blog group. so many women need to be reading posts like this and see their worth in Christ eyes verses the worlds. When they don’t they fall in the trap of sin.
Thank you so much, Mihaela and for sharing with your readers blog group. I pray they read and are encouraged.
I’m sure this was a difficult post to write, but thank you so much for sharing. This is a topic that Christians really are ignoring now, and doing whatever they want. You are so right about the need for boundaries to think and make decisions. Prayers for everyone who reads your words!
Thanks for your kind words, Jessica. It was a difficult post but so necessary as you rightly noted. May it encourage and empower women. Amen
This was such an encouraging post! We need to encourage each other as sisters in Christ and speak God’s truth. I think sometimes it can be viewed as “another Christian rule.” However, it’s not a “rule” , it’s about the heart and honoring our bodies …God is protecting us because He LOVES us. I am 41 and have continued to make this covenant of waiting until marriage. It has not been easy, as my experience has been being involved with Christian men who may claim they honor the same covenant, yet move along to another woman because she will have sex with him. I was told by a man that he didn’t know if I’d even like sex since I was a virgin , so that scared him that I may not like it. It has been a struggle sometimes to be “different” and keeping those boundaries. I do have to remind myself that there are godly men out there who do want to protect our/their purity and will wait. It honestly breaks my heart to see how casual sex has become in our society …because God created sex as a beautiful bond between a man and a woman in a marriage covenant.
Hi Chioma! I’m in a situation like this except I believe I easily succumbed to his sexual advances because of certain things that have taken place in my life. I’ve had an addiction to porn for years, but through God’s grace I was able to be free and fight the temptation with His strength… Like you said, I proposed an ultimatum to him that we need to create boundaries in our relationship since I am drawing further and further from God. We compromised so much sexually and I fear I cannot stop. The boundaries didn’t work, we always end up alone together even when we do our best not to and because we’ve already had sex, it’s so incredibly hard for me to turn back and I’m so ashamed that God had saved me from one sin only for me to fall right into something else…
Hello Ashley, thank you for sharing your heart and your struggles. I definitely understand that pull that draws us back to the “familiar” even when it’s bad for us. It may be time to do what Joseph did…flee. This will mean ending communication with him, but this too will be difficult and we will need the Lord’s strength and wisdom. I would love for us to talk some more, please reach out to me via email or the blog contact form. Thanks
Hi, everyone. I met this great Christian guy on a Christian dating app and was so excited as we would FaceTime or video chat every night. I did learn he had a sexual past and claimed he “could not” remember how many people he slept with in the past. Part of me feels like he does but just doesn’t want to admit it. Perhaps he was ashamed of his past as he knew I am a virgin. The past doesn’t concern me, but he would make sexual jokes during our conversations and would make me uncomfortable. I told him that and he said he was just trying to teach me some things as I am a virgin and to make me feel more comfortable talking about sex. When I was joking that he makes women weak in the knees, he said, “no, I make women shake”. At that point, I sent a long message about boundaries and what I look for in a Christian man. From that point on, I didn’t hear from him, and he wouldn’t respond to my texts or Snapchat even though he read them. He always claimed “he was busy with work and didn’t have as much time to talk lately but still cares about me a lot”. I just had a feeling either that conversation pushed him away or he had met someone else. When I asked him if I made him mad, he said he wasn’t sure he could do long distance and that I made him overwhelmed with so many messages and paragraphs. He also said I can be a lot at times and can be overwhelming. What I’m frustrated with is it always seems the super attractive Christian guys tend to sleep around or just have that on their mind. I just feel it is exhausting to keep instilling hope for love when you meet someone who you think is great. I really miss talking to him as we would talk for hours and could talk to him about everything. We’re still friends and am just going to give it to the Lord if there was ever a future for us. I just get so depressed about it sometimes.
I am presently under pressure from my fiance to have sex or he will not marry me. I prefer to please God as not man. I am so attracted to him that I don’t want to loose him. My mother and sisters said I should have sex with him cos I am not getting younger. I am 36 years and I know God can never fail. I told my mother that I rather remain single that Sin against God. My prayer is that God, s will should prevail.
Hi Chinyere, thank you for sharing your heart. I truly thank God for your courage and resolve to do the right thing. I can imagine that it has not been easy. From what you’ve said, I believe you need some boundaries between you and your fiancé. But more than that, I believe you need to find out if you and your fiancé are really on the same page. Is he a Christian? Does he really love God? I ask these because if he doesn’t have a relationship with God then you have to know that this raises real concerns for and your future children. I would like us to speak some more on this, please reach out to me on the blog contact page. Please could you also read this post: https://chiomaoparadike.com/three-godly-dating-tips/ where I share some integral building blocks of a Christ centered relationship.
I pray you remain strong in this season of pressures and distractions. May God strengthen you.
This is wonderful,it’s better to remain single than compromise,it has really touched my heart.
So glad to hear that, Essie. May God strengthen as we remain committed to his will and precepts for us.
Thanks for answering the question in my heart. I ask God for his grace.
You are so welcome, Elizabeth. May our Heavenly Father strengthen your heart and help you live as he purposes. ?
Hi Chioma, I’ve had sex many times with my boyfriend and it’s been about 1 month since I’ve had it with him and like a week ago I visited him and he got upset because I said no to sex and because it’s been a long time. Most of time , when he is frustrated he will ask me for nudes but I say no and he would get upset and then wank to porn. Everytime I mention prayer or the Bible he gets angry or just cuts me off, I think he is addicted to sex and just needs it in his life. Recently, I’ve re-dedicated my life to Jesus and I’m trying to not fall in temptation and I love him so much but I don’t want to leave him, I’m just scared I won’t find someone like him again.
Hi Joanna, thanks for sharing. I can’t even imagine what the past month has been like for you. I honestly can’t tell you what to do as I don’t have the answers.
I have, however, learned that it’s dangerous to stay with someone out of fear of never finding anyone else. I don’t say this to belittle your feelings because many of us have been there, but as one who knows that we can’t force anyone to change and more so, we need to be true to ourselves, no matter how much it hurts. Sometimes what we call love may be fear and insecurity.
Sis, I’m glad you’ve rededicated your life to Christ. I believe you need his counsel and strength. Our lord is the only one who can lead you aright. Please ask him for help. I pray he reveals his will and gives you the strength to do his will.
Your boyfriend is probably going through some personal issues. You can not put this on yourself. Do pray for him but also consider setting some boundaries right now, as emotions are still running high. Let me know how things go, you can send me an email. Will be praying for you. ??
Dearest Chioma
Thank you for such a encouraging and heartfelt post. I am 57 years of age and have been celibate since 2004. My parents died 4 days apart and I just stopped. I was in a narcissistic relationship with a man and broke it off . I am now at University and have just completed my 1st year. There is a man I feel likes me and we met over zoom a couple of times. I felt pushed and pressured as though he was testing my truth and when I said I no longer needed any meetings regarding my career as I still had several years left. I distinctly felt pressure in emails to meet him and I said no. I messaged him on Friday saying I felt pressured to meet despite me saying I was stressed and anxious and the last meetingng we had I felt pushed and tested. I haven’t heard back because its the bank holiday but when he asked me if there was anything else I wanted to ask him I got the distinct impression he thought I was going to suggest sex. It has put me off him now I don’t feel I even want to meet with him again and I liked him. I have left it open saying I wanted to let him know I felt he disregarded my feelings and we may meet in the future. I will not have sex again with a man. Previous partners waited one year two years before sex but none married me and none broke off the relationship. I did and it wasb because they were getting sex. Now if I have to stay celibate for the rest of my life I will.
Thank you for this really helpful post. May God bless your time and ministry. It was really heartwarming to read that you were okay for people to reach out if they need help. I need help, I’m struggling to let go.
Thanks for sharing this lovely piece.
From my experience as a relationship coach for women, I can say that many ladies today need this reassurance that their decision to save sex for marriage is not abnormal or old-school.
I love you and what you represent.
Thanks a lot, Irovo. So glad to know you’re encouraging so many single women. May more women find purpose, whether single or married.
Hi, i really searched this kind of article because this is what just happened to me. My bf just kinda asked me to give myself to him even if we are not yet married tho. Of course I said No to him, i explained that it is only for the married ones and we are not licensed to do that.and now, i started wondering if he is really the man for me. Though he listens to me and respects me, I just feel bad about it that he asked me that thing. We both know God and please him as much as we do but what in the world him telling me that?! Is it normal?
I don’t want him to think that I don’t love him. I love him but God weighed more. If God gave us each other so we should be thankful and careful about our relationship, that we will still put God in the center as how we started our relationship.
It’s really sad to think that when he becomes adamant in that matter to me, I have to let him go. I hope that it will not go that far. I pray that God would really help us being pure. i pray that he’ll understand the will of God for us and both deny ourselves for God. I hope that my bf is just testing me if will i take heed to him and give him what he asks for or testing me whether do i really have integrity especially with my God.
What are your thoughts about it? Feel free to tell me please.
Thank you, Chioma for the wonderfully written article from “When He Wants Sex Before Marriage.” I am going through this exact same thing. Your words are a confirmation that the steps I’ve taken were right on-point. I’ve known my boyfriend for over 15 years but started dating him in June this year.
I clearly showed scripture to him about fornication, and I’m following God’s path not his. My words didn’t seem to hit home as I was disrespected by his multiple attempts. I put distance between us and walked away from it. Since then, he is in constant pursuit claiming his love: however, I’m staying strong through reading scripture on God’s word no matter what others tell me.
If people tell you then you’re going to be alone if you don’t give into sex before marriage, stay strong in the Lord and don’t listen to that.
We have been dating for 7 years. He has grown up a Christian and I am only saved 3 years now. I am being told that the Bible was written for long ago and we need to adjust it for our times. When i pray i hear the lord say this is written for today. Stay steadfast in my word. Stay in prayer. He cheated on me for 5 years, from year one when we started dating and the other woman knew about me. I choose to forgive him. He cannot understand why i don’t let it go. I did give it to GOD and i am not trying to convict him i simply and feeling the need to test. If we truly walk with the lord we will deny ourselves and pick up our cross. I though this to be especially true if we are to be married, (we are engaged) but now i am not so sure i want to continue. Im told ill be alone but we never walk alone so i am not worried. This is still an ongoing issue in our relationship.
Hello Christina, thank you for your comment and for sharing your story. You’re right, we will never walk alone because we have a God who has promised to never leave nor forsake us. He has also called us to ‘deny ourselves, take up our cross and follow him’.
Sis, the best part of our relationship with Jesus is that his grace is always sufficient. Please continue to pray to him and ask for direction. Marriage is a big and important commitment, don’t do it because of fear or what people will say. Speak to your loving father and trust that he will lead you aright. I will also be praying for you. ???
Good day, thank you for sharing this with us a lot of young girls need to hear this. I have a question: in a situation where the guy agrees with the no sex conditions till marriage but says he would have sex outside the relationship should it be accepted?
Hello Vinah,
Thanks for sharing your thoughts, and for your question. I believe the real issue is about abstaining from pre-marital sex, so if he is asking if he can sleep with someone else then he is missing the point and there is a misalignment of values. While pondering your question, a quote came to mind:
“When people show you who they are, believe them the first time.”
May Angelou
While I don’t know the nature and context of your relationship beyond what you’ve shared, I hope you will take some time to think about what this means for you and the likely future with someone who may not take this area of your life seriously.
I believe this guy has more or less revealed the kind of person he is and what would likely occur if you were to get married to him.
I am 39 and my fiance’ and I have been together for 8 years. Engaged for 1 year and live together. We just started being celibate, since June. He reluctantly agreed to do this but I get push back all the time. The thing he keeps asking lately is what am I doing to make him feel comfortable and loved. he wants to be able to touch and do things in that nature but not have intercourse, to me they’re the same thing but to him they’re not and he’s not feeling a connection because we don’t touch each other. To me, it’s clear if we don’t have the physical there is not much of anything else which is not healthy,, in my opinion.We keep saying we want to keep trying but it’s becoming annoying now to me,hearing how I do nothing for him and our relationship. I pray to the Lord for guidance. I don’t have much of a sex drive so this isn’t as hard for me as it is for him. I just don’t want to hurt him and I feel like I’m hurting him.
It is verse versa. I am yet to see a lady who is willing to stay put when it comes to sexuality. In reality they are more horny than men. I am a man that believe in keeping oneself till the right time which is in marriage and i also have friends who believe too.
Firs of all I am so glad I stumbled on this page, it is just what I needed to hear. I was born and raised in Christianity and I’ve been extremely blessed to grow up with that foundation in my life. I’ve even tried really hard over the years working on my relationship with Jesus. But my downfall is always sexual sin. I feel like it is a spiritual block to where I am too ashamed to even pray when I know I am engaging in this sin. after the last guy, I promised Jesus I would start living my life purely for Him and not be bound by sexual sin and the temptation for that intimacy and connection. However I met somebody new who was the first guy who actually seemed like he was not just playing emotional games with me and unfortunately, I succumbed to the sin again. Even going into our first date, I told myself I’d stay strong. But I failed after our second date, and continued to fail. I have briefly brought up how he personally feels about sex before marriage and he says that people sin all the time anyway…We have been together for almost 3 months now and I have been trying to work up the courage to talk to him about how I truly believe Jesus wants me to save myself for marriage and that my soul does not sit right with God when I continue to sin like this. I finally spoke to him over the phone, literally half an hour ago, and he said it was extremely random and he doesn’t really know how to respond, (along with many annoyed sighs). Although he did say he understands. I’m not sure what to expect for our next conversation or the next time we hang out (which is supposed to be tomorrow). I know that sex is so important to him (he also used to struggle with sex and porn addiction, as I also have) but I cannot continue to put my relationship with Jesus in jeopardy. I truly agree with what you say, how if it is the right man God has for us, he will be in agreement to wait for marriage. And I’m finally feeling like I need to accept that if it is not from God, then I have to let it go and stop trying to take control of God’s plans for me. I hope my prayers have not become empty words to God, because I’ve asked for so much forgiveness throughout my life while living in the sin. I truly want to be set free from this
Wow a woman that is going through the exact same thing as me. Thank you so much for your comment. Prayers for us all who are dealing with this.
Wow! I’ve been extremely blessed by this blog post as it covers exactly everything I’m going through. Wish I discovered it sooner! I’d love to have a chat with you Chioma. I’m going through this phase and I’m not comfortable enough to even discuss this with my pastors. I’ve left my email here! Was trying to find your email but couldn’t see it. Please reach out to me 🙂
Hi Precious, thank you so much for your kind words. I will reach out to you via email. I pray you always remember that God’s got you. ???
I’m in a distant relationship and my boyfriend he his my first boyfriend and he says his coming back. I have never had sex before only when I was little that someone lured me into it because of game. So he said his coming back and he want to spend time with me. Like going to the pool and spending time together. And he was also telling me about when is the right time to have sex and not the right time to have it . Like after your period and it is not good to have sex during ovulation. And me I don’t want to have sex outside marriage so what should I do or tell him because I’m scared. His parents and my parents are aware we are dating and I didn’t expect him to ask me for sex or teach me when it is done . And it is bordering me
What about when the problem is you? My boyfriend very insistent on waiting til marriage, and I thought I was too. But since our relationship is progressing I feel like I’m the one who want to bend the rules
Hi Ruth, thanks for your honesty ??
This is certainly understandable, and you’re not alone. The question though is why. Why do you want to “bend the rules?”
More so, are you able to create healthy boundaries to better control your feelings?
I would love to know. You can send me an email let’s talk. ???
Sorry, this is going to be long!!
This article really resonated with me. Boyfriend and I have two babies (1 & 2 years old) together, both of which we had before I was saved. Now that I am building my relationship with Christ, I chose abstinence. I made this choice while I was still pregnant with my first. I failed epically and fell pregnant again 3 months postpartum. I was destroyed emotionally and I really felt like my pregnancy was a punishment. Fast forward to now and I am so sure that I don’t want to be intimate with him anymore. We managed to remain abstinent for 1.5 years because we lived 36 hours away from each other. Now that we’ve been reunited and living in the same city, he wants to be intimate. He’s relentless and I’m tired. He says he’s ok with not having sex, but he wants to go reallyyyy close to the line. He constantly asks to give and receive oral sex and he touches me inappropriately when we cuddle on the couch while watching tv. I bring it up to him ALL the time about how uncomfortable it makes me feel and how much I want to honour the Lord. One minute he understands and then next he doesn’t. He basically told me he can’t function without intimacy. He becomes irritable and insufferable to be around when I don’t comply to some level. I really don’t know what else to do at this point but to throw away our 5 year relationship. I need suggestions on what else I can do. I know for a fact the Lord wouldn’t want this for me, I just don’t know how else to relay it to him. It brings me to tears to think how much I’m dishonouring God every time I let him touch me.
I would like to speak to you
Hey Chioma. What do you think about when a Christian boyfriend agrees no sex nor certain types of touching or sexual acts but wants to kiss a lot and thinks his girlfriend is being too rigid for wanting to keep kissing also to a minimum?
Hi Chioma
Thanks a lot for sharing. I feel like i need to talk to you as I am struggling, is this possible? If it isnt i’d understand,,…
Hi, Ada. Yes, we can talk. You can send me a message here and I will reach out to you.
Hi Chioma, thank you for this timely post. I have a Christian man that asked me out at a time I’m not ready for a relationship. I decided to pray about it and God said I should wait because it’s not yet time. I mentioned it to this man but he decided he’s going to stay around till I’m ready but along the way, I grew so emotionally attached to him. Before any of this, I feel so safe staying alone with him, he doesn’t do anything to me but later things started getting rough to the extent that he almost had sex with me against my consent when we were alone. He has always promised not to touch me inappropriately, kiss me and do anything immoral but he has trespassed three times in which I always forgive because he always looks so dejected while apologizing to me.
I remember the third time, I was almost the one begging him to do it but he said he won’t because he doesn’t want me to be sad and hate him and we agreed that nothing of sort would happen again even though it doesn’t register well with me that we are not yet in an official relationship and I have to be dealing with all these already.
The second time he passed boundaries, I tried to break every thing but he was so sad and said I’m selfish and should try to help him get over it together. The last time was worse because he really attempted sex. I’m so sad and distracted because I have an exam coming up. I’ve also had past sexual relationship that God helped me to stay away from and I’m so sad that I disappointed God and fell into sexual temptation again.
This man kept apologizing again that he has made up his mind not to pass boundaries again but please what should I do?
Hi chioma, I’m Esther. So I’ve always been one to stay away from relationships because I’m avoiding sexual intimacy before marriage. Fast forward to now, I’m in a three months relationship with this guy and he has made it clear that he can’t marry someone who he isn’t sure can satisfy him sexually. He’s been asking to have sex for a while now and I’ve been refusing. He gets frustrated and annoyed cuz he feels it’s something absolutely normal and he keeps saying he fully wants to have that bond with me. I have feelings for him and I enjoy the moments we spend together but I just wish sex would not always come up. It feels so hard to let him go cuz we have similar dreams, visions and aspirations and the feelings also. I know God has perfect plans for me and will give me the one for me but I feel so hurt and pained when I think of letting him go. I’m only 19 but I think I love him. Please what should I do
Hello Esther. Thank you so much for sharing your story.
Please flee. Flee from any man who claims to be a Christian but has normalised having sex before marriage. I know you are already emotionally attached, but sis, you can still come out of this relationship.
I say this as an older woman who made the wrong choices when I was just a few years older than you. I slept with my then boyfriend at 22 and it took me almost a decade to get over the spiritual and emotional seeds sown in that relationship.
A man who loves the lord, though he may struggle with sexual temptation, will honor God enough to know that it is wrong, rather than to excuse it.
1 Corinthians 6:18-20 reminds us that sexual sin is a sin against the body. More so, our body is the temple of the Holy Spirit – precious in his sight and not to be dishonoured. This is actually for our own good.
I hope this helps. Please do not hesitate to reach out to me.
May God strengthen and protect you from anyone who is seeking to make a mess of your life and destiny. I come against them in the name of Jesus. May the blood of the lamb preserve you in every way. Amen