What you need to know about pooping (and farting)

Disclaimer: you know that I know that poop (feces, number two, unmentionables, shite, doo-doo) is an important subject but is often relegated to the TMI category. However, I wish to unrelegate it (is that a word?), and you have been duly warned.

 

This post should read – what you do not want to know (but should) about pooping and farting.

Recently, I have been thinking about poop. If we’re being brutally honest, I’m always thinking about poop. Growing up, this proclivity was more from a point of worry.

I wasn’t regular.

In fact, I was so unregular that it became a running joke in my family. A day of poop was cause for celebration, while a day of two poops, would require a fatted calf as if my ‘prodigal’ poop had finally returned. But this was often unheard of hence my predilection to worry.

In addition to poop, I was often mesmerized by farting. Of course, I blame my dad for this. No one would knowingly confess to liking this bodily enterprise, right?

Well, if you do, then you’re weird.

But back to the story. When I was about 7, my dad fundamentally changed my view of farting. I remember that night so vividly. I was playing around with my brother and cousin when we decided to check in on my dad. He was on a call in his home office when we bounded in, full of energy and a little mischief.

We squished ourselves on the couch waiting for him to finish his call when a loud sound erupted. At first, we weren’t sure where it came from. We three looked at each other with surprise, ready to catch the culprit. Until another loud sound came through, and it wasn’t from outside of the room. It was my dad.

This time around, the sound didn’t stop like the first but continued. It had a melody – with high and low notes.

It was the longest and remains the longest fart I had ever heard. Must have gone on for about 15 seconds.

You can imagine that we were in stitches, my dad even joked to his friend that his kids were laughing because of his fart.  Till today, I still have a big smile every time I remember. I never got to ask my dad why he did it(or how he did it), but glad he did.

 

Getting comfortable with it!

That experience made me more comfortable about something I was told was rude, inappropriate, and unmentionable. This is not to say I fart ‘helter smelter,’ gifting the world with my special perfume. Not at all. I realize it is not something you do in “polite” company as people do not want to hear or know these facts about each other.

I remember stumbling upon a magazine article where they asked some guys their relationship pet peeves, and a few mentioned farting and pooping. Shocking, right! Well, not entirely since the source was a bit suspect.

But I thought it was hypocritical.

Did they expect that women don’t fart or poop?

Actually, there are some men that love the ideal- a beautiful woman who doesn’t fall prey to such bodily functions. No number twos for her (God forbid that she should fall prey to diarrhea).

I couldn’t help imagining that such relationships cannot last, and even if they do, would likely be full of pretense. How do you fully know someone if you are not adept with their bodily functions? Lol

I have a friend who usually poops after every meal. You, of course, know that I was jealous of her. We of the 1/2 per week variety couldn’t understand how someone would go two to three times a day.

But imagine if you were married to someone like that, you would have to discuss poop, because it happens too often to ignore.

 

What your poop says about your relationships

This is the premise of this misguided missive. On the one hand, I want you to be comfortable and appreciate this part of who you are. For instance, did you know that keeping it in can impact your health?

One defense to the freedom to fart and poop is that-  “ogburu onye … na plane”.

I will not be interpreting this joke/idiom but if you really want to know, then send leave a comment ?

Secondly, I’ve realized that our openness around these areas highlights how we interact or deal with some deeper issues. It comes back to how preoccupied we are with what people say, and what we think they say about us. It speaks to the need to “show the best part of our lives”.

Something we all know is tiring and unsustainable.

Don’t we want to be able to say to our partner:

“Hun, today’s poop was a doozy. I felt like I was shitting out all my problems. The relief was just beyond. How was yours?”

One time, during a mission trip, my friend and I had to answer nature’s call. As we were surrounded by lush green fields, we decided to do it in nature’s greenery. A great way to give back, right? As we stooped to do the deed, there was a look of kinship. It’s hard to pretend to someone who has seen your poop. You guys remain bonded for life (at least, until the memory vanishes).

And so that’s a useful piece of advice;

If you want to get closer to someone or test the mettle of your friendship, you should discuss poop. Discuss it in as much detail as possible.

Seriously!

Nothing grounds one as much as the realization that we all do it.

It is the ultimate dose of humility.

I remember laughing for 10 mins non-stop when a cousin and myself came to the obvious realization that celebrities poop. Before then, it wasn’t really something one imagined. At least, I hope not. A normal person will not think of Tom Cruise or Slyvester Stallone doing the deed. But thinking this way made them more real and more relatable. They were human, after all ?

 

Some conclusive statements

Now, back to the serious stuff.

In all my rambling, I hope I made you smile, but also hope you got something useful from all these. If not; here are a few stats:

• There are seven types of poop and each type says a lot about the state of your health and your digestive system. There is the hot dog, the Amoebas, and even the Caterpillar. Weirdly gross but super interesting.
• There’s an article about American national parks being ruined by human feces. See, this is important stuff.
• Not pooping regularly doesn’t make you a babe, a sweet thang, or a lady but shows that you need help to move things along. Though it has been known to come in handy at certain points in one’s life (NYSC camp).
• Your poop is mostly made up of “…undigested food, proteins, bacteria, salts, and other substances that are produced and released by intestines.” Healthline
• To poop more regularly – eat more veggies, fiber and drink loads of fluids. This has really helped me.
• Pooping and farting are normal and nothing to be ashamed of. Well, unless you do it on a Zoom conference call with your mic on…Oops!
• For more information on pooping, do check out this site. It’s totally ridiculous how interesting this lady has made this subject.

 

For those who may be asking why a “Christian” blog is talking about this subject.

• My pooping schedule was so bad that it became a prayer point. For the last year, I’ve kept a diary of my bowel movements and I have seen God come through in this area of my life. It’s funny how something that some people have never worried about is a cause for concern to others. It’s a reminder that we are all different. But more so that there is nothing God cannot do. Nothing is too big or small for his grace and power.
• In the words of King Solomon – “For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven.” Ecclesiastes 3:1 NLT

There is certainly a time to poop and a time to fart, it behooves us to attend to these activities with the respect and honesty they deserve.

Thank you.