What I learned about Christian dating

It is almost a given, in today’s world, to be at some stage of the dating process – meet up, date, get into a relationship, court, get engaged, get married, breakup etc.

It is even expected that dating and romantic relationships are a big part of our lives as single women, even when we are not actively looking. We also have people weighing in on our status, and of course the media (social media being a big part of this), providing a non-stop deluge of loved-up couples.

A few weeks, some ladies asked me which of the online dating sites I was using. One particular lady gasped when I told her I wasn’t on any. I felt like she kept giving me odd glances after that (or maybe that was all in my head) …Lol.

You can probably relate to this, as the prying increases as we get older.

 

What do we want in a relationship?

Of course, I can’t ascribe all the preoccupation with dating to external factors. After all, most of us have desires and goals for our future selves. We want to be in great relationships and hopefully have our own families. These are dreams we may have had since we were seven years old.

Part of the problem lies in subjecting our need to date and settle down to God’s purpose and timing, especially when his timing doesn’t jive with our wishes or our biological clock.

We don’t want to be a Sarah waiting until she’s 90 to have a child. Nor a Mary Magdalene dedicating her life in service to her master.

We want to be an Esther married to a king, and to be a Ruth getting a second chance at marriage. That’s more romantic!

We want all these things to happen sooner rather than later.

A ‘God-loving husband, beautiful children and a great career’ today.

We applaud the stories of men like Paul who gave it all for the kingdom, but deep down we hope and pray that such a sacrifice will not be part of our story.

Perhaps, my statements are mere conjecture, but I know these are some of the thoughts that have run through my mind, at one time or another. I have also seen friends and acquaintances breakdown under the strain of unrequited love, failed relationships and many years of singleness.

I even once pondered this issue of love and marriage and why we women seem to feel the pressure and burden more than men.

A few Christmases ago, my aunt told me that a woman’s place is in her husband’s home, taking care of his children. She was categorical about this. And she is not alone. I have heard similar sentiments from the young and old.

More importantly, I have learned not to feel bad or even angry after such statements. Though it often leaves me sad and tired knowing that we have a big and complex fight before us.

Putting Christian dating and marriage in perspective

You may have heard that marriage is a gift from God. You may even believe this, but can we honestly say that we are thinking about the giver of this gift – God, when we meet a guy? Can we say that our dating history is reflective of our relationship with God and what he is saying?

My answer to the above questions was negative, for a long time. I wrote about some of my struggles in previous posts and how hard it was to subject my dating life to the King of Kings.

I was lost in the world’s definition of dating and romance and that was really what I wanted.

You know – the ‘tall, dark and handsome’ man who would sweep me off my feet. Make all the necessary gestures, be great at sex (but abstinent), be hardworking and focused, be confident but not prideful etc.

You can see that these are not bad things, right? They sound wonderful and many of those traits are still wonderful.

But there was one major thing missing:

I wanted to date on my own terms not God’s.

I wanted what the world had for me and to juxtapose that with my relationship with God.

But that didn’t work!

It was faulty from the start.

See, God does not want to share our allegiance, our trust and our love. He wants every other relationship to be birthed from the place of our relationship with him.

Let’s put this in perspective. If I were to ask you right now, what are your preoccupation, what would you say?

How much time do you spend feeding your romance and dating choices?

Netflix and similar services have certainly helped with the onslaught of romantic movies.

It’s all subtle but powerful. Sipping into our hearts and minds and changing how we see things.

This is not a call to delete Netflix, cable or other streaming devices. Neither is it about going cold turkey. For one thing, I do not have the answer and I don’t know what you should do but I know one who does.

And that’s where I think we need to start.

We spend so much time trying to figure things like:

• Can I date an atheist or unbeliever?
• Is kissing okay?
• How far is too far?
• Is online dating okay?
• How do I deal with a guy who wants sex before marriage?

These are important questions, but I believe they are misdirected.

I believe the real question should be

‘what is God saying about this area of my life?’

It’s like that moment when Jesus told Martha:

“Martha, Martha, you are worried and troubled about many things. But one thing is needed, and Mary has chosen that good part, which will not be taken away from her.”

Luke 10:42

Just one thing truly matters and that’s knowing God’s will for our situation.

 

Should I join an online dating site?

This may be a question you have asked or wondered about? Perhaps, you even feel guilty. I will say this;

My reason for not joining any online dating sites was not based on some academic or moral argument but simply because I didn’t believe that was what God was leading me to do. God has a different path for each of us. We are better served by finding out what God wants us to do, rather than just following along with what others are doing,

And here’s the hard but beautiful part:

To know his will, we will need to spend more time with him.  As Christianity is not formulaic!

There is no method to it.

Even when you read things like ‘10 steps to your married home’ or ‘5 sure fire ways to find your dream man’

People may share what worked for them or what they learnt by the leading of the Holy Spirit. But they are only guides and are not cast in stone.

God wants to have a personal and deep relationship with each of us. We cannot use another’s walk with Him to determine ours. I cannot use Heather Lindsey’s story, no matter how much I loved it, to determine my own path.

Once again, I apologise if you were looking for a breakdown to help you overcome your own personal issues. I share some tips here on relationships and singleness but these cannot take the place or the work of the Holy Spirit. He is the one who leads us on what to accept and discard. He reveals God’s will and helps us navigate our dating choices. And he gives us grace to overcome any addictions no matter how deep and impenetrable they may be.

I pray you allow God into this area of your life and you subject your dating and relationship decisions into his care. Amen