Three Stereotypes about the Single Christian Woman

Have you ever imagined what life is like for the single Christian woman? Many times, it seems like we are in a race against time. This is mainly because of the stereotypes we have heard and many times, internalised.

When I was moving back from college, I had an interesting encounter with my aunt and her friend. They were discussing my supposed merits and the fact that I would be “an asset” to any man, they said:

“You have finished school now, the next thing will be to get married”

“You are quite pretty” “Those boys will be after you”

It’s been a few years down the line and it’s interesting that this same aunt and many other well-meaning relatives, friends and “interlopers” still make similar statements.

“Ah, my daughter, don’t worry. This year will be your year.”

You, of course, have to answer with an “amen” or some other positive affirmation if not they will all agree and possibly voice out their concerns that you are the very engineer to your ‘single’ state.

I think we need to chip, piece by piece, these long-held and dangerous beliefs regarding singleness in the society and the church.

I love how Kate Wharton, in her book Single-Minded, talks about the need to challenge the stereotypes about being single.

I totally agree.

 

Here are the three stereotypes about the Single Christian Woman

1. As a single Christian woman, you are incomplete. You have to be married to be considered a fully functional adult.
2. If you are still single in your 30’s and 40’s then there is something wrong with you.
3. If you intentionally choose to be single then your issues are even more serious including disobeying the precepts of God.

 

The Effect of these Stereotypes

Today, many single men and women are constantly reminded, by those around them, of the need to settle down. In some cases, we are pressured and threatened. Some parents go as far as setting an ultimatum, which could mean being disowned.

We tend to believe marriage is the answer and must be the next course of action for an adult.

 

A further look at the Stereotypes

I’ve always wondered how these stereotypes originated.

In Genesis, God said it is not good for man to be alone and it was on this basis that God created the female earthly form, Eve. Genesis 2:18

God also said the man shall leave his father and mother and cleave to his wife.  Genesis 2:24. Adam and Eve had no parents but the reference to father and mother was to be applicable to their descendants.

I believe God established the connection between man and woman (the use of the rib of the man for the woman) not just as a means to marriage but also for friendship, companionship and community.

However, we still have a greater calling.

You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. Deuteronomy 6:5.

You shall have no other gods before me. Exodus 20:3

No, I’m not saying that being married stops you from loving God. I’m rather saying that the focus should move from marriage to the one who created this union. God created the union for a reason but it seems the union has so evolved that we now have our own reasons. 

Stereotype 1 – You can only be complete when you’re married 

In many ways, we have been made to feel it is only our spouse or partner that completes us. But this is not the case.

There is only one person who can make us whole and complete and that is our Lord and saviour, Jesus Christ.

“The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” John 10: 10 (NIV)

“Come to me, all who are weary and heavy-laden, and I will give you rest.” Matthew 11:28

He didn’t say you will have life to the full, Chioma when you are married. He said; I will have it when I accept him as my Lord and saviour. You can read the attributes of today’s Christian woman here.

Jesus told the Samaritan woman at Jacob’s well that he will give her the living water and she shall thirst no more. Think about it; this woman had had 5 husbands and was currently living with a man she wasn’t married to (John 4:13-26). If indeed, our completeness was dependent on a significant other, why are there so many divorces, so much pain, anger and disappointment in marriages?

I have highlighted this point as I believe it is central to our belief system and expectations from a marriage.

The truth is simply this; if we are looking for security, fulfilment, and satisfaction, we have to realise that marriage is not the answer.

If you sought your spouse or agreed to marry him for these reasons, I hope you will reconsider your stance and realise that your fiancé, husband or boyfriend is really not the answer to your problems. How can he be when he is merely human and has his own problems? Or maybe you also believe you are the answer to his problems? If you aren’t, why would you expect otherwise on his part?

There is only one person that will never leave nor forsake us. Hebrews 13:5.  Every single human will fail you. Whether knowingly or unknowingly. Somehow, I think we know these things but knowing has always been different from doing. See Romans 7:15.

 

Stereotype 2 – There is something wrong with you

The idea that being single is merely a period of transition in an adult’s life, a period you’re supposed to leave as quickly as possible is not only faulty but unfair.

A few years ago, I had an older gentleman ask me if a popular man who happened to be in his early 40s was married. When I said no, this older gentleman made some comments that invariably suggested that this gentleman may be gay. While I don’t believe this was the case. I do have a problem with this thinking that something must be wrong with someone who is of marriageable age but remains unmarried. I must confess, I thought this way in the past and had to have a quick rethink.

There are so many reasons why a person may not be married. It could be as a result of past experiences, finances, culture, personal preference, purpose etc.

Stereotype 3 – Nobody chooses the single life unless they have something to hide 

This seems to be one area that some “well-meaning” folks cannot fathom. Why would a person choose the single life?

For one thing, two of the biggest proponents of salvation in the Bible, Our Saviour and Paul, his Apostle, were not married. Why is this so quickly forgotten? There are other great men and women of God who chose this life. Mother Theresa was one of such.

We have to accept that it is within a person’s right as a Christian to choose not to marry.

To intentionally choose to devote their lives and everything they have for the gospel. You don’t have to join a nunnery or become a Catholic priest to do this. Paul advocates that if you are able to control your desires, then indeed, you can choose the single path.

In Closing

As a single Christian woman, I have seen these stereotypes and a few more play out repeatedly and I know many other single women who have experienced these.

The area of singleness should not be one of shame but one of patience and understanding for all parties. The fact that you may be married or single does not make you any better than the next lady. We are all a work-in-progress and our paramount role in today’s world is to live for our King.

I do want to get married but not on society’s terms. It can only be on God’s terms and no one else’s. You probably feel the same way too so let us choose to follow Paul’s directive and be “…concerned about the Lord’s affairs… to be devoted to the Lord in both body and spirit…” 1 Corinthians 7:33

 

What stereotypes are you experiencing presently? How are you choosing to live as a single christian woman?