How to be friends with a guy as a single Christian woman

What do you think about close friendships with guys?

As someone who grew up with quite a few male friends, I didn’t see it as a big deal.

But there are contrary opinions about how single women should handle friendships with men.

There are some who believe we have no business being friends with men unless they intend to date/court us, while there are others who believe we should be out there and be friendly in other to attract possible suitors.

These two options are obviously at the extremes and seem quite transactional.

The fact remains that it will be nigh impossible to live life without interacting with the opposite sex. There will be those we meet through mutual friends, at work, at church, and at other social gatherings.

I believe it is unhelpful to expect single women to avoid friendships with men as if being friends automatically means we will fall into sexual temptations or get pregnant.

Even when we are married, there is this sense that the only man we should really be interacting with is our husband. I think that’s a bunch of gibberish. ?

I’m not saying the risk of sexual temptation is not there, but that avoiding such friendships will be like throwing ‘the baby with the bathwater.’

What we should be focusing on are the godly ways to build and nurture these sorts of friendships.

Three ways to nurture healthy friendships with the opposite sex

1. Make Room for Edification

One of the hallmarks of a good friendship is that it leaves each of you better than before. This means building a connection with someone who encourages you, supports you, and wants the best for you. 

You may be wondering:

“What should I discuss with a male friend?”

“How should I act when I am with him, especially when we may be alone.”

These are important questions but should not be restricted to male friends but are questions for any friend.

As Christians, we are called to be careful of the things we consume – words, opinions, movies etc. 

“Guard your heart with all diligence for out of it flows the issues of life.”

Proverbs 4:23

This means an unhealthy friendship with a woman can probably do as much damage as that with a man.

In other words, the things we discuss and do together matter.

The Apostle Paul’s words in Philippians 4:8 provide a great guide about what we should be focusing on:

“Finally, brothers and sisters, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable – if anything is excellent or praiseworthy – think about such things.”

We are not only to think about such things but allow them to flow into our speech and actions. Our words have power and what we say has the potential to bring life or death, redemption or sin.

We need to continually pray that our words and actions do not become the hotbed for temptation and avarice. 

 

2. Love Unconditionally

The idea of loving a guy you are not dating or married to unconditionally may have you shaking your head, and I get it.  Loving a male friend may send the wrong message – that you are interested in them when you may not be.

But this thinking has been a result of a lack of true, Christ-focused love in many churches and Christian circles. 

We have erroneously reduced love to something between couples or parents and their children rather than seeing it as the universal commandment God gave us. 

We are called to love God with all our hearts, all our minds, and all our strength, and to love our neighbors as ourselves. Your male friends qualify in this instance and should be loved wholeheartedly.

The Message version of Ephesians 5:1-2 expresses this beautifully:

“Watch what God does, and then you do it, like children who learn proper behaviour from their parents. Mostly, what God does is love you. Keep company with him and learn a life of love. Observe how Christ loved us. His love was not cautious but extravagant. He didn’t love in order to get something from us but to give everything of himself. Love like that.”

This is a tough call but not impossible. I pray that God will give us the wisdom and grace to extend such love and compassion to others, including our male friends. 

 

3. Create Healthy Boundaries

The idea of creating boundaries is probably the most important step (for many of us), for two reasons:

1. We may let everyone in and allow them to take liberties with us out of fear of offending or upsetting them.
2. We build impenetrable walls around ourselves that are unhealthy and unworkable in a bid to keep our virtue safe.

            These two extremes are a good reason why we must create healthy and Christ honoring boundaries. The fact is unguarded friendships with the opposite sex can leave us vulnerable to sexual temptations, jealousy, and envy. We may find ourselves indulging in sins we could have avoided thereby depriving ourselves of God’s peace.

Let’s break down this concept a bit further. 

What is a healthy boundary in a relationship?

This is the process of creating a limit or extent to the type, tone, and mode of interaction with others in a way that is beneficial and avoids the likelihood of abuse and temptation.

A healthy boundary is possible with the help and direction of the Holy Spirit.

More importantly, you may notice that the steps you need to take in maintaining such boundaries will depend on the friend and how close they are to you.

For some male friends, the Holy Spirit may lead you to create boundaries around how often you meet, what you do, or how late in the day they can call you.

For others, it may look different. This is why we need to continually pray for the wisdom and courage to create and maintain these boundaries.

 

Promoting godly friendships

In all this, I believe it is possible to maintain Christ-honoring friendships with men. More so, I know that like any friendship, we will need to invest the time and energy to grow it in the right way.

My prayer for each of us is that our Heavenly Father will help us nurture soul-enriching friendships. Amen