The best relationship advice I’ve ever heard

The best relationship advice I’ve ever heard was to:

‘go straight to the source.’

This probably seems abstract and a little bit weird and I wouldn’t blame you for not understanding it.

Before we get into the ‘ins and out’s of that statement, I will like to share a story (which should hopefully give some perspective to what that above statement)…

Over a decade ago, I was in the throes of a full-blown crush.

He was smart, tall and sophisticated.

He had that extra oomph and when I learned that he also liked me, I just about died…Lol.

But I was also a bit cautious; I hadn’t expected a requited crush, usually your crush doesn’t even know you exist.

Also, earlier that year, I had broken up with my first boyfriend, after three months of dating, and I wasn’t ready to date for dating sake.

So, I reached out to a friend I trusted who also happened to be a pastor.

I asked her what she thought I should do. I believe she asked if I liked the guy and when I concurred, she gave me the green light.

I was surprised that she didn’t ask to know more about this guy: his values, his beliefs or even caution me about sex and intimacy. I was happy to accept her counsel because it was what I wanted. 

Suffice to say, the relationship didn’t go well. It was short and furtive and it took me almost 7 years to get over it.

I share this story because it taught me so many incredible lessons. You may think my pastor friend should have asked more questions but I know she meant well and I was the one who made the choice to date.

It showed me that we can’t rely on others, even the prophets and priests among us, when it comes to life decisions. 

I know how many emails I receive weekly asking my advice with relationships. And it makes sense, our relationships are some of the most important decisions we will make and we don’t want to get it wrong.

But this isn’t really the issue.

The issue is that we often want someone else to figure things out for us. We want them to give us a step-by-step manual on what to do and how to do it. 

We want to be spoon-fed, and we are not alone. History has shown that this is a common human problem, even in the church. Here’s what Apostle Paul said about the churches in Corinth.

“You are acting like infants in relation to Christ, capable of nothing much more than nursing at the breast…”

1 Corinthians 3:2

I realized that most of people that reached out to me wanted me to tell them what to do but the truth is that I am not the source. I don’t know the full story so who am I to give counsel or advice!

But I could also relate because I’ve been there and there are days when I’m still there.

Days when making life decisions just seem scary and tiring and I just want to get it over with, and move on.

Yet, the buck will still lie with us.

Like in my story back there, even though I listened to my friend, I was still the one who had to make the decision and deal with the consequences.

It was my choice and up to me.

Even if I decided to delegate my decision-making capacity to a friend, family, spiritual mentor, husband, boyfriend etc, it wouldn’t have changed the fact that the ball always rests with me.

And there were quite a few consequences with my decision. There was a lot of guilt and regret. It took me years to finally accept God’s forgiveness and to forgive myself.

Please, I’m not trying to scare you but to remind us that our decisions matter and when it comes to relationships, we cannot rush things but need to know and understand what is paramount.

I finally realized that I had not done things the right way. I had been looking for someone to do the work I needed to do. But all along, it had been my responsibility to go to the source.

To find the answers I desperately needed – whether to date the guy or not.

And there is only one source. God is the only one who has the answer to everything.

The best advice, and not always the welcome one, is for us to go to God, directly.

People often mean well when they tell us what to do or not do about our relationships but I have learned to listen to those who encourage me to always check with God.

We can all get it wrong no matter how smart, logical, commonsensical or spiritual we are.

This is not to say God doesn’t speak through each of us, he sure does. And many times, it’s not in a way we would have imagined.

We need to go to God with this area of our lives.

Let’s ask him to direct us to the right people to counsel us in God’s way not their way.

I know people who have gotten bad advice from spiritual leaders, mentors and friends they trusted. They found that these people had advised them based on their experiences and not the word of God.

See, that’s dangerous.

Our experiences are personal to us and cannot be the standard of godly living or miracles. The fact that the man you or someone you know ended up marrying had done this or that, doesn’t mean it will be the same situation for the next woman.

At the end of the day, all we ask is to be rightly guided in whom we seek counsel from and whom we give counsel to.

May God help us remain firmly rooted in Him.

Here are some reminders of our omniscient (all knowing) and omnipotent (all powerful) God.

 

“We can make our plans but the Lord gives the right answer. People may be pure in their own eyes, but the Lord examines their motives. Commit your actions to the Lord, and you plans will succeed. The Lord has made everything for his own purposes, even the wicked for a day of disaster.”

Proverbs 16:1-4

 

“Do not conform to the pattern of this world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is – his good, pleasing and perfect will.”

Romans 12:2