Would you change your marital status if you could?

“She is woman, clothed in ivory, beautiful and purposeful but all they see is the ring on her left…”

Can you imagine a world where one’s marital status was not an issue?

Where a single or married woman could live her life fully, without stereotypes or misconceptions?

This is not a riddle nor a contrived plan to ask trick questions but just a little wish and a prayer.

I know I would love such a world but unfortunately, it doesn’t exist. Every day, we hear, see and probably experience some form of discrimination because we are single or married.

Many of these stereotypes cut deep and touch on our place as fully functional members of society.

This could also be because of the many inequalities women face, which trickle into every area of their lives including– education, career plans and family/marriage expectations.

Since the fall of mankind, being a woman has not been an easy journey. The scary part is that we are often not able to enjoy the fullness and beauty we have in Christ.

We are saddled with expectations (those we have on ourselves and those of others) that make us believe it is impossible to lay it down at Christ’s feet.

We think his yoke cannot really be easy. After all, we know what life must have been like for our mothers and those who came before. It couldn’t have been easy.

But…

What are we truly missing?

What are we holding on to when we could be letting go and letting God?

The role of a woman

I am still trying to figure out what a woman’s role really is and I can honestly tell you that I still don’t know.

I grew up with an extensive list of all the things a woman was meant to do and become.

At the top of that list was the designation ‘wife’ and the next was ‘mother’

There were also a few modern additions – smart, highly educated but very submissive, beautiful(well put together), volunteer in church and with charities.

You may have been raised with similar ideals.

All these often meant that the nature of our learning was different from those of our male counterparts. For one thing, my brother was never expected to be in the kitchen or do most house chores. But I was, even though I still needed to complete my assignments and do as well in school.

It has always been a double dose for women.

I have seen so many young girls and older women torn apart by the burdens to do it all and ‘have it all’. We are told to do so many things so we can get married, have children, keep our homes and build great careers.

Did you know that women do almost 80% of the unpaid work in the world, yet are not often regarded as effective contributors.

There is also the fact that women make up almost 70% of the 1.7billion people living in abject poverty. That’s a lot of women.

There are so many who do not have access to medical care, to education and ability to make decisions concerning their own lives.

If you live in the developed world, you may not be able to relate to these dire figures. But it is a scary and unwelcome reality.

Women have been playing catch up with so many hurdles to cross…

A few years ago, I cried out to God about this.

As a lawyer interested in justice and fairness, it was hard to see these obvious disproportionalities between men and women. It was even worse when I realised that many of these expectations and burdens had religious underpinnings, some of which were Christian.

That was heartbreaking.

The place for succour and protection had become a site of judgement and intimidation.

I knew I needed clarity, I needed an answer but most especially I wanted to understand. So, I asked our loving and faithful father for his own purpose for his women.

Why did he create us and what did he want us to do?

And he took me all the way to the beginning. To where it all started. To the glory and the curse.

Sis, I don’t know what you have been battling with. I don’t know the questions running through your mind that seem to have no answers but I know one who is ever ready to hear us when we cry unto him.

He is ever ready to reveal himself to those who will seek him. To those who want to have and build a beautiful relationship with him.

That’s the God we serve.

The first few chapters in Genesis were eye-opening.

First of all, we learn that God created the spirit beings(male and female) first before he gave them flesh and they became man and woman. Genesis 1:26-28; Genesis 2:7

I speak a little more about Eve here.

But after the fall, God cursed the woman to be subject to her husband(or a man), the New Living Translation includes an interesting twist:

“Then he said to the woman, “I will sharpen the pain of your pregnancy, and in pain, you will give birth. And you will desire to control your husband, but he will rule over you. ””

‭‭Genesis‬ ‭3:16‬ ‭NLT‬‬

It says the woman will seek to control the man but he will rule over her. This is such an incredible addition and puts many things in context. It speaks to a power struggle that has been happening since the beginning of time.

This curse is still active.

But not to everyone.

Jesus broke the curse. Not just for those under the Jewish law but every curse that shackled us.

The need to be seen and wanted

In a letter I wrote to single women who feel unloved and forgotten, I reflected on how our need to be seen, to be wanted has led so many of us down treacherous paths. How that deep longing continues to thaw at us, seeking to be filled any which way.

I wrote that piece as a single woman who had been in that place of longing.

But…

The journey to meaning and fulfilment can only be found in one place. There are many possible answers, many possible options but one real option.

And that’s what’s hard to understand and accept.

We want to be loved, we long to be held and share deep and meaningful affections with another.

Ain’t that the truth!

We were created to be interdependent. To build and nourish deep connections and one of the best ways is through marriage.

But that has never been the problem. Again:

MARRIAGE HAS NEVER BEEN THE PROBLEM.

Our focus and preoccupation with relationships, with marriage, with motherhood has.

And it all makes sense because we women in, many ways, are still living with remnants of the curse.

The need to control, the need to do about anything to have it all, and we keep getting the short end of the stick. We remain under the wield of men.

We fail to differentiate the gifts from the giver of the gifts.

We do everything in our power to get these gifts and when things go wrong, we blame the giver, even when we snatched it off his hands.

So much has been said today and I need us to take a few moments to truly look at our lives and preoccupations.

I say this as one who has been guilty of looking at God’s hands rather than focusing on his heart. I have often ‘served’ him to get my wishes met and not to just ‘be with him’.

Sis, spend time with your father.

Perhaps, you’re in a relationship or a ‘situationship’ going nowhere.

Maybe you find yourself spending every waking moment worrying about your singleness or even your marriage. The answer you need lies with God.

‘Seek him, with all your heart and I promise you will find him.’

I am still on the journey of understanding the role of women. Every day is a journey to trusting God and looking to him for clarity and strength.

There are bad days.

Days were being a woman makes me tired and sad and then there are the incredibly beautiful days when I know my redeemer lives.

Moments where, like Ruth, I surrender to God and allow His son(my kinsman redeemer) do his work in and through me.

For everyone longing for marriage, here’s something I’ve learned:

“I scarcely need remind you,” he wrote, “that marriage was instituted by God to be an object lesson to the world of the relationship of a believer to Himself. Each of you will play a significant role in living out this lesson.” Dr Dwight Pentecost

“But in its deepest sense, at its deepest level, this primary relationship between husband and wife is meant to be a living witness to others of the love of Christ for His church (Eph. 5:22-33)”

Quotes from Fervent by Priscilla Shirer.

In our longing for the union with man, we must first be united with God. And allow him to orchestrate our lives as he deems fit, whether we’re married or single.

Let us also take a stand against unfair and unhealthy characterizations of women, in the church and in society. And encourage and support each other as we continue on our journey to living for God.

I would love to hear your thoughts on this subject. Please share in the comments.