What is your role in a relationship?

When you think about the story of Adam and Eve, what’s the first thing that comes to mind- their beginning or the fall?

We tend to focus on the fall but when God created Adam and Eve there was a clear purpose (See Genesis 2: 15 – the end).

• Adam was called to manage and tend the garden (his domain and God’s blessing)
• Eve was created to support Adam. She was called to be a ‘helpmeet comparable to him.’

This presupposes that a woman’s role in a relationship is supportive. We are called to be burden bearers, but we cannot take on the burden we have not been given.

Have you ever wondered why God asked Adam where he was and not Eve, knowing that it was Eve that ate the forbidden fruit, first?

I believe it was in recognition of Adam’s authority and responsibility. And of course, Adam failed this question by playing the blame game (so did Eve, for that matter).

Their story is instructive because it highlights a few things:

• God does not pander to our excuses and our tendency to blame others for our choices.
• Authority and responsibility must go together. You cannot want authority without the attendant responsibility.
• In the same way, certain burdens are for you alone and those to be shared.
• As women, we tend to take on more than God planned for us.

One important thing we can cultivate in our relationship and marriage is to know our roles and operate fully in them.

It also means we need to avoid taking on what God has not given us as this breeds frustration, dissatisfaction, and ultimately a breakdown of the relationship.

What’s your role in your relationship?

Here are a few examples of what your role is and what it’s not:

What you bring to the table:

1. Unconditional love
2. Forgiveness
3. Kindness
4. Your skills and gifts
5. Gentleness
6. Honesty

 

What is not yours to bear: you are not –

1. Their peace (Jesus is)
2. Responsible for their happiness
3. Responsible for their sin
4. Responsible for their choices

Let me explain the last few points:

 

Why you are not their peace.

Just yesterday, I came across a comment on Instagram where a lady wrote, ‘I want to be his peace and he will be my world.’ I don’t know if she was being literal, but I remember thinking that she is placing dangerous burdens on herself and her future husband.

Do you want to make him to be your world? No, please ???

Similarly, it is not our responsibility to be anyone’s peace. Yes, we can foster peace, but we are not called to be peace. The Bible says:

Blessed are the peacemakers: for they shall be called the children of God.”

Matthew 5:9

This confirms a few things – peace-making is directly connected to our position as God’s children, it is not something we do of ourselves. Essentially, peace is rooted in a person and his name is Jesus Christ.

 

You can’t make them happy.

The second point in the list is perhaps the biggest lie about marriage – the idea that your partner will make you happy. Our happiness is not another human being’s responsibility. It is an outside expression of an inside job.

 

Who’s to blame?

Adam and Eve tried to pass the buck. They did not want to own up to their choices and their sin. But here’s the thing – your choices are yours to make and the attendant sin, is yours to bear. When God spoke the curses, he did it separately – to the man and then to the woman.

We need to own up to our sins and choices. We should also not take responsibility for anyone else’s.

God gave us agency and the incredible privilege to make our choices. There are indeed things that contribute to or influence those choices, but we need to be clear about the things in our control and those that are not. For more on this, please check out Myron Golden’s teaching on excuses.

 

Conclusion – let the Holy Spirit lead you.

Writing this relationship series has been an incredible blessing. I have seen the Holy Spirit convict and address many of my preconceived notions about relationships.

My prayer is that He does the same for you.

I believe God is raising a generation of kingdom-minded couples who will build and propel God’s kingdom here on earth—people who will love like Him.

But this is not an easy exercise, neither is it grounded in comfort and puppy love, but a beautiful medley of obedience, selflessness, and grace.

I pray that you open your heart to all God has planned for you, and you allow His purpose and power to course through you. Amen.