How to ask the right questions in your relationship

Over the past few days, we have talked about many approaches to getting to know and understand your partner. The truth is that you can’t learn everything about someone at once, but over time, you can learn the things that matter.

Additionally, this process of understanding has many facets and calls for patience and intention.

When I was in law school, we were taught the different types of questioning and how to use these effectively. The main types are open-ended and closed-ended questions.

As the name implies, open-ended questions are questions that give the respondent room to express themselves – these are questions that call for explanation, description, or depiction. While closed-ended questions don’t and usually require a “yes” or “no” answer.

Is there something you want or need to know about your partner?

You should ask and not assume or ignore. The Bible says:

Ask ,and it shall be given you; seek, and ye shall find; knock , and it shall be opened unto you.”

Matthew 7:7

To receive the information we desire, we should ask, and we should ask well. We ask to:

• Clarify
• Understand
• Connect
• Confirm

A failure to ask.

When we fail to ask, we often fall into the trap of making up stories in our heads.

This is especially so when interacting with introverts. They will usually not volunteer certain information if not prompted. The problem is that if you’re not aware of this, you may believe they are guarded and secretive when they may just be reserved and quiet.

And this is the problem with assumptions. They are a dangerous practice that usually causes more harm than good.

There is a popular saying that “assumptions are the lowest form of knowledge.”

Do you know why? Because what you assume cannot be trusted.

It is often more about you (your experiences, your fears, and your outlook on life) than about the other person.

According to Henry Winkler:

Assumptions are the termites of relationships.”

 

Termites are known to wreak havoc on wood, they burrow in and eat the pulp leaving just the shell -which becomes hollow and useless. Now imagine that this is what assumptions can do to your relationship.

Be aware of your assumptions and confront them.

 

The impact of our assumptions

Have you noticed something else about our assumptions?

They are usually negative and pessimistic.

I was guilty of this in a past relationship, where I would interpret my boyfriend’s actions based on my past experiences. So, his not calling automatically meant he didn’t care, and vice versa. I would imagine all sorts of scenarios, and these were hardly helpful.

And do you know something else?

My pessimism also meant that I had a limited amount of faith in the future of the relationship.

There is the school of thought that proposes that if we must assume then we should assume the best not the worst.

In the Surprising Secrets of Highly Happy Couples, the author found that couples who believed that their spouses loved them and had their best interest at heart, even if their reality looked different, were mostly happy compared to couples who didn’t believe this.

 

This may seem delusional but confirms an essential truth:

What you believe bleeds into every area of your life.

Your belief system affects the way you interact with your partner, the questions you ask or don’t ask and of course, the assumptions you make about the relationship.

 

I have found time and again that the biggest change required is a refinement of our belief system. It is a change in the way we see and do life.

Thankfully, we have a God who is in the business of refinement.

The Bible says:

Do not conform to the pattern of this world but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is – his good, pleasing, and perfect will.”

 Romans 12:2

 

Do we realise that God can guide every aspect of our relationship with our significant other? Do we understand that he is also invested in who we end up with?

After all, He instituted marriage and officiated at the first recorded wedding. God cares about your relationship. Go to Him for the wisdom and strength to navigate your relationship according to His will and counsel.