Isn’t it interesting how we often pray for peace yet, we tear it down with our thoughts and actions? It’s almost like there is an invisible tussle between who we want to be and who we are.
This is no more visible than in the way we manage our relationships. I have written quite a bit about relationships but wanted to focus on how our character and emotions affect these connections.
Today, I need us to consider how we express our anger and wrath in some of our relationships.
While building the right relationships with those around us is a beautiful thing, there is much more to it than that. For some of us, we may be coming from a place of hurt and betrayal.
Maybe you were hurt by your spouse, fiance, boyfriend, friends, siblings or parents. Probably more times than you can to count. It might have even been over things that happened years ago or just yesterday.
Did you ever confront them or have you been carrying it all this while?
Sometimes, I avoid confrontations until I have reached my boiling point and it erupts like a volcano. I usually hope that things will get better without me having to say anything but that hardly happens and when I do say something, its usually at the wrong time and in the wrong way.
“My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.”
James 1:19-20
From my experience, I have found that anger is a very strong emotion and many times, we lose some of our cognitive control in the throes of anger. Basically, we are likely to do certain things we would not have done if we were not angry.
But do you know another thing? Carrying the burden of anger is just too heavy, it’s cumbersome and it doesn’t allow us to live our life, freely. It sucks out our peace and in its place, we have bitterness and irritation. Definitely not what we were going for.
Have you experienced this?
Do you feel the need to express your anger against others due to their actions towards you? You may have stopped talking to them or reduced your communication to the barest minimum. You may have even made their lives difficult because of what they did to you. Maybe you said hurtful words in retaliation.
But did your actions or inactions make things better? Were you happier seeing the other person try to make it up to you without success?
I doubt you were, it may have felt good at first but that feeling quickly dwindles to nothing.
Life is already hard without adding more to it and I can honestly say that anger is a burden we don’t need. There are so many Bible references to anger and it’s debilitating effect, on our Christian lives, when it’s not managed properly.
“In your anger do not sin”: do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.”
Ephesians 4:26-27
Is it anger or righteous indignation?
This is a question I’ve heard in varying degrees amongst Christians. One of the wonderful revelations I got is that anger is common amongst humans and the problem is not getting angry but giving in to the negative emotions that anger creates.
I believe we should be very slow to anger and in situations where we do get angry, it should lead to an opportunity to create positive and lasting change, which is what I refer to as righteous indignation.
“On reaching Jerusalem, Jesus entered the temple courts and began driving out those who were buying and selling there. He overturned the tables of the money changers…”Is it not written: ‘My house will be called a house of prayer for all nations’ but you have made it a ‘den of robbers’.
Mark 11:15-17
An important lesson from Jesus’ actions is the motive. It was fuelled by righteousness and the need to right a wrong.
What fuels your anger?
If you find that you are quick to get angry, be cautious and ensure that you channel it for good.
A quick question is to ask yourself why you are angry or irritated. Many times, our anger stems from our selfish expectations and inner struggles or complexes (inferiority or superiority complex). Maybe we feel we should be treated a certain way and get upset when we are not.
“What causes fights and quarrels among you? Don’t they come from your desires that battle within you?
James 4:1-2
One of the causes of the battles within us is our pride. Our pride escalates issues and makes us feel more pained than we need to. Many times, it is our pride that fuels our anger, it comes from a place of selfish ambition and arrogance.
“Pride is concerned with who is right. Humility is concerned with what is right.”
Fritz Chery
If we are not careful, we allow our pride and arrogance to stop us from thinking clearly and reacting in the appropriate manner.
“Pride goes before destruction, and a haughty spirit before a fall.”
Proverbs 16:18
Learning to overcome our anger
A quick tip to help us overcome our anger is to make sure it does not fester. This means not dwelling too long on our anger as it’s likely to lead to a destructive pattern.
Can I ask you to do one thing today? Please forgive all those who may have wronged you in one way or the other.
“A person’s wisdom yields patience; it is to one’s glory to overlook an offence.”
Proverbs 19:11
Our patience and willingness to overlook the hurt and pain breeds peace. This peace is possible even in the storms of life. Even in those moments where we feel hurt and betrayed, moments where we feel the need to lash out at others but we don’t.
I don’t know what you’ve been through and I can’t even claim to understand the actions of those who have hurt you but I ask, as a fellow sister of a forgiving father to forgive them and let it go. You may have been cheated on, betrayed, lied to, insulted, abused and threatened. Forgive
“Get rid of all bitterness, rage, and anger…along with every form of malice. Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”
Ephesians 4:31-32
But it doesn’t end there. How about what we may have done to others? We are definitely not perfect and may have in more ways than one, said or done the wrong things.
We need to pray for wisdom to handle this, as well. This means we have to own up to our mistakes and wrongdoing. Excuses wouldn’t work here.
Could you say this short prayer with me:
My lord and father, thank you for your unconditional love and enduring mercies. I know I have done many things I shouldn’t have and the very things I should do, I avoid. Lord, please help me to overlook wrongs and be slow to anger. Let my actions breed positive change and progress rather than more pain, bitterness and regrets.
Please help me to be more like you in all I do. Thank you for I know you have heard me and you will answer. Amen
Oh, this is so good! I struggle with anger at times, especially towards the people I love the most (husband and kids), which is so embarrassing! I tend to immediately react, instead of pausing and taking a deep breath before I respond. That said, there have been times when I’ve held on to a deeper hurt…just held on until I explode, which isn’t any better. Thank you for the reminders to FORGIVE and pray!
Thank you for sharing your story, Jessica. I can totally relate. May we remember to breathe deeply, forgive and pray.
Love this and I’m reading this at a very good time. I think forgiveness is key here a lot of the times and I have to learn to forgive people, even if that means me being the bigger person. Appreciate you writing this and sharing your thoughts!
Thank you, Kelly. So glad you found this helpful
What a great reminder! It’s so hard to live out, I need to constantly come back to all these truths and pray for strength.
Love this! It can be so hard not to be angry or to feel bitterness sometimes, but it’s like a poison in our lives. Letting go and trying to remember the kind of person I want to be REGARDLESS of the way other people act is the only way I stay sane!
Great reminder. Wonderful way to check our hearts as well. A friend of mine once told me: “Don’t waste your anger.” There are issues worth getting angry about–issues on abuse and trafficking and genocide. Most things we get angry about aren’t any of those.
You write so beautifully, Chioma! <3
I can’t trade my peace of mind for anything and understanding the power of forgiveness has been so liberating!!!
I forgive myself and others because anger is such a huge burden to carry. I am learning to communicate clearly and this has brought me a lot of peace in my dealings with people.
That’s wonderful, Adaeze. Thank you so much for sharing this. Forgiving ourselves and others is truly liberating.
This really spoke to my spirit today because am trying to forgive someone that hurt me. Anger is truly a weight and who ever angers us controls us . Today I struggle to forgive and I think it’s mainly cos I can’t tell the person how I feel the person is much older than me. The anger has now made me feel like the perpetrator but I pray for Grace to forgive.