How to listen to your partner

Did you know that listening is one of the hardest human practices right now? And one major reason for this is that getting and keeping our attention on something is getting harder each day.

Merriam-Webster dictionary defines listening as “to hear something with thoughtful attention.”

Well, giving thoughtful attention to something is certainly an expensive commodity.

Let’s put this in perspective with:

Tomiwa and Greg’s story.

Tomiwa and Greg have been dating for the past 6 months and it has been going well. However, there is one thing that has been stressing Tomiwa out. She feels like Greg doesn’t listen to her. She feels like even after she has said something, he goes ahead to do whatever he wants.

A good example was her birthday a few weeks ago. She had told Greg that she didn’t want to do anything. For her, birthdays have always been a time of deep reflection and worship. In the past, she would usually take a retreat around that time, but because she was dating, she had been fine with dinner or a movie with just the two of them.

Guess what Greg did – he threw her a surprise party.

This was the opposite of what she wanted. Yes, it was nice of him, and it was good to celebrate with her friends and family, but it hadn’t been what she wanted.

She had felt so listless and unnerved most of that day.

There have been other times where she mentioned what she liked and he had gone ahead to get something else, telling her that he had heard girls liked those things.

Tomiwa believes that Greg hears her, but he doesn’t actually listen.

What should she do?

I believe Tomiwa’s story shows the difference between hearing and listening.

Hearing is about recognising or giving an ear to words, while listening is about paying attention and assimilating those words. Our ability to listen to what our partner says is such a profound way to express our love to them and show them that we honour and respect them.

This is another key to meaningful communication.

The Bible says that we should be “quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to anger.” James 1:19

We should be quick to give an ear to what matters to the people that matter to us. And we do this by our actions.

 

Three ways to cultivate a listening ear:

1. Focus on what is being said.

Keep your attention on what they are saying. Avoid trying to do any other thing that will steal your attention or distract you. It’s better if you ask for a more appropriate time to talk than if you’re distracted all through.

There’s a saying that goes like this:

“Don’t listen to respond, listen to understand.”

Also, avoid having conversations in your head (or am I the only one who does this?)?

 

2. Repeat or reiterate what they’ve said to confirm you understood.

One way to check your understanding of what your partner is saying is repeating their words or key points from the conversation back to them. This helps you clarify and confirm what you have heard.

 

3. Put it into action.

One way we show we heard our partner is to implement what they told us. If your boyfriend tells you he really likes bananas but hates nuts, you go ahead and buy him bananas and pair it with something else reminding him that he said he doesn’t like nuts. He will feel heard.

 

What should you do if your partner is not listening?

Like Tomiwa, you may have experienced situations where the person you’re with is not listening to you. Here are a few things to do:

1. Address the issue so it doesn’t compound.

Don’t wait till things add up or until you are frustrated to address it. Speak to your partner about how you feel, be sincere and courteous.

 

2. Speak to God about it.

One of the best scoops of dating someone from God is that you can go directly to God when things are not working or when there are issues. Pray for them and for yourself and ask God for the grace and wisdom to navigate the situation.

 

3. Check your communication style.

It’s possible that part of the problem may be due to your communication style. Find out ways to improve. This includes asking your partner for their opinion on this.

For more on the relationship secrets series, click here.