Five Steps to overcome Grief & find Peace

Grief is a universal experience, it is the ever present pain for those who love and care for others.

I read a recent quote said to have been made by Queen Elizabeth II:

“Grief is the price we pay for love.”

This is certainly true for me. It seems that grief is a byproduct of love. This doesn’t mean we will always experience it or how often we will, but some how, it is something that is always in our periphery. That thought of losing someone you hold dear.

But what happens if that fear actually comes to pass? If that one thing you have been dreading and hoping would happen, happens?

This was the case for me when I lost my father. It was a devastating experience and I knew my life had changed forever.

Dealing with Grief

The truth is that it is hard. You can’t help but re-live your final moments with them. There will always be that part of us that will wonder if we could have done more to save them. We will be constantly reminded of all the memories that we can no longer share with them and the fact that our future is now bereft of them. Yes, it’s tough.

Grief is one of those emotions that we may never truly understand until we are in that place. I lost my aunt a few years ago. While it was a painful experience, it is nothing compared to the death of a dearly beloved parent, especially where the death was abrupt, with no warning.

Here’s one thing; no matter how much it hurts, how you feel robbed or can’t even think of going on without the very thing you’ve lost, you need to move on. You need to start living again, as best as you can.

Grief is not forever. It is a season like many others. I believe the pain will slowly ebb away.

The Pain

Dealing with the pain, the constant ache and the memories will not go immediately. It will take time but I honestly can’t tell you how long. It’s up to you and how you choose to handle it.

I remember when people told me “it is well”, I felt like kicking them out of the house. The truth was that it wasn’t well, not when I was hurting so bad.

Surely, everything couldn’t have been well. Yet, I don’t blame them because I know many of them meant well but just didn’t know what to say. I have definitely been in their shoes and I hope all those I said it to will forgive me.

While I have come to identify that life is transient, one moment here and the next, gone. I also know that until we breathe our last on earth, we have to live full and intentional lives. Which means we have to move beyond our grief. Yes, it is possible.

How to overcome grief 

Here are five steps that helped me and I hope will help you learn how to overcome grief and find peace:

Step 1: The Place of Weeping

“For everything, there is a season…a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance.” Ecclesiastes 3:1 & 4

You should mourn. Don’t ever be afraid to cry and let it all out. It is part of the grieving process.

Sometimes, in our bid to stay strong we forget to weep, to mourn the loss of a loved one. This can have lasting consequences on our psyche. Even Jesus wept when he heard that his friend, Lazarus, was dead, John 11:35.

Allow yourself to express the emotions, to go through the stages; anger, shock, denial, guilt and everything in between. It is part of the healing process. Though we have to be careful not to wallow. When we allow ourselves to grieve without control, there is a part of us that might want to remain in that state for as long as possible.

Don’t let that happen. It’s very easy to slip into depression when you are grieving but you have to avoid it. The Bible says we should not grieve like those without hope. 1 Thessalonians 4:13.

If we do, we will only open ourselves to depression, regret and unbelief. But it’s not in our power to stop it. If we try to do it in our strength, we will most likely fail. This takes us to the next step.

 

Step 2: The Place of Prayer

When I lost my Dad, prayer was the farthest thing from my mind. I prayed while at the hospital but the day after it happened, I was numb and still in shock. The thought of praying did not register.

I was still asking God why so I wasn’t ready to pray. This was difficult because prior to this, I had been growing my spiritual relationship and time with God but it stopped.

My dear sister, don’t let that happen to you. You need God at every point even when it feels like he has left you. We may all feel that way. In Matthew 27:46 Jesus cried out to God “…my God, My God, why has though forsaken me?” Jesus felt it too but he also knew God was with him

God loves you unconditionally and will never leave nor forsake you. Deuteronomy. 31:6.

On our part, we need to continue to keep our mind and heart on things of God. You know what it does? It changes our perspective.

Prayer is our way of communicating all we are feeling and going through with the one person that knows and understands us absolutely. How beautiful it is to know that there is someone there for us!

 

 

Step 3: Accept the Support

Many times, when we are grieving, we want to be shut out from the outside world. I know, I did this. I wasn’t taking calls and avoided some people but when I let them in, it really helped, especially when people that had also lost loved ones shared their stories.

Don’t reject the love and support of your friends and family. I need you to understand that they are trying to help you. The Bible tells us to mourn with those who mourn. So when they call, send messages or visit, they are checking in on you. I do know some people may have ulterior motives but that is not for you to worry about. All you need is to do is accept that they are there to mourn and be with you.

Step 4: Get up and live

You know what- I am still grieving; every day comes with its own aches but God has been so merciful. He saw us through the funeral and even now, he has remained with us.

But we also have to do our own part, which is to move forward and ahead. A man without hope is a man who has lost his zeal for life. We have hope, hope of a better tomorrow, hope for everlasting peace and eternal salvation.

We basically have to get back to the land of the living. This will mean going back to work, school, our social activities or community work.

We need to take action! If you don’t feel like, how about you consider what your loved one would have wanted for you. I’m sure they would want you to keep living and to be the best you can be. This is very important and really helped me. I channelled my mind to think of the things my Dad would have liked and ways I could make him proud.

I know that sometimes when we are grieving, we may take up destructive or dangerous habits (laziness, promiscuity, drugs, alcohol, obsessive dependency on others, callous talk, unbelief), please avoid these. It won’t be easy but remember that Christ has strengthened you to do more and you do not have a spirit of fear but of love, power and a sound mind. 2 Timothy 1:7

 

Step 5: Be a comfort to others

Share your story and minister to others. I have written this as the last step because you have to have gone through your place of healing to be able to talk about what happened. More so, we need to remember that whatever we are going through or have gone through is not unique to us. There were those before us and more after us.

“Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves receive from God.”

2 Corinthians 1:3-4(NIV)

For me, I believe that verse is a mandate to go forth and help those who are hurting. Sometimes, we focus so much on our feelings, our hurt and emotions that we forget that it’s not about us. No matter what happens, we remain disciples of the most-high and his ambassadors on earth. Let us encourage one another in love and compassion and the God of all will see us through.

Use your love

While grief may be a byproduct of our love, there are a few other things that come with that love. Your love will give you the strength to overcome grief. It will remind you that you can live a life worthy of your loved one. That you can smile again at the fond memories you will always have.

Do remember that ‘it is indeed well’.

 

How have you managed trying times and grief in your life? Please share your story.