How to apologise in a Christian relationship

Hey friend,

Hope you’ve been enjoying the series.

I have a few questions for you today:

How are you with apologising?

Is it something you are quick to do, or do you need Jesus to come down from heaven for you to say, “I’m sorry”? ?

When you apologise, do you mean it, or do you tend to say it for “peace” to reign?

I ask these questions because they matter, but also because the Holy Spirit just gave me incredible insight on this topic.

While ruminating on this subject, I had planned to start the post like this:

“It’s hard to say I’m sorry but…”

You have probably seen similar statements; I know I wrote something similar in an IG post a few weeks ago (I need to edit that caption).

Guess what the Holy Spirit told me:

“How you define something is how you are going to see it.”

If I keep saying apologising is hard, then it will continue to be hard. It will continue to be an area of struggle.

Wow, right?

I also realised that if I had started the post with that statement, it would probably have affected how you read the rest of the post.

I’m still blown away by this lesson because it has changed the very tone of this post and the lessons herein.

 

Why apologising is a powerful practice.

The way we see the act of apologising matters. Going forward, I want you to remember that:

Apologising is a kingdom practice.

It is a selfless act.

It is a beautiful means of showing the people we are with that we honour them and that they matter to us.

also signals to the person that you are willing to take responsibility and course-correct.

 

Do you know something else, our ability to apologise and the way we apologise says a lot about:

1. Our heart posture –

“Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks.”

Matthew 12:34

“For where your treasure is, there your heart will also be.”

Matthew 6:21

What matters more to you – loving others and obeying God or self-preservation?

 

2. Our relationship with our flesh –

The flesh is ruled by our ego and our ego continually seeks to rule us.

“So I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh. For the flesh desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the flesh.”

Galatians 5:16-17

 

3. Where our identity lies – in ourselves or Christ.

Do you believe God when he calls you His child?

Do you believe that you can live like Christ – that you can be gentle and humble? (see Matthew 11:29-30)

4. The reality of following Christ.

“Then he said to them all: “Whoever wants to be my disciple must deny themselves and take up their cross daily and follow me.”

Luke 9:23

When we deny ourselves, we are essentially denying our flesh and its power to rule over us.

 

How to apologise meaningfully

Please know this, there is no one-size-fits-all approach to apologising, but there are a few things to remember. I have provided the below tips as a guide.

1. Reframe how you view the act.
2. Take responsibility – own up to what you did!
3. Tell the truth – be honest about your actions and words.
4. Actually, apologise – say I’m sorry or other similar terms.
5. Make restitution (where possible) – did you promise to help them with something, buy something or do something? Is it something you can still do? Please do!
6. Avoid making excuses – this just shows you are trying to absolve yourself. Avoid the tendency to be defensive or try to reduce the impact of what you did or said (that’s your flesh …aka Mr ego talking).
7. You can’t force them to accept your apology. Your part is to apologise, it is up to them to respond as they deem fit. More so, the quickest way for them to accept your apology is when they see a change.

 

How to accept an apology

The other side to the act of apologising is to learn how to accept another’s apology. Now that we are learning to reframe how we view this act, I pray that we will also learn to extend grace to others. This means that we:

1. Are quick to accept their apology.
2. Choose the part of forgiveness.
3. Focus on why we love them and not just on what they did.
4. Ask God for the grace and strength to continue to love and respect them – and live this out.

 

Conclusion – what was your key takeaway?

There are so many lessons from today’s relationship tip, one key thing to note is this:

Redefining the practice of apologising and acknowledging what it means to you, as a follower of Jesus, can change your life and the tone of your relationship.

 

I pray you always remember this. Amen