Her lost dreams – Seun’s Story, Part 1

“I’m not doing it”. Seun says curtly refusing to look at Ify.

“What do you mean you’re not doing it?”

“Ify, I just can’t. I will be 30 in a few months. How will it look if I say I’m going back to school? Who goes back to school at 30?”

Seun turns from her view of the bustling Lagos metropolis and looks at her friend. Her eyes dart across her friend’s features, hoping Ify would understand the inner turmoil she couldn’t put into words.

Ify continues to stare at Seun, the crease on her forehead deepening.

“I wish I can find a better way to explain this but Ify, this means starting from scratch. It means everything I’ve done up till this moment has been for nothing. 4years of psychology, the excruciating year of youth service in Zamfara and my recent promotion to senior HR specialist at Zentech. How do I let go of all these? How can I truly start afresh?”

Seun walks closer to Ify, hoping her friend would support her decision.

She knew Ify wanted the best for her, but going back to school was a price too high to pay. She had initially shared these dreams with Ify but things had changed since then. The irony was that many of their mutual friends were settling down and some even starting their own businesses and here she was considering going back to school.

Starting all over again.

Seun feels the ache in the pit of her stomach, a reminder of the magnitude of this dream. For the past few weeks she had been thinking that God was asking too much of her.

Ify presses her lips together, usually a sign that her friend is about to say something Seun doesn’t want to hear.

“Sey, you and I both know this wasn’t some random idea or something you can simply ignore,” Ify says with her hands out almost as if she needs them to reiterate her words. “You believed this was what God wanted for you. What changed?”

Seun remains quiet.

“Have you heard from the schools?” Ify asks as she sits, a signal that this conversation was far from over. Seun shakes her head not wanting to say any more on the subject.

She had been so excited at the beginning.

Her prayers had pointed to God leading her to do this, to pick up her long-forgotten dream. She had been shocked, at first, but her happiness had won her over. In her excitement, she had sent her application to three schools, two in the US and one in Australia. She had felt these would be a good fit, though she still didn’t understand what made her choose Australia.

It’s been two months and she still hasn’t heard back from any of the schools. They had said decisions were made between 4-6weeks of receiving an application and hers was over 8weeks.

Seun sits on the bar stool facing the road, lost in thought. Ify calls to her.

“Sey, is that why you don’t want to do this? Are you afraid? Is this about not getting in, you don’t want your hopes dashed so you want to give up before you receive any rejection letters?

Seun couldn’t argue this.

There was a fear that the schools would think she wasn’t good enough. But she also knew it was more than this. She had been feeling listless for the past few weeks. Each day came with the burden of what would change and what she would lose if she went back to school. She was just tired of it all and wished she hadn’t decided to try. That was her biggest fear, to try and fail. She felt the deep ache and the tumble of fear at the pit of her stomach.

Ify finally changes the subject, as they order their meal.

They spend the rest of the evening discussing other things, ignoring the elephant in the room.

They had been coming to this spot for the past few years. It had become their ritual to meet up one evening during the week to catch up. The small restaurant with its array of African prints and a small library at the back was the perfect mix of chic and intimate. Their love of the food also kept them kept coming back. Though Seun had missed the last two meetups.

“Seun, have you amended the agreed sections of the employee handbook?” Seun looks up from her laptop to see her boss, Dr Doyin, standing by her office door, the top half of her body leaning into the room. This was often a sign that her boss was on a tight deadline and didn’t have time to chat.

“I’m working on it. You should receive it before COB.”

“Great! Thanks.” Dr Doyin steps back and shuts the door.

It has been three days since her conversation with Ify and Seun was still undecided on what to do. She had been refreshing her email, every few minutes hoping to hear back from the schools. At least that would give her something to work with.

Seun is lost in work and doesn’t move from her seat until she sends the email to Dr Doyin at 4.15 pm. She stretches slowly, a feeling of relief that she was done for the day. She flips through her phone to see what she had missed in the past few hours. Twitter was abuzz with some scandal. She had never really gotten into the whole social media craze. She only went on as a way to wind down and was not active on any of them. Ify calls her an old soul.

Remembering her friend, Seun checks her email. The first few are marketing emails from her bank and a few travel agencies. As she scrolls down, there’s an email from the University of Michigan. The subject reads ‘your application’, which doesn’t say much. With her heart beating right out of her chest, she clicks on the email, almost certain of rejection.

“Thank you for your application to the University of Michigan’s Nursing Program. We are pleased to make you an offer. However, you did not qualify for a full scholarship but are still eligible for a partial scholarship. Please reply to this email within two weeks of the date of receipt to accept or reject this offer.”

Seun takes a breath she hadn’t known she had been holding in. She notices that her heartbeat is still fast and her palms feel clammy. She wasn’t really sure how she felt. She had dreamt a few weeks ago that all three schools had rejected her application. But here was she was with an offer from one of the best schools for nursing.

What should she do?

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