Have you ever been asked, “what do you want in a man?” Perhaps, you may have even asked yourself this question a few times.
How did you answer it?
Here is what this lady, let’s call her Bisi, listed out as her ideal man:
“He has to be tall, dark, handsome, wealthy, spirit-filled, emotionally intelligent, a prayer warrior, financially secure, a great dresser, funny but serious when needed, drama-free, and of course, family-oriented.”
For her, the man who ticks all these boxes is the perfect one for her.
You can probably relate.
Deep down, many of us have a “list”.
Now, don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with having desires or even a “list.” God made us with preferences, and attraction is important. But I also know how easy it is for us to confuse godly standards with unrealistic expectations.
And often, the verse that fuels this confusion is Psalm 37:4:
“Delight yourself in the Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart.”
What This Verse Really Means
Many of us have heard this verse quoted almost like a formula: “If I want it, God will give it to me.” But that’s not the promise here.
The first part matters: “Delight yourself in the Lord.”
This means becoming so wrapped up in God, so in love with Him, that our desires begin to look like His desires.
What once felt like “our list” becomes “His will.” And when our desires align with His, He’s eager to fulfill them because they bring Him glory and they are good for us.
So yes, if you love tall, dark, and handsome, God isn’t dismissing that. He created beauty and attraction. But His heart is for you to see deeper — to long for what He longs for in a spouse: godly character, faithfulness, kindness, courage, and a shared pursuit of Christ.
Godly Standards vs. Unrealistic Expectations
When we say godly standard, we are talking about choices and actions that are borne from the spirit. It is about one who has chosen to live God’s way, to bear good fruit, not superficial
And to be able to see and discern these things, we need the help and guidance of the Holy Spirit.
Godly Standards:
- A genuine relationship with God
- Integrity and honesty
- Consistency in actions and words
- A willingness to grow and be corrected
- A man who loves you as Christ loves the church (Ephesians 5:25)
Unrealistic Expectations:
- Perfection (he never struggles, never fails, never annoys you)
- A picture-perfect life by age milestones
- A man who checks every cultural or physical box, while ignoring the things that actually sustain marriage
- A belief that marriage itself will “complete” you or erase every longing
The danger of unrealistic expectations is that they can make us blind to good men who don’t look like the list in our head.
A Word of Hope for You
Here’s the beauty: surrendering your list to God doesn’t mean He’ll ignore your heart. He knows the desires you don’t even say out loud. And sometimes, His gift will surprise you, you may find yourself with someone who isn’t exactly what you imagined, but is exactly what you need.
And sometimes, He will still give you the tall, dark, handsome man and the godly character, because He’s that kind. The key is not to idolize the package over the content.
Reflection
Take a moment to prayerfully look at your list, if you have one. Ask yourself:
- Which of these desires reflect God’s heart?
- Which are based on fear, comparison, or cultural pressure?
- Am I delighting in the Lord enough to let Him shape my desires?
Remember, holding godly standards is wisdom. But clutching unrealistic expectations can rob you of seeing God’s best.
So, delight yourself in Him. As you do, trust that He knows how to give good gifts , not just what you want, but what will also bring joy, growth, and lasting fruit in your life.
Prayer:
“Lord, align my desires with Yours. Teach me to value what You value, and help me trust that what You give me is always good.”
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