Giving God my dreams

— The beginning–

I could tell something was wrong, the words were heavy,

dripping with arrogance and judgment.

I saw her flinch, her lips quiver through the tirade.

She didn’t say anything. A sad smile across her pretty face was confirmation that she heard what had been said.

I wished I could say something.

I wished I could defend her. To tell them she was so much more:

A beloved aunt, a loving sister, a sweet friend, and a dedicated daughter.

I wished they would not look at her in only one light – an unmarried woman.

 

— The Test —

A cold dreary night, lost in the thought as I waddled through the puddles on the cobbled street until I saw her.

A frown across her young face, hands together, she had not moved from her spot.

I knew I had to go to her.

Heart beating fast, I walked up to her before I lost my nerve and bolted.

She was even younger than I thought barely a teenager and all alone.

The words of encouragement tumbled through my lips, unrestrained in their pursuit to care.

Oh! But I couldn’t stay.

I knew I was to do more but told God I had done enough.

My excuses were a mile long: prior appointments, how bizarre it all was and the fact she was a different race.

What could I possibly do for her than encourage her? Who was I to do anything more, I was also a student trying to hold on.

 

— The Lost Path —

I had forgotten.

I had forgotten the dream, the love, the passion to do more.

The desire to help, to stand in the gap.

How could I have lost my reason for the law, the promises to fight for those who needed a win; for the voiceless, the nameless, for those who had become nothing.

Here I was, living another dream, a dream the world had given me but not one I ever dreamt of.

It had not been part of the plan, yet I lived it. Happily until that moment. That moment when I remembered. When I knew I had gotten off the path.

I knew that my heart had been blackened, turned off from the empathy and compassion that used to reside there.

I had lost it!

 

 

— Uncertainty reigns —

Why did I think I could make up for my inaction by too much action?

Why did I think all it would take was to run and run and run.

That wasn’t the answer.

It was a step and too quickly a jump

I needed to go back.

Back to the first dreams, the dreams of that little girl, who knew there was something she was made to do.

Something that moved her in ways nothing had ever done.

But I couldn’t wing it.

So I ran again. I settled into the safe, the known, the acceptable. Telling myself I would use this time to think, to strategize and to know.

But who was I kidding!

 

— A Second Chance —

The itch was back, buoyed by the sleepless nights and restless days.

I knew I was drowning but the fear held me still. I couldn’t break out from the shallows.

I couldn’t move, held fast by a past of bad decisions and undisguised fear.

But then, I heard the voice, the voice I had been hoping for all along. The voice that had been silent at those moments I needed answers. Moments when I needed to move.

And the voice told me it was time.

It was time to live that little girl’s dream.

It was time to birth the passion, the desires

I felt my head break free from the water, my first real breath in years.

The release had finally come.

 

 

— A Bumpy Ride —

Oh! It didn’t go as planned.

The voice had told me one thing and like any excited child, I had heard another.

I had taken a few more steps, ahead of the One who had promised to lead me down this new path.

With love, he drew me back. He told me it had to happen His way and in His time.

But this was not what I expected.

I was used to doing things my way and in my time.

I did not want to suffer through the looks, through the side-talk:

“Did you hear, she has left again”

“What is wrong with her?”

“Who does she think she is?”

I wanted to prove them wrong. I wanted to show that I could build something incredible.

But He said wait…

wait…

Do it My way.

 

 

— The Rebirth —

Why did I believe I could figure out life myself? That I have what it takes to make my dreams come true?

I would have failed royally for I didn’t fully understand. I had only seen a part of the plan.

But the One who made the dream possible took me under His wing.

He showed me, with each step of the journey, the beauty and majesty that lies in doing things His way. Of letting go and letting God

Did I still fall and get it wrong? Absolutely! There have been many incidents along the way but grace carried me through.

I know now that I was only one half of the coin, an inanimate that needed His life, His wings to fly.

 

 

— Onward, Soldier —

What does the future hold?

I don’t know and I don’t care.

Oh! I care in the ways that matter but no longer with the intention to control every bit of it.

That’s what love did.

It was what knowing and trusting God made possible.

The blessed assurance that He that called will equip me for the work.

And I surrender, letting go of the need to prove myself.

What a privilege it is to bask in the depths of his everlasting love. To soar on the wings of his grace and abundant mercies.

Every day is a chance to reflect His light, to show the world His glory, honor, and majesty.

The best decision I ever made and continue to make is this:

Giving God my dreams