Four ways to know he’s Mr. Wrong

Would you agree with me that there is a whole lot of drama when it comes to dating including Christian dating? The problem areas are usually around our choice to date and to remain in that relationship. Many times, we’re not sure if we should continue or call it quits.

Well, I’m about to add to your drama with this: the fact that a man is good doesn’t mean he is the right man for you.

Ladies, please hear me on this. I know this may be difficult to accept, considering how hard it can be to meet a good man who is interested in us.

Yet, not every good guy is your guy. This is not about soul mates and all those romantic things that make us feel tingly inside. This is the big and deep stuff.

I’m quick to repeat that marriage is the most important earthly union we will ever have. Which means we should be serious about dating as it is a trial run of the real thing without the permanence.

Does this go against what you’ve been told and the things you’ve heard? Probably. I was constantly told that if the guy is good and loves God then I should definitely go ahead.

Thank God I didn’t.

For one thing, it’s dangerous to think the only criteria for marriage is a good man. Whose standard are we using to determine this, is it God’s or the world’s?

The place of compatibility

One thing that is easily overlooked at the beginning stages of a relationship is compatibility. Not just in relation to physical attributes and interests. These matter but it’s so much more than that.

As a young woman, I know you have friends. Some are closer to you than others. A quick look at your life will show that your close friends didn’t gain that status just because they are better than the others. No, there were probably other things that connected you with these particular people. It may have been values, temperaments, experiences or longevity. If this is the case in friendships, why do we expect less from people who will be tied to each other “forever”? 

Why will it be okay for him to just be a good guy who loves God?

“Can two walk together unless they are agreed?”

Amos 3:3

While God made us all in his image and likeness, he also blessed us with different gifts, talents and temperaments.

Have you ever met two good people who struggle as a couple? I have and used to wonder why this was the case until God revealed this to me through one of my relationships. I met a good Christian man who seemed to love God and understood deep spiritual things yet my spirit said no even though my heart yearned for him.

I couldn’t understand why God would say no to this seemingly good man who “ticked the boxes”. When I finally obeyed God and let go(I will confess that it took sometime to do so), I realized what God had been teaching me all along. That was not the man he had for me and the fact that he was a good person was not the final criteria for God.

See, our heavenly father knows us better than we could ever know ourselves. After all, he was the one that fashioned us in our mother’s womb. He knows everything about us and more than that, he knows his plans for us.

 

Four ways to know he’s Mr. Wrong

One popular question I often hear is: how do I know if he’s the right one? I know many of us would want to know this, so here are a few ways to know that he is the wrong one for you.

1. If the relationship is taking you away from God

This for me is the most important way to know that he’s Mr. Wrong. Any man who wants to date and marry you must be leading you to God not away from God.

I’m very particular about this and for good reason.

Your relationship as a Christian woman has to mirror God’s plan. It has to bring glory to God. Which means there should be no fornication, cheating, lying and all the other things we fall into.

I know it will be hard and we will not always get it right but there has to be an intention to do right and confession when we do wrong.

Remember that popular verse that says wives should submit to their husbands? I’m sure you do. It says this because the husbands are supposed to be the spiritual head of the home so if your spiritual head is not leading you to God then where is he leading you?

“A man who will lead you to God and not to sin, is always worth the wait.”

Fritz Chery

You have to be willing to ask yourself if the relationship is bringing you to God or taking you away? Search your heart and answer this honestly. Also consider if it as a result of his actions or yours.

2. If there is no peace about the relationship

This is not the peace from the world but the peace that passes all understanding. The peace that comes from our Lord and father.

“Before you know it, a sense of God’s wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come and settle you down.”

Philippians 4:7(MSG)

Wow! Isn’t that amazing. The message version calls peace, God’s wholeness. I certainly want that type of peace. This is not about seeking perfection or not having issues in the relationship, it’s about a peace that comes in spite of the issues we face in relationships. I have often seen that when we are in the right relationships, we are able to surmount the problems that come our way, not in our own power but by the grace and peace which come from God.  It will not be easy but it will be possible.

 

3. If you keep trying to be someone else or pretend

If you’re pretending to be someone else to make him like you or fall in love with you then that’s a red flag.

I’m sure you’ve heard relationship advice that says we should do this or that to get and keep a man, even by Christian folks. I have been told to make an effort with my looks, to cook for him and to always check in on him to show my interest.

This is not to say we shouldn’t improve our lives and be better but it should be genuine. Don’t do it just so he likes you.

Let him know the type of person you are (and what he is getting himself into). This is so important.

Believe it or not, it can be devastating (and maybe grounds for divorce), when you find out that someone you thought you knew had been pretending and lying to you all along. We, lawyers, call this fraudulent misrepresentation.

4. When your spirit says no

This is more common than we think. Over the years, I have seen women in lukewarm relationships because there is a part of them that it reluctant to invest fully into the relationship.

This may be for a few reasons including heartbreak from past relationships or questionable relationship advice. It may also be because we know deep down that we shouldn’t be with this guy, even when he seems to be a great catch.

Somehow, our spirit is not willing to commit. Listen to this and take time to pray and seek clarity from God.

 

Actionable tips for the girl who is dating Mr. Wrong

Are you currently in a place where you are not sure you should pursue a relationship? Are you trying without success to know what God is saying about your relationship? Here are a few tips for you:

1. Pray continuously

Pray for clarity, for understanding for wisdom and for discernment.

2. Be open

Be ready to hear from God. Don’t box God into a corner, thinking that he will speak to you in a certain way. Let him speak to you as he chooses. Remember that his plans for you are for your good and you need to trust him and obey him.

3. Be ready to make the hard decisions

One major lesson I’ve learned is the need to make hard decisions. To let go when you heart and even your mind says you should remain. The best part about this was the peace I experienced when I finally let go. I didn’t mourn the relationship and I was back to my usual self within a few days. This further confirmed what God had told me.

So, are you ready to let go or would you still hold on from fear that you would never find anyone as good? I pray not.

Trust God to take care of you and give you that which he knows is right for you. I hope you also understand that God’s plan for you could also include getting married later or not at all. It might not be what you want but if God says it then know it’s for your good.

Reach out

Are you currently going through a phase where you’re not sure if he’s the one for you?

Do you need someone you can talk to, who understands what you’re going through and will not just say what you want to hear? Then please reach out to me.