It was the first day of class; I could feel the excitement in the air as we moved through the 200-seater auditorium, the whispers of young and hopeful students creating a pleasant hum around the room. I had been restless the night before, not knowing what to expect but knowing I had to excel. I looked around the class, trying to see if there was anyone like me when two words in the midst of white fleece stared back, it read, “peaceful hooligan”.
These were written on the back of his shirt. I couldn’t see his face but somehow I knew I was in trouble. I felt the prickles on my skin, electrified by just seeing him. I asked God why, I didn’t need the distraction, I couldn’t even believe this was happening on the first day, couldn’t even wait a week, a month or a year? I tried to focus on anything but him. When he finally turned and I saw his face I knew I was a goner. Why did he have to be tall, dark and handsome?
Over the frustrating months that followed, I tried not to stare but every plain on his face had already been captured in my minds eye. The way his eyes crinkle when he smiles, his slightly crooked front teeth and the warmth he exudes. He was many things but he was not to be mine.
Yes, that was my story from college. It was a mix of inebriation and frustration.
Have you ever been attracted to a man you knew was wrong for you? If you’re anything like me then you’ve probably had quite a few of such moments. It took a while to get over that crush and when I finally did, I couldn’t believe how much time I had wasted in day dreams and unmet expectations.
What about you? Are you currently in a bond of attraction, for a man you have no business with?
Accepting that he is the wrong one for you
Many times, admitting that someone is wrong for us is the hardest part but it is the first step to our freedom. I recently wrote about how to know that you’re dating Mr. Wrong. A post for those who are already dating and weren’t sure if they were with the right person. While writing that post, I realised that a few of us may find ourselves attracted to someone who is wrong for us. Though unsuitable, we find ourselves thinking about them and hoping for a change. Has this ever happened to you? If so, then read on.
I have some good news and bad news. Let’s start with the bad. Here it is: we will not always have control over those we are attracted to. In my case, I hadn’t even met this guy when the goosebumps crowded my arms and the butterflies had a field day in my belly.
The good news is that attractions can go away. Crushes are usually temporary, while we may not always control who we are attracted to, we can make sure we don’t indulge in it, especially when he is wrong for us.
Attraction is a “spark”, a heightened emotion we feel which makes us want to be with someone. There are a few theories about what causes attraction and you can read them here.
Since my days of young love and misguided crushes, I have learnt a few things that have helped me handle these feelings.
Four things to do when attracted to the wrong man
Here are a few things that can help you overcome feelings of attraction:
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Pray for strength and wisdom
If nothing else, I need you to know that you cannot do it on your own. An unwelcome attration is a distraction, a distraction from living the life God wants for you. So, we need to pray.
“We got to pray just to make it today”
MC Hammer’s (Lyrics from ‘Pray’).
These words were as true then as they are now. Due to the pull of our attraction, it’s pretty hard to get our mind and body to behave. Prayer is our medium to draw strength and not to succumb to the attraction. The devil will want to use everything he can to make us sin and this attraction, if not curtailed, will be a welcome fodder.
Our Lord and Saviour tells us to “…Pray that you will not fall into temptation.” Luke 22:40
Be encouraged: “God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble.” Psalm 46:1
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Set the right boundaries
Create boundaries for your sanity and to protect your heart. Depending on who this is, it may mean avoiding places where they are, if this is not possible (most likely in cases where they are a colleague, neighbor, church member or classmate), then create emotional boundaries. Limit your conversations or interactions to relevant issues or things that are absolutely necessary.
It has been said that when we lack boundaries we make room for abuse. Bryant McGill encourages us to “choose to be pro-active, assertive and self-defining.”
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Re-direct your thoughts
You may have heard the saying that what we feed is what we grow. If we spend time thinking about them, it will be harder to get over them. This is a simple but hard truth. Neither will forcing ourselves to stop thinking about them work. I’ve realised that this usually had the opposite effect. We should rather seek to redirect those thoughts.
In her book, Switch on Your Brain, Dr. Caroline Leaf sates that:
“As we think, we change the physical nature of our brain. As we consciously direct our thinking, we can wire out toxic patterns of thinking and replace them with healthy thoughts.”
Redirect it to something positive, productive and interesting. Subject such thoughts to the word of God and focus on:
“whatever is noble, whatever is right. What ever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.”
Philippians 4:8
Seek to use that time to do things you enjoy that also help you grow. For me, this could be cooking, reading a book, watching a movie or spending time with friends. Find out what yours is, this will make it harder to focus on him.
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Get an accountability partner
Share your struggles with a trusted friend or mentor. Don’t try to go it alone. Trying to overcome this yourself, may make it difficult to stop the harmful thoughts and actions. Speak to someone about this.
“Listen to counsel and accept discipline, that you may b wise the rest of your days.” Proverbs 19:20
Tell them to help you as you try to overcome the attraction and seek to move on with your life.
“Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing.”
1 Thessalonians 5:11
I hope these tips will help you overcome any struggles with handling your relationships with the opposite sex. Remember that attractions are normal and don’t mean you are a bad person, it is when we choose to indulge in them that we sin.
Have you ever been attracted to the wrong man? What did you do? Please share.
Thank you for sharing this wisdom! I love that you include Scriptures on which one can meditate instead of constantly thinking about this “wrong guy.”
Thanks a lot, Riani. Glad you found it helpful
May God continue to bless the good work you have been doing. I recently went through something like this and I did everything wrong at first but I then realised I wasn’t being true to myself. Once I got out of the way, it was easier to follow the other steps you mentioned.
Well done, Temitope. Thanks for sharing your story. It’s hard to acknowledge when we’re doing the wrong thing. Though that’s usually our first step to doing better.
Hi Chioma,
This is really insightful because for the first time in my life I started catching feelings for a friend of mine. See ehhh, I have never been that girl that likes a guy first… I am very slow with emotions and maybe a bit of pride ..lol…. but this one ehhh, took me unawares and its so annoying.
I haver tried putting the boundaries, but because we are friends, its just gonna be weird if I stop taking his calls and all. But I think I need to pray for wisdom and strength because I have been doing super woman with this one.
Thanks girl!!!
God Bless
and keep writing
Hello Adannaya, thanks for reaching out and sharing your story. It will definitely be weird but this will also depend on your friendship with him. May I ask, have you considered what may have caused the change in how you see him? Could it be that something happened: perhaps you saw something or heard something about him that made you consider him as more than a friend. Would love to know so we can figure this out. Keep praying for wisdom, Sis. That always helps.