Are you a married woman with single friends? Are you finding it hard to meet with them or do you find that your relationship is no longer like it used to be before you got married?
I do understand. Marriage will always change the dynamics of friendships that existed before. But should you shut out such friends or not try to develop these relationships?
I hope not.
This is a two-part series, which highlights how our marital status affects our friendships. This first part considers what the married woman should know about her single friend.
Part two of this series will look at what the single woman should know about her married friend. Sometimes, it’s hard to keep the fire of friendship burning but we do have to try.
A big way of doing this is to understand each other, better.
You may believe that your friend will always be accommodating and that you don’t have to do anything more to nourish the friendship. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work that way.
You may have said or done a few things that hurt your single friend, it may not have been your intention to do so but life happens and sometimes we make a mess of it.
The good news is that there is another way.
You need to get to know yourselves again especially with these new additions to your life – husband and kids.
You will also need to find out what makes your single friend tick and some of the considerations she expects from you.
Are you ready and willing to commit?
Here are five things you should know about your single friends
(culled from my experience and those of a few other single women I know):
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The fact that she is not married doesn’t mean she is always free or doesn’t have a lot of responsibilities.
Your life must be so busy, managing your work, your home, your husband and your children. You are definitely superwoman. But how about Lisa, your single friend who you think only has her work and home to worry about?
Do you ever think she should always be available or have some free time?
The truth is that we all have responsibilities and have to make the most of the time we have. Don’t forget that you are managing some of yours with the help of your spouse but she is doing most of the heavy lifting alone.
Be kind and considerate.
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She doesn’t need or want you to introduce her to every single man you know
Marriage can be a beautiful and blissful way of life. You have found love and all those tingly things and it only makes sense that you help every single friend you have, find similar bliss.
But don’t do it!
If you feel the urge to introduce your friend, do it in a thoughtful way. Don’t make her out to be desperate, or hook her up with someone you know she would never like. Also, think about how she feels about this before you do.
Basically, you should proceed with caution.
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She may choose not to babysit
She loves your kids, she really does but she may just not want to babysit and you should be willing to accept this. Some single women have mentioned that their conversations with married friends who have kids tend to tilt to requests to babysit.
A few that I know, myself included, wouldn’t mind babysitting but don’t want you thinking they always will.
Please don’t make them feel bad or guilty for rejecting your request to babysit and don’t play the godparent, aunt or best friend card here.
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She doesn’t always want to meet you at your place or with your husband and kids
Yes, you are very busy and may not have time to catch up for coffee or lunch at that fancy restaurant you both love.
You should also know that your single friend may not always want to meet with you at your place or when you are with your kids.
Try and consider how you would feel in her shoes. That usually helps.
Don’t forget that she is your friend and not your child or nanny. Please treat her with some respect and where you can, make out time to meet with her in a neutral and ‘drama’ free place.
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She doesn’t want to be shut out from your life. She cares for you and your family and will like to be involved, in the great and not so great moments
Many times, she doesn’t reach out because she is trying to give you space and not interfere. Deep down she is missing you and would love to spend some time with you.
She is still your friend and would like to be there for you in the great and not so great moments. Where you can, let her in. You may be surprised at the support and love you will receive from doing this.
What fuels your friendship?
From my experience, I have found that the biggest thing that affects our friendships is a lack of communication.
We have to make time for each other.
This doesn’t mean a call, text or visit is always required but if we truly want to build strong and lasting friendships, we need to let each other in.
We all need friends. Whether they are single or married and there is no law that says married women should only have married friends or vice versa.
What matters most is finding someone that truly understands us and loves us regardless of our foibles. We are all far from perfect and need to know that it is okay not to ‘have it all’ or ‘know it all’.
For the married woman, your spouse is paramount but there is always a place for your friend, even a single friend. We must nurture and grow our godly relationships ‘for there is a friend who sticks closer than a sister’. See Proverbs 18:24
“…a sweet friend refreshes the soul. Don’t leave your friends…”
Proverbs 27: 9-10
I’m sure there are a few other things we believe married women should know and remember about their single friends. Please share in the comments. Thank you.
You can read the second part of this series here(Five Things every Single Woman should know about her Married Friend).
Hi Chioma,
This a great list. Although I have been married for a long time, I was also single for a long time. I relate to both sides of this. When I was single, my married friends could never figure out why I was so busy and so uninterested in meeting with them and their children. I was in a different stage of life. Now that I am married (with a kid) I try to stay cognizant of my single friend’s perception and my married friends who are empty nesters perception.
Thank you for making this list and I am looking forward to reading the next part.
Hi Erica, thanks for sharing your story and for your kind words. It’s great to know your experience has helped you in interacting with your single and married friends.
I’m the single friend and I definitely appreciate this list and your perspective!
Hi Whit, thank you for your kind words. Are there other things you could add to the list?
Never saw it that way until now
Hi Andrea, thanks for your comment. Please, would you mind sharing how you used to see it?
Hmmm… Great insights! I might be guilty of the no. 2 on the list, but I never do it based on my single friends being desperate. In any case, the list is wonderfully on point.
Thank you so much, Chioma. Number 2 has always been a tricky one.
This is sooooo good! I am the single friend among many married friends. It can be really hard sometimes. It’s like the forgot what it was like to be us. I will say #2 is the complete opposite for me and my other single friends. None of our married friends help us out to meet people. We are all in our 30’s working so it can be hard to meet men. We have asked friends to hook us up, do a dinner night…anything to helps these sisters out. lol But nope too busy or they don’t even text back. I’ll blame mommy brain for that one. haha
I love this! Ever since I got married, I struggled with keeping my friendships thriving, and everything you listed makes complete sense, thank you for that! It’s the absolute truth that you are at two completely different life stages, and will have different responsibilities, and that’s okay. It takes time and energy on both ends to cultivate those relationships.
Sydney | meeklyloving.wordpress.com
Great post, Chioma! I’ve shared it on my page and via Twitter too. I have nothing to add, only to wonder how I am doing in the scale of things are your married friend. I know I have never tried to hook you up or pressure you… And with Babysitting, I only took you up on your offer. But it’s good to read your perspective on this 🙂
Well done, again!
Love, Ufuo.
Hi Sis, lol…you’ve been a fantastic friend and you are definitely doing great on that scale. I hope I am too. Thank you for your comments
the being mindful about babysitting is also a good rule to follow with married friends without children. I am married with no kids and always dislike when I was volunteered to babysit or every single activity that was spent with my friends had to involve kids.
This is a wonderful list of reminders about dealing with these kinds of friendships. I know I fell guilty of having my single friend come here mostly when I should have made an effort to meet other places.
Thank you, Crystal. Hope you will be willing to meet up with your friend, at other places.
Thoughtful, intelligent points, with grace, as ALWAYS!
I had to have a hard conversation with a good single friend once. She recommended that she keep our kids so we could go out for dinner. This was after she asked me if I was ok with her canceling our plans to chat while she went to see her significant other. I told her that our friendship was important at that moment. That the men in our life needed us to be friends. Husbands and boyfriends can’t ever understand the bond of two dear women friends.
Great list and reminder, thanks! Pinned to share with my other married friends 🙂
Thanks, Kathryn.Good to know.
Your pieces are always beautiful and intelligent !!! I pinned it to relationship board. <3
Thank you so much, Tammy. You have been amazing.
There is such a balance to stike in these types of relationships. Both parties need to realize that life is not the same for each other and give each other grace no love.
I agree, Anne. Thanks for sharing your perspective.
I think you have shared some great advice here. Once of my sisters, I have 3, is married with a little boy. The transition for the four of us has worked because of mutual undertanding and respect. If she needs one of us to babysit (which isn’t often) she will always try to be sure we are not feeling pressured; if we can’t we can’t, and she’s fine with that. It is the same with our sister times. If we can’t get together for whatever reason, there’s no hard feelings. We know we each have a life and responsiblities. I think the mutual respect in such friendships (blood sisters or chosen sisters) is key to maintaining and strengthening the relationship. Great post! Thanks for sharing 🙂
Hi Juanita, thanks a lot for sharing your story. I love that this transition has worked so well for you and your sisters. Mutual respect is absolutely critical in our relationships.
I relate to both sides of this story. It’s a fine balance and one we will take when the relationship is important to us. Thank you for this beautiful and insightful post … ❤
Hello Donna, thank you so much for your kind words. It’s definitely a fine balance. May God help us act from a place of love and respect.