Five qualities you need in your future husband

Relationships are important. You know this and have probably heard it countless times. But did you know that every single relationship we have requires some work? This is certainly true for romantic relationships. Though it is easier said than done.

While we want to have the best relationships, we may not always know how to achieve this or the sort of work that will be required.

If you’re anything like me then you’ve had those moments where you’re not sure of what to do, of the best way to communicate or if you’re even with the right person.

I believe one way to look at this is to articulate the sort of man you would want. I say this as someone who didn’t spend much time thinking about the sort of man I wanted to date and marry. If I saw a trait I liked, I would just wish my future husband would have it.

Did you do the same?

Within the religious context, we are often told to find good Christian men, but are there other things? How do we distill what good really means?

Will this good also translate to a good marriage? May be not. While marriage is an important earthly union, it goes beyond dreams of fairytale weddings and happily ever afters’ to the realities we don’t always see from the other side of the grass. These are the struggles, the heartache, anger, misunderstandings and pain.

This also shows that marriage goes beyond the husband and wife.

Your marriage is not really about you

Before you respond, hear me out. Every one of us was created by God for a purpose, this is our paramount reason for living. In summary, our purpose is to bring glory to God and to propagate his kingdom.

“For everything, absolutely everything, above and below, visible and invisible…everything got started in him and finds its purpose in him.”

Colossians 1:16(MSG)

This means that every aspect of our lives must reflect this purpose, notwithstanding if we are single or married. While marriage is a gift from God, it is fair to say that, like any other gift, it can be misused or mishandled. This could happen from marrying the wrong person or marrying at the wrong time.

Which means we should not be quick to settle for anyone but the one God has for us. Like everything else in our lives, God needs to be involved.

Are you willing to build a marriage that will be used for the propagation of God’s kingdom? If so, then here are a few qualities you should look out for in a potential spouse.

Five Qualities to look for in a potential spouse

These qualities may seem like high standards to some but if we remember how important and impactful marriages are, then we should not be willing to settle for less than God has for us.

1. He is a God loving Christian

This is the most important quality to look for and it sets the tone for every other trait.

You may be wondering why I included ‘God loving’ in this requirement. It’s simple, due to the adulteration of the word Christian, there’s a need to be specific.

Also, there are those that claim to love God but don’t associate with Christianity.

Without getting bogged down by nomenclature, I just need us to remember that we want a man who loves God and cherishes his word. This is a man who believes in the finished work of Christ and seeks to live his life like Christ intended.

“A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, nor can a bad tree bear good fruit…Therefore, by their fruits you will know them.”

Matthew 7:18,20(NKJV)

The Late Dr Myles Munroe once said that women should not marry a man who doesn’t know who he is but one who knows his purpose.

We should seek for a man who is spiritually aware of his identity in Christ and is walking in it.

2. He respects you and others

A friend recently told me that many men want wives that will respect them while women want men that will love and respect them. This is certainly true in the African context because of the heavy influences of culture and traditions. It points to one simple fact:

We all want to be respected and appreciated. Though, this is not an easy feat.

Respect here means having high regard for the other person.

Is he a man who respects your:

Thoughts

Values

Interests

Likes/dislikes

You should be mindful of how he treats you and others. Is he quick to deride or mock you? Does he highlight your mistakes, faults and imperfections? These are all red flags.

I remember a man I met a few years ago, through work. He was always quick to argue every point I made. It seemed like we were in competition which was so unnecessary and would have been toxic if we had dated.

 

3. He understands love 

Here’s the truth, I don’t believe we have any business getting into a “Christian” relationship/marriage if the man doesn’t understand love.

This is not just because it is our call as Christians: to love God and each other. It is more so because it is the divine responsibility of a husband to love his wife as Christ loves the church. See Ephesians 5:21-33

What does this love entail:

• sacrifice
• forgiveness
• kindness
• goodness
• spiritual covering

These traits may be difficult to notice early on, since it may be unfair to expect him to live like a husband when he’s not yet one.

However, our call to love goes beyond marriage. Every Christian is under a mandate to love. A love that bears all things, holds no record of wrongs, a love that gives, that supports, that blesses and protects.

This is not to say he must get it right. We are all imperfect and will get it wrong more times than not. However, there has to be a visible intention to do right.

4. He is humble and fair

In a world that still harbors high rates of gender discrimination and abuse, this one remains a big issue and is not often exhibited, even in Christian marriages.

We still see many men who are self entitled, who believe they are superior to women and plan to dominate the woman in a show of leadership/headship.

I often wonder why more isn’t said about this. Why have we allowed this when it goes against the grain of our Christian values and God’s expectations?

The Bible is filled with countless references to pride and humility. We are often told that God resists the proud and upholds the humble, yet ego and pride is often celebrated in our communities.

Growing up, I would often ask questions about marital roles and why certain husbands feel the need to enforce certain laws in their homes. I would be quickly reminded that such a person is a man and shouldn’t be questioned.

Basically, his actions are beyond reproach.

In fact, one of the common statements I’ve heard in marriage seminars is about how the woman should pander to the man’s pride, barely anything is said about the man taking control of his ego.

“Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves.”

Philippians 2:3

Now, this issue of pride remains a personal and sensitive area but for the purposes of dating and marriage, we should be considering if:

• he is able to accept when he’s wrong or at fault and does not pass the blame
• he is fine with sharing the burdens on the home and work front.
• doesn’t think he is superior to you as the man
• he understands that leading involves a lot of service
• he is willing to support your dreams even if it means you will excel or become more successful.

 

5. He is a friend

Is he someone you are free with and can talk to? Are you honest with each other and can share certain things without fear of condemnation?

“A sweet friendship refreshes the soul.”

Proverbs 27:9

Communication is key in every relationship as it is our way of transmitting our thoughts and desires from one to the other. More so, it becomes a powerful force when both of you are  open and honest with each other. So that you’re able to understand and help each other in the good and bad times for surely they will come.

“Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work; if one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up.”

Ecclesiastes 9:10

What about attraction?

You would have noticed that finding your potential spouse attractive is not one of the things listed here. While I understand the need to be attracted to the person you want to marry I also find that a prerequisite of attraction can do more harm than good.

Research has shown that our attraction to the opposite sex may stem from our chemical makeup (pheromones), our experiences and our environment. Even looking at your life, you may find that you are no longer attracted to men you were attracted to years ago. Remember your childhood crush? You probably feel nothing for him now.

Attraction is not always a reliable premise for a relationship since it is usually tied to our feelings(emotions) which can be fickle and temporary.

 

We can’t do it on our own

There you have it, five qualities of a godly man.

I know these traits will not always be evident at the initial stage but it helps to consider these qualities at various stages of the relationship. However, we can’t do it on our own.

It is only God that knows the heart of a man and he is also the only one who knows us better than we could ever know ourselves.

Which means we need the help of the Holy Spirit to be able to discern the truth and not be clouded by our expectations or the physical appearance.

We have to remain connected to him throughout this process, through prayer and meditating on his word.

 

What sort of person are you?

I usually tell those around me that marriage is a partnership. It’s about two people coming together to pursue their vision with the understanding that they are better working together than apart.

“Can two walk together unless they are agreed?”

Amos 3:3

This means that as women, we should continue to work and develop our character and life. These five qualities apply to us as much as the men. It will be wrong to expect these from the man if we don’t show similar attributes.

 

Contact me

Do you have any questions in these areas or require clarity, please reach out to me here.

Maybe you just need someone to talk to, I would love to hear from you