When it comes to unhealthy romantic relationships in the Bible, the first couple that comes to mind is often Samson and Delilah. I remember reading the story a few years ago and trying to understand how Samson could have been so delusional.
How do you keep telling yourself one thing when your reality is so different?
I was quick to condemn Samson’s actions until the Holy Spirit convicted me of many ways I had also acted in a delusional manner.
Times when I had told myself things I desperately wanted to believe even though my reality was different.
You can probably relate.
Like Samson, some of us have gone into relationships we had no business in, and even when there were clear signs of serious issues (and unhealthy practices), we stayed ‘hoping for the best.’
Well, I think it’s time we examined some of these statements in light of the truth of God’s word.
Five damning misconceptions about romantic relationships
Here are five common lies we tell ourselves when we are in or about to enter a new relationship.
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“He will change”
This is, perhaps, the biggest reason many of us get into or stay in unhealthy relationships. We simply believe that our boyfriend will change for the better.
We believe that the red flags we have seen will be resolved once we start courting or when we get married to them.
As many married women will tell you, this hardly ever happens. If anything, people are more likely to continue the same actions or even change for the worse.
We must remember that it is by the grace of God that people change, and we do not have the power to change anyone but ourselves.
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“Our differences don’t matter”
“Can two walk together unless they are agreed?”
(see Amos 3:3)
Agreement here is not about uniformity but about unity. It’s not about liking the same things but about realizing your differences, understanding your perspectives, and still going ahead with your relationship.
I believe the major problem with this belief is that when we are in a relationship with someone we really like, we are oblivious or just ignore certain things.
We don’t take time to reflect on how the differences will affect us and if it is something we are willing to live with, now and in the future.
We also tell ourselves that they will change to assuage any feelings of unease.
For example, if you’re a homebody looking to marry a man who loves to go out, and is always the life of the party, you have to take time to consider how his lifestyle will impact yours. Are you going to be fine being at home with the kids, years from now, while he is out raising the roof? Or do you expect he will stop ‘being himself’ when you start your family?
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“I can earn his love”
A few weeks ago, I wrote about the pressures and expectations on Christian women, especially Christian women leaders to keep their homes in the face of abuse and threatening behavior. Many of these women are told to do everything they can not to upset their spouses.
For some of us, we have heard these sorts of advice so much that we believe that we can earn another person’s love by bending backward for them.
We justify our actions with statements like:
“It’s all okay because God calls us to love unconditionally.”
Thereby forgetting that God did not call us to be people-pleasers but God pleasers.
“Obviously, I’m not trying to win the approval of people, but of God. If pleasing people were my goal, I would not be Christ’s servant.”
Galatians 1:10
We have been called to serve our Lord and Saviour, we are to be His hands and feet, even in our relationships. Our actions should not be determined by another, but by God.
“And whatever you do, do it heartily, as to the Lord and not to men,”
Colossians 3:23
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“I have invested so many years into this relationship, it’s too late to walk away.”
There is a psychological concept called the sunk cost fallacy.
This refers to an unwillingness to walk away from a failed or negative idea/situation because of the time or resources already invested.
The danger with this attitude is that it becomes a self-fulfilling loop, as the more time you spend, the less likely you are to leave.
The reality is that staying will not automatically make things better. If you are dating the wrong man, staying a few more years will not change that, it will only make it harder for you to accept the truth and change your situation.
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“I need to be in a relationship to be truly happy and fulfilled.”
Ah! I could spend all day on this one, but I won’t. ?
Here’s the thing – if we are being honest, we will acknowledge that the world’s idea of romance has done a number on us. We have fallen hook, line, and sinker, not for real love but for the rose-colored, butterfly swirling, happily-ever-after kind of love.
We want the whole shebang.
This makes it so difficult to live fully if we continually believe there is something missing. We forget an irrefutable truth:
True joy and fulfillment can only come in our relationship with God.
Everything else is temporary and a mirage of the real thing.
Marriage is a beautiful gift from God, but God gave us this gift as a snapshot of what is possible in our eternal relationship with him.
You can be happy and fulfilled right now. Don’t wait for a future event you’re not certain of to secure your happiness.
Conclusion
Have you ever made any of these statements?
Do you find that you have unconsciously acted based on these lies?
If you have, I pray that this post will remind you of God’s truth and change your perspective on relationships.
Thank God for his word which sets us free.
The Bible also reminds us that whom the Lord has set free is free indeed. So, walk in the freedom of God’s word knowing that you are worthy of love, and you can build and nurture healthy relationships without lies and deceptions.
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