Have you ever struggled in your friendships, ever tried to figure out how to grow strong friendships and nurture your adult friendships?
You probably have. We are often bombarded with pictures and movies that depict incredible friendships, and they make it seem easy but one thing you may have found is that friendships are not easy and great friends are hard to find.
Today, I want us to talk about a different area of friendships: how to be a kind friend as opposed to a nice friend. This may sound confusing, you may even wonder if there is a distinction, after all aren’t kindness and niceness the same thing?”
The quick answer is no and I will explain why.
Kindness is God’s standard, it is a character trait we are all supposed to exhibit as Christians while niceness is the world’s standard, we are told to be nice to others, at least up to a point.
Another incredible distinction is that our ability to be kind is not tied to the other person. Basically, we should be good and kind to others irrespective of how we are treated. But being nice is usually subject to the other party and who they are to you or how they treat you.
Society believes that if a person doesn’t treat you well, then you are free to ignore them or treat them similarly.
God’s word doesn’t support this. We are called to be kind to our enemies, to all who hurt or betray us. But this is a tough call.
If you’ve ever wondered what makes you a kind friend vis a vis a nice friend then read on to learn these four differences.
Four distinct qualities of a kind friend and differences between a kind friend and a nice friend
Here are four distinct qualities of a kind friend and how this differs from a nice friend
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A kind friend will tell you what you need to hear not what you want to hear
Kind friends make the best accountability partners. They understand that it is their duty as your friend to be honest with you. They will tell you what you need to know but a nice friend will say what you want to know.
A kind friend is not doing this because they want you sad and unhappy but because they realize that what you need is the truth not nice sounding words.
Nonetheless, a kind friend realizes that their words must be said in a loving manner, not in judgment but with wisdom and discernment.
As Christians, we are called to “listen to advice and accept discipline, and at the end you will be counted among the wise.” Proverbs 19:20
If this is so, whose advice would you rather listen to: that of a kind friend or of a nice friend??
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A kind friend wants you to be better not just happy
While your happiness is important, a kind friend understands it’s more important that you’re better as a person than that you’re happy. For one thing, happiness is subjective and can some times be unhealthy.
A kind friend will not want you to remain in unhealthy relationships, with men who treat you terribly even if you think you’re happy. They are the ones who will not let you have an extra scoop of ice cream or binge on all the wrong things.
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A kind friend will go the extra mile because your life is more important to them than your friendship
Ah!! This is one of the biggest differences. A kind friend is a true friend not one who is there for what they can get. A kind friend still loves you when you mess up, but they will call you out when you’re wrong. They will push you to be the best you can be even when you don’t believe in yourself.
And they will always be there for you, even when you don’t deserve it.
A kind friend is ready to help you reconcile with loved ones, build burned bridges even if it means you may never speak to them again. They realize that you living a better life trumps them playing things safe.
They want you to conquer the world and will help you get there, even if it’s with you kicking and screaming.
Jonathan risked his life on several occasions to save his friend, David. He knew David was the rightful king and he believed in David. See 1 Samuel 20:1-42, in verse 30, king Saul was so angry with Jonathan that he said:
“…You son of a perverse and rebellious woman! Don’t I know that you have sided with the son of Jesse to your own shame and to the shame of the mother who bore you?”
Jonathan defied his father and even his family to ensure his friend got all that he deserved.
The truth is a that “a friend loves at all times and a brother is born for a time of adversity.” Proverbs 17:17
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A nice friend is more interested in being liked so will be careful not to rock the friendship boat.
A nice friend is quick to agree with you, do what you want and keep the peace. For them, the friendship should be filled with lots of smiles and laughter.
They avoid certain topics that will cause friction and you may find that you never have deep and soulful conversations. Nice friends are afraid to share some of their deepest secrets lest you treat them differently. They are quick to exaggerate or underestimate things.
The friendship often remains at the surface level, you never know if they are telling you the truth and this makes it hard to trust them.
“One who has unreliable friends soon comes to ruin, but there is a friend who sticks closer than a brother.”
Proverbs 18:4
How to become a kind friend
And there you have it, four incredible qualities of a kind and true friend. So, do you have any kind friends? More importantly, have you been a kind friend or a nice friend?
“A man who has friends must himself be friendly.” Proverbs 18:24
Being a kind friend gives room to connect with kind friends. Which means we need to learn how to be better friends.
If you’re anything like me, then you’ve yoyo’d between being a kind friend and being a nice friend. One reason for this is because kindness takes so much out of us. It requires sacrifice and investing our time and resources into the friendship.
But, these are truly the best friendships. They are messy, filled with drama but also deep and beautiful.
We are told to “Share in each other’s burdens and in this way obey the law of Christ.” Galatians 6:2
The journey to becoming a kind friend starts with becoming a kind person. Pray for strength to be a better person, ask the Holy Spirit to help you grow this fruit of the spirit. Remember that it is a process and will not happen immediately.
All the best, friend.
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