Are You Motivated by Fear or Truth?

When you look back on your life, do you think you are often motivated by the right things? 

Can you honestly say your life is a continuous reflection of God’s truth?

I ask these questions because I wonder how much of our thoughts and actions are motivated by the right things.

As Christians, we are encouraged to check our thoughts and actions. The Bible says we should:

“Guard our hearts with all diligence for out of it flows the issues of life.”

Proverbs 4:23

In other words, the way we think and interpret things influences our actions, no matter how we may wish they didn’t.

So, how often do you check the source of your motivations?

I believe if we did this more often, we may be surprised by what we find.

In the times when I have done this, I have been surprised to find that my motivations were not always noble or right. They were usually from a place of fear, safety, comfort, shame, and envy. ??

How about you?

How do you think you would fare?

I decided to explore this topic as a result of some recent news. 

I was saddened to learn of the recent death of a well-known Nigerian gospel singer and felt worse when I learned the circumstances of her death. The report was that she had been beaten to death by her husband.
As more of the story unfolded, we learned that she had been physically abused by her husband on several occasions, even though they were ministers in the church. 

As my friend relayed these details on the phone, I could feel my heart beating faster, and blood rushing to my ears. I was mad.

While I didn’t know all the facts of the story, I was still mad because she was not the first and will likely not be the last victim of such fatal abuse in a Christian home.

 

The Power of Shame

I grew up with women being told to stay in abusive and dangerous situations. These women are often given potentially dangerous advice like pray and stay, and almost nothing is done to the men or abusers. 

Please know that I have nothing against prayer, it remains one of the most powerful means for change and transformation, but I think we often make a mockery of God’s word when these sorts of platitudes are thrown around and ascribed to every abuse situation. 

More so, I have also seen women, especially those in positions of leadership – Christian leadership – hide their pain out of shame and the fear of being judged or stigmatized. 

They seek to cover this cloak of shame with ‘virtuous’ action. 

They would rather pretend than tell the truth or seek help, thereby empowering the abuser (who obviously needs help, especially through the criminal justice system).

We often forget that we serve a God of justice, mercy, and truth. 

A God who will judge his people fairly. The Bible says:

“Lord, You have heard the desire of the humble; You will prepare their heart; You will cause Your ear to hear, to do justice to the fatherless and the oppressed, that the man of the earth may oppress no more.”

Psalm 10:17-18

We also have the Holy Spirit who is our advocate, our guide, and our counsel.

This means that we cannot use human wisdom nor seek to respond with some skewered and culturally influenced advice like – stay, pray for him, do all the things he likes so he will not be angry.

In such hostile situations, I believe it may be more effective to retreat(leave the situation albeit temporarily) to regroup and gain strength before we respond or defend. Nothing says our prayers will only be effective if we remain in an abusive situation.

I know standing for truth is one of the hardest things we can do in these situations.

Lifting our heads high, speaking up, asking for help, and just generally shaking off the cloak of shame and fear are some of the hardest things we can do. 

But this is the reality of what Christ did for us.

“For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.”

2 Timothy 1:7

He saved us so we no longer have to cower or believe that our experiences define us.

He saved us so we don’t remain in unbearable situations because we believe we are to blame or that that is all we deserve.

I will say this – it is only ever acceptable to remain in such situations if we are absolutely sure that is what God wants or how he wants to minister to us and the other person. If not, run for the hills, sister.

 

Advice for those in a relationship

As a Christian and a family lawyer, I will say this – if you are currently dating or are engaged and have noticed seeds of abuse and intimidation, address it.

Please do not stay hoping the person will change. You can pray for them or even suggest they seek help but don’t stay in the misguided belief that you will change them.

Only God can change people, and if he is not using you as an instrument of change, then vamoose. 

Please stop trying to play God or be anyone’s saviour. 

This is not only arrogant but dangerous. 

Even as I write this, please know that abuse is not as gender-specific as we may believe. Men can be and are also abused.

 

Concluding thoughts

I know we have touched on some deep and sensitive topics. I have also not addressed them as much as I would have liked to.

My prayer, for each of us, is that we receive the courage and discernment of the Holy Spirit to navigate every aspect of our lives. 

Research has shown that one of the biggest regrets people have on their deathbed is this:

“I wish I had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.”

 

I will modify this to ‘I wish I had the courage to live a life true to God’s word, not the life others expected of me.’

As you reflect on the above quote, I will leave you to ponder the following questions:

How often have we tried to put up a front for fear of what people will say?

How many times have we been more interested in how things seem to others than in the truth of our situation or circumstance?

Why do we allow shame and guilt to dictate our life decisions rather than God’s truth which sets us free?