Have you ever felt like your life were a rose bush without the roses?
You can see the potential for beautiful and colourful flowers but they are yet to bud.
Each year brings in more thorns than flowers.
This is one of the realities of being single.
We are reminded of one thing that has eluded us – marriage. We get the sense that we have not budded because we are not yet married.
But is this really the case?
Recently, I shared a list of things that happen or are said to single women and was surprised to see a number of women(and men) concur with these things. While this confirms that we are not alone, it also confirms that there are a lot of myths attached to singleness.
If you’re a single woman or you were once single (which I guess is every married woman), you may find quite a few things that are similar to your own experience.
I will add that a fair number of these experiences are particular to those of us in conservative environments, Americans from the south and some Africans, Nigerians in my case.
30 things that happen to single Christian women
Here is a list of things that single women have had to face/experience because of their marital status.
How many of these have you experienced? Tell us in the comments.
- When your family organises an anointing and prayer service to deliver you from your singleness (yes, you read that right).
- When everyone thinks you’re not married because you’re too “picky”. They remind you that your biological clock is ticking and you need to find your man, quickly.
- When everyone including your boss and the woman who visits your neighbour feel it is within their rights to question your single status.
- When all your married friends believe it is their job to find you a boyfriend despite your pleas, protests and ‘assurances’.
- When your achievements are summed up in one sentence “are you married?”
- Where church events for singles turn out to be secret speed dating gigs. It’s more about getting matched than about growing in the spirit.
- Where your ex and guys who you don’t want to date believe they now have a chance since you’re still unmarried.
- When the market trader tells you to buy her wares with the money from your husband. You wonder why she assumes you’re married but you’re too tired to ask.
- People seem to be quick to add Mrs. when you introduce yourself and you have to keep telling them it’s Miss. You finally let go and accept the “elevated” title.
- When you get one invite to events but your married friends get two. Single doesn’t mean alone. Don’t our friends and family count?
- When people assume you’re always free and expect you to volunteer and chip in all the time.
- Prayers that you marry a good man follow every good deed you do. Is that all we need in life – a good man? We need to encourage them to pray about other things too.
- When you’re bombarded with unsolicited dating advice. No matter where you go, there will always be that one person who knows what will change the tide for you.
- When your Aunty has a special prayer list for all her unmarried nieces and nephews and you’re high up on that list.
- When you’re told: “All men cheat, marry him if he likes you and can provide for you and your children.” Thank God this is not true.
- They also tell you that: “Good men are very scarce, just marry, you can change him and improve things later.” And remind you that your [uncle, brother, sister, cousin, friend] was not that great when they met them.
- They ask you why you are being so selective, while reminding you of the dire statistics of women to men. Is it really 7 women to one man?! They must have a different version of world records.
- Their dating advice to you is to “remember to cook, clean and take care of him. The way to nab a husband is to show that you can be a good wife.”
- In mock surprise, you’re asked “So, he wants to have sex before marriage? Why is this an issue? If that’s what he wants then give it to him, it shows you’re invested and don’t worry, God will understand.”
- When you’re insulted, disregarded and discredited under the guise of meaning well.
- When the same person who tells you about a broken marriage asks you why you’re not yet married.
- There are whispers around and questions about your sexuality. “Hmm, maybe she’s gay. Why else would she still be single?
- Your mental state is continuously questioned until they finally conclude that you must be a terrible person.
- You avoid certain friends and family because you know your single status will always take centre stage.
- Your married friends’ lives become a sitcom you watch with horror, awe and resignation.
- Every young man you meet is automatically graded on his “marriageability”. You’re now worse than the marriage interlopers.
- They tell you to socialize, to go out more but all you’re thinking about is your bed and the need to remain in your cocoon
- Mums are out with their guns blazing. They tell you: “this year will be your year! Your marriage will not go beyond this year” and you quickly respond with a loud AMEN, lest they say it’s your fault, you’re still unmarried.
- When you’re told to hold off on some of your dreams until you’re married. “You don’t want to scare the men away, right?”
Who should I listen to?
You may have been told many of these things in the past and perhaps, your life as single woman has been tough and fraught with fears and loneliness. May I encourage you to focus on God and what he says about you.
He says you are his daughter, that he loves you with an everlasting love and he will give you all that you need when you need it. Focus on Him and let go of the lies and hurtful things that have been said to you.
What’s your story?
There you have it, 30 things that have happened to quite a number of women. I think I have experienced about 80% of these things and there are so many more. Please share your experiences from life as a single woman.
Thank you.
Thandiwe says
I am the only child to my mom, she and grandma are always complaining that I dont have a boyfriend and am not doing anything to grow the family since am alone ?
Chioma says
Hello Thandiwe,
Sorry to hear that. I pray you remain strong and you don’t allow their words force you into a relationship. Please be encouraged knowing we are all in this together and our wonderful father will provide all that we need right when we need it.
Love,
Chioma
Steph says
Currently working on moving to a different country to work, I was elated to tell my mom about my plans, but the first thing she said was, hope you know you will not travel anywhere without getting married. I was dumbfounded.
I know she means well for me, but what if marriage is not happening, am I not entitled to pursue my career in the meantime?!
Chioma says
Hi Steph, thanks for sharing your story. I can totally relate.
You can certainly make the most of your life with or without marriage.
What I’ve found, though is that many of those in the older generation don’t have this grounding. Most of our parents grew up in a time when marriage was the most important “accomplishment” and it’s hard for many of them to do away with these notions especially when they are also looking to have grandkids.
May I suggest you give her some grace, but remain resolute in what you believe you need to do and where possible, explain your reasons in truth and love.
Kayalecia says
My mom is disappointed because my younger sister (in her 20s just got engaged). She thinks I’m too picky and blunt, which is a turn off for guys.
She constantly tell guys to approach me with caution, because I am way pass assertive. My entire question me when we have a family gathering about my plans for a baby and a husband. Nobody has ever asked me if I want to get married or have a child. It gets to the point where I feel like I’m being pressured into something and I rebelling will be the result. I feel like giving them what they don’t want.
Chioma says
Hi Kayalecia, so sorry you’re going through all of these. Please don’t give in, I know the pressure is getting to you but please remember you’re not alone in this.
Marriage is to important a decision to rush into or be forced into. You’re the one that will have to live with the man not your mum or aunties. Don’t let anyone confuse you.
Please reach out to me via the contact and above all else, speak to your loving God. Ask him for strength to persevere and for patience with your family. Please hold fast to God’s word and remember that he will never leave nor forsake you.
Miranda says
I am 35 and have been single all my life. I don’t want to have children and my mother told me that God may not give me a husband because I don’t want children. That must have been the meanest thing she ever said to me.
Chioma says
Hi Miranda, so sorry about that. I hope you’re able to forgive her. I’ve realised not everyone will understand our decisions especially when it’s not usual. May God continue to strengthen us and help us live for him.
Maria J says
I got married for the first time at age 40. I am now 51, and we celebrated our 11th wedding anniversary. No kids.
I have dreams at night that I go to church singles events, meet some fun 30-somethings, everyone is going to happy hour at Stanford’s. Then I look up and see “singles only.” One of the single people says “your married, time to go home now. ” Seriously, ladies, I told my husband I’m going back to church and meetup groups. When you get married, it gets safe, you take less risks. Don’t let go of your single friends, or church social events, you’ll miss them. I do.
Esther says
Hello Chioma,
I recently turned 36 and some of the exes who told me point blank they would not marry me tend to come back saying we should be friends but looking for FWB.
Even married men will tell me to date them until I find someone. It makes me angry and sad at the same time …. I honestly did not think I will be single and alone at this time in my life…..
Its quite difficult been alone but I have been able to develop myself and keep exploring…./.
I truly pray the right Man comes along soon. But till then, I strive to be a better version of myself.
Jennifer Smith says
Nothing wrong with being gay, I am a happy lesbian of the Lord in an amazing (but celibate) relationship with another christian lesbian. I pray you all find a relationship as amazing as mine
Anonymous says
Homosexuality is a sin and will take you to hell fire. This is the sole reason God destroyed Sodom and Gomorrah I’m the bible.Please repent.
Chioma says
Hello, Efe. While I appreciate people sharing their thoughts and opinions here, I also prefer that they do so in love and in truth.
Your statement is factually incorrect. Homosexuality was not the sole reason for the destruction of S&G. Please go back to the word of God.
Harma says
Single. I have the say… forever.
I actually never get any of this.
Took care of my clock at 38.
Free and clear.
elf says
i’m an older adult single. after yrs in the church alone, i go online. i found a cxhurch where i am accepted.
the church didn’t even help me when i had a heart event. suffered p t s d alone. i ‘m use to it. always haveen alone.
church is not for older single adults. we don’t fit in the programs. we are called upon to clean up and stuff.
o\ne woman told me to get a dog. i will and its good, but is it wrong to want fell0owship?
i need to move on, i have spent yrs in church nothing but lonely.
the church needs not to forget the lonely at their back door! also no one preches on 1 cor:7 -7-8.