10 Signs of an Unhealthy Relationship

Have you ever considered the things that make a relationship healthy?

Do you ever lookout for signs of an unhealthy relationship?

But before we get to these, let’s start from the beginning:

What was your vision of romance, growing up? 

Perhaps, like me, you grew up on harlequin novels and hallmark movies; those gave us a picturesque view of love and romance.

As a teen, I was preoccupied with thoughts of a tall, dark, and handsome prince sweeping me off my feet.

I was often focused on the externals, how he looked, dressed, and talked and this would inform my decisions to date.

I remember a time when I had an internal boyfriend scale where I would check off each guy I met according to an impossible and idealistic standard. If he didn’t fit, he was invariably ignored. Imagine the friendships I must have missed because of this.

Sometimes, I wonder how much damage these fairytales did in my life and the life of so many other women.

How these idealistic stories affected our sense of worth and love?

Especially where the focus of such stories often revolved around the heroine dating or getting married.

It made it seem like all that mattered was to date and get married.

It was normal back then to daydream about our wedding day, browse through wedding dress sites and pick out wedding colors.

This turned the focus to getting into and keeping a relationship, sometimes going to extremes just to make sure we get the ring.

This may have led to unhealthy relationships, where we date men we have no business with just for the sake of having someone, of feeling loved and wanted.

Over the last few years, I have seen and met women who have been abused and denigrated by the person they were with. Women who have remained in such relationships believing that it was better to be in one (even when they are mistreated) than to be alone.

And this breaks my heart.

It breaks my heart to see us reduce our self-worth, the value God has placed on every single one of us – his daughters – because we want to have a boyfriend or a husband.

And sometimes, these sorts of relationships creep up upon us.

They are a reflection of our fears and anxieties.

See, the devil will always take advantage of our weaknesses. He will amplify our fears and use them against us.

Have you ever dated out of fear?

Perhaps, you have a fear that no one loves you or you’re getting too old and out of options.

For some of us, the marriage of our parents heightened our fears making us believe relationships are something to be endured. Something to accept no matter how bad it may get.

This mindset will often define our relationships consciously and unconsciously.

Do you need to get accountability and support with your relationships? Sign up here.

 

Knowing the Signs of an unhealthy relationship

There are a few red flags that can help you determine if you are in an unhealthy relationship or about to get into one.

Please note that many of these depend on the person, in question. These are a guide and cannot take the place of seeking the help of the Holy Spirit.

The points below relate only to relationships and not marriages, as we can’t walk out on a marriage. If you are having issues in your marriage or about to get married, please reach out to me directly, here.

10 Sneaky Signs of an Unhealthy Relationship

Here are ten signs of an unhealthy relationship. We should watch out for each of these signs in our current and future relationships.

When love is used as a weapon of intimidation and control.

Love is not selfish.

If anyone uses this as an ultimatum or a way to get you to do something you don’t want to do then you should be wary of such a relationship.

I once dated a guy who would tell me that I didn’t love him or care for him because I refused to be intimate with him. This happened continuously until I finally gave in. It remains one of the biggest mistakes of my life. I wish I had walked away from the pressures but at that time, I allowed his words to sip into my heart, I thought of the possibility of him leaving me and even told myself I was being too prudish.

Sis, there is a reason why scripture tells us to ‘guard our hearts with all diligence for out of it flows the issues of life.’ It knows how the issues of life can affect us and how we can change who we are by what we continually see and hear.

Be careful!!

“Love must be sincere; hate what is evil and cling to what is good.” Romans 12:9

When you see the red flags but still go ahead because you believe you can change him

Did you get into the relationship thinking you will be able to change him? Unfortunately, this is more common than we had like to admit. Maybe there’s something in our make up as women that makes us believe we can “cure” and “redeem” people. My friend says this stems from the woman’s role as the nurturer.

Whatever the case may be, we need to realize that we do not have the power to change anyone and getting into a relationship on the premise of changing a person is not only dangerous but futile.

It is only God that can change a person and even then, he will not force them. 

I know it is hard to let go especially if you think he is the one but for one or two things that can change. Maybe he is a nice guy but not Christian and you want him to give his life to Christ. Or maybe he is Christian but doesn’t have a close relationship with God.

You can choose to help him as friends but don’t get into a relationship or a marriage with an expectation that they will change. Sometimes, people don’t change and even when they do, they may change for the worse.

When you believe or they make you believe their happiness depends on you

Has he told you that ‘you complete him?’ that without you he cannot be happy?

Perhaps, he truly believes this but this is also a huge burden for any of us to bear. For one thing, happiness is a choice, a personal choice. We cannot put it on another person.

Happiness is defined as a “state of well-being and contentment” (Merriam Webster). He is the author of his happiness, not you. More so, it is only God that can complete us no human being has that power.

Don’t fall for nice-sounding words that mean nothing.

I say this because there is always that part of us that wants to know that someone finds us irresistible and can’t live without us.

Just know that he can live without you, after all when he was born, you were not there.

When you put this person first, before God and everything else. 

What place does your relationship take in your life? Has this guy become the most important thing to you?

Perhaps, that’s all you think of – while you’re at work, at home, eating, shitting, and bathing. And books and mass media further exacerbate this.

Books like 50 Shades of Grey give an idealistic view of what was a very unhealthy relationship. Self-harm is often romanticized and love is equated to making your life revolve around one person.

You may have noted that you always want to be around them. You even stalk them and are constantly checking in.

But is this a relationship or idol worship?

An idol is defined as “an object of extreme devotion”(Merriam Webster). In Exodus 20, God gave the Israelites certain commandments to live by. The first two were:

“You must not have any other god but me. You must not make for yourself an idol of any kind or an image of anything in the heavens or on the earth or in the sea.” Exodus 20:3-4

 

 

When you’ve tied your identity and self-worth to the success of the relationship.

Maybe you’ve used the health of your relationship to determine your worth. So when things are going well between both of you, you’re happy and feel worthy and when things are not, you feel inadequate and blame yourself for everything.

Perhaps, you have used your relationship as a status symbol. And you are always quick to talk about it to everyone, often exaggerating your boyfriend’s actions to make others envious and jealous.

When you’re always fearful

Do you have nightmares that he will leave you?

Do you often feel like you are walking on eggshells, trying to be the perfect girlfriend even though you think that the littlest thing will unravel your relationship?

This also speaks to a deeper issue of anxiety and fear.

 

 

Where there are visible signs of abuse

A defining trait of an unhealthy relationship is one where there is abuse. There are various forms is abuse: physical, emotional, sexual, and psychological. Some of the reasons already mentioned above may also fall into one of these categories of abuse.

I would like us to dwell on physical and emotional abuse as these are the most common forms.

According to the United States National Coalition Against Domestic Violence, 1 in 3 women has experienced some form of physical violence by an intimate partner. You would also find similar statistics in other parts of the world.

Abuse is real and pervasive.

Perhaps, you’ve been in an abusive relationship or you’re currently in one. You are probably wondering how things got this bad or why you can’t seem to leave.

Sis, there is help available to you. Please reach out.

And for anyone who has noticed some signs, please don’t ignore them. If he hit you once, he will likely hit you again. If he often insults you and puts you down, he will likely continue. Abusers are often predictive but also erratic, which means their reasons for abuse can be anything or nothing.

 

 

Where both of you continue to indulge in sexual intimacy

Nothing clouds our judgment like sex.

This is particularly so in our current generation, where sex outside of marriage is excused on the premise that God will understand and sex is a natural and expected part of life.

But God had a glorious design for sex, which He knew should be expressed in marriage.

Sexual intimacy bonds us to a person both physically and emotionally. Ever wondered why the Bible says, “That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.” Genesis 2:24

One flesh refers to the intimate joining of a man and woman. God created our anatomy in a manner where a man and woman can be joined physically. And during this process, each leaves a bit of themselves in the other. Okay, this is graphic…Lol.

But sexual intimacy before marriage is not just another sin; it has dire consequences to our emotional and physical health.

Also, once sex is involved it’s harder for a couple to focus on other matters, to learn more about themselves, without the physical intimacy. As Christian singles, sex is a no-no for us. I believe it is God’s way of protecting our hearts and minds until the right time (marriage).

In Song of Songs, the writer warns the Daughters of Jerusalem (and by extension us) thus:

“I adjure you, O daughters of Jerusalem, that you not stir up or awaken love until it pleases.”

Songs of Solomon 8:4(ESV)

There is a time and a season for sex and it is firmly enshrouded in the marriage covenant. Sex outside of marriage will only breed an unhealthy relationship.

Do you need accountability and support with your relationships? Please reach out here!

 

 

When you have no independent thoughts or interests 

There will always be a difference between unity and uniformity. The former presents a united front in spite of differences while the latter is about sameness. We were not called to be like others but to flourish and work together because of our uniqueness.

Do you often change who you are to fit into the interests and preferences of your boyfriend? Are you quick to let him make decisions for you and even think for you? We must first learn to be independent (in God) before we are can be interdependent with another.

 

Where your relationship takes you away from God

This is certainly the biggest red flag but can happen so gradually that we may not even realize how bad things have gone.

I remember a story about a lady who was dating a guy who took great care of her. He would always check in, lavish gifts on her and all that.

But there was a curious thing he would usually do; he would often organize trips and outings on days she would have gone to church or other Christian events. He was so enmeshed in her life that she barely had time for personal prayers or Bible study. It took her a long while to realize what was going on because he had been good to her in every other way.

Sis, when the Bible tells us not to be “unequally yoked with unbelievers” it wasn’t just a call for Christians to be segregated but a call to understand that our relationship with God can suffer if we make connections that are not Christ-centered.

God wants us to be His light and salt on this earth but we have to be pointing others to him.

When we get into a relationship with an unbeliever or lackluster Christian we may find that rather than bringing them to God, they are the ones taking us away. This is especially so when we are not centered in God.

Our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ admonishes us to

“Seek the Kingdome of God above all else, and live righteously, and he will give you everything you need.”

Mathew 6:33(NLT)

 

How do I handle an unhealthy relationship?

Reading through these 10 signs, you may have noticed a few things:

Some of the red flags are internal while some are external.

Internal, in this case, refer to our own conditioning.

How our mindset, perspectives, and experiences affect the relationship.

A few of us may have been told that our essence, our purpose can only be fully acknowledged when we become a wife and mother. I remember an aunt saying something similar to me. With this mindset, it’s understandable why some women would rather stay in a bad relationship than no relationship.

This is why some of us will continue in the relationship even when we are being abused and ridiculed.

And this speaks to one integral thing – understanding our identity.

Do you need accountability and support with your relationships? Please reach out here!

We need to revisit our thoughts and beliefs about ourselves and about marriage, I ask some pertinent questions in this post.

We need to realize that it is only God that can complete us and fill the deepest longing of our hearts. It was Christ who came into this world to give us abundant life.

Like he told the woman at the well, he is also telling us today that:

“…whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life.”

John 4:13

Perhaps you are about to get into a relationship you have no business in or you’re already in one. I ask these of you:

 

Pray –

Pray for wisdom and direction, ask God for help as you navigate an unhealthy relationship. Ask the Holy Spirit to reveal anything you may have missed.

Pray for strength to walk away from any relationship you have no business in.

Pray for your partner, ask God to help them come to the knowledge of him, ask God to open their eyes to the truth.

 

Act –

Act on the revelation you’ve received. Some of us are in relationships where we have no peace, relationships where we keep wondering why we are even there. Please note that there is a difference between problems with a relationship and problems in the relationship.

The latter refers to the normal friction in interpersonal relationships. There are no perfect relationships. Even those who love God will often have arguments and areas of difference.

While problems with the relationships speak to the foundation of the relationship. It speaks to the character and beliefs you both have, it speaks to non-negotiables such as love for God, how he treats you or you treat him amongst others.

 

Be accountable –

Do you believe you’re not strong enough to walk away or to do what you believe God wants of you? Then you can speak to a mature Christian who can hold you accountable.

 

For more on relationships, please read these:

How to build a Christ-centered relationship

What you should do when he wants sex before marriage

Five Character traits of a godly man

How to know he is Mr. Wrong

Questions to ask before you get married