10 Questions to ask before you say ‘I DO’

Have you ever considered what it takes to prepare for marriage?

I’m not talking about the big, fancy wedding, but about spending the rest of your life with someone.

Most of us will agree that getting married is one of the biggest decisions we will ever make, yet there are many couples who go in unprepared.

One way to prepare is to ask the hard but necessary questions while still dating.  However, couples often shy away from these because of:

• Fear of rocking the boat
• Awkward/uncomfortable subjects such as money, sex, and extended family interactions
• Too focused on attraction and sexual chemistry.

Sadly, not talking about these things before marriage can lead to heated arguments, mistrust, and even the breakdown of the marriage.

While I am not promising a problem-free marriage when you discuss these things, I do know that open and honest communication can help us build healthy and respectful relationships.

This is why I have listed below, 10 questions you should ask as you prepare for this new chapter of your life. 

10 Questions to consider before tying the knot

1. Why do I want to get married?

The ‘why’ question is foundational, it’s about your reasons. It also helps you build conviction and commitment long after the butterflies and the honeymoon period.

According to Gary Thomas, “asking and settling the “why” question first will set you up to make a wise choice about the “who”.”

The Sacred Search

So, why do you want to get married? I have written more about this here and here.

 

2. What kind of marriage do I want?

Have you ever taken the time to consider what your married life will look like? Do you know what sort of wife and mother you want to be?  How about how to navigate and reflect your faith in this season of life?

Here is a beautiful snapshot:

“I want you to have a spiritually enriching marriage…facing all seasons of life together, praying together, raising kids together, serving the Lord together, having fun, having sex, suffering heartaches and heartbreaks, overcoming setbacks, and learning to deal with disappointments, growing together through all of them…”

Gary Thomas, The Sacred Search

 

3. Is he god-fearing?

This seems like a no-brainer, but I also believe it is relative. Unless God is telling you otherwise, you should stick to a fellow Christian. More so, it’s important to discuss the spiritual things and get a sense of his relationship with God.

I don’t think church attendance should be a yardstick- but that’s my opinion. I believe by their fruits you will know them. Here are some posts to guide you.

 

4. How does he handle the following

• • Money – Studies have shown that money remains one of the major reasons for divorces. Even the Bible reminds us that the ‘love of money is the root of all evil.’ Don’t be afraid to have money conversations. This includes his money goals, and his attitude to saving, spending, investing, and charitable giving.
  • Interactions with others – How is he around other people; respectful, timid, quiet, etc.
  • Career and lifestyle decisions – what are his goals for the future? Nothing says he must have this all figured out, but you do want him to understand hard work and diligence.

5. Do I know his strengths and weaknesses and am I fine with these?

I recently created a fun couples’ test called LAWS, which stands for:

L – Love language

A – Attitude/personality

W – Weaknesses

S – Strengths

The idea is for each of you to list your LAWS, share them with each other, and discuss them in a loving and non-judgmental way.

 

6. What if we are unable to have biological children (is he open to adoption, surrogacy, or just loving on other people’s kids)?

My prayer for you is that you will be fruitful and bear children. But we know that this is not always the case. More and more couples have fertility challenges. It will be good to discuss how you will both handle this if it were to occur.

This is not a lack of faith, but rather a belief that no matter what, you will both be fine.

 

7. What are his thoughts on fatherhood?

What kind of father does he want to be?

I know a fellow blogger and author who has written extensively about women with father wounds. I think we often downplay the impact of not having committed and present parents. I do understand that there may be seasons where being present may be difficult, but my prayer is for a man who will make time for his family and steward them under the leadership of the Holy Spirit.

What about you?

 

8. What will be our roles and responsibilities?

This is a tricky one.

Firstly, couples should do what works for them. You need to talk to each other to learn what this is.

Some ideas: Does he expect me to be the carer and he the financial provider? Is he willing to share chores at home while I also help with our financial needs? Is he open to even discussing these things?

 

9. How do we handle disagreements and issues?

I imagine that you guys have had a few disagreements. How did you handle these – who instigated it and who was the first to apologize? What about future disagreements?

This is another area where you do what works for both of you.

For instance, I have heard of couples who:

• • Don’t go to bed angry at each other.
  • Hug it out (helps them remember their vows and makes it easier to forgive)
  • Kiss before bed, no matter what
  • Talk things through after they’ve calmed down (mostly in a public place to avoid it escalating)

You can try one (or all) of these or create your own way of handling issues.

 

10. Am I trying to make this relationship work because of the time invested, my attraction to him, or because we both know it’s a good match?

Please do not stay in a relationship because you believe you have already invested too much time and resources in it, or simply because your sexual chemistry is off the charts.

I know of couples who dated for years but couldn’t last a year when they got married.

Go back to your why and find out your reason for staying in the relationship.

Your Marriage is only the means to an end not the end

Yes, getting married is an exciting chapter in one’s life, but there is a tendency to romanticize this with too much focus on the wedding and not enough on the day-to-day realities of sharing our lives with another person.

Marriage is also a gift from God, and he must remain paramount as we chart this new course.

My prayer for you is that you remain centered on the One who loves you more than life, and you allow him to lead and direct you.

Amen.