I had decided not to write anything for Valentine’s Day but kept getting this niggling feeling to say something. No, not just anything but to speak to the heart of every single woman in need of love and acceptance.
As a single Christian woman, I have had my fair share of pressure and unfair expectations some of these include:
- The constant questions about my singleness.
- Doubts about my Christian values and faith in God.
- And the fears that maybe it’s all my fault.
If you’re anything like me then you must have experienced these things at one time or the other. These may have made you upset, angry or even led to you going on dates to avoid being alone or being reminded of your single status by your ever-ticking biological clock.
I need you to know you will be fine. These feelings are normal and you’re definitely not alone.
But the fact that these feelings are normal doesn’t mean we should wallow or jeopardize our peace and trust in God.
We can’t let that happen no matter how hard it may be, no matter how lonely we feel, no matter how many aunties, uncles and friends have questioned our single status.
We have to realize that love is selfless! It’s not borne from fear, from shame or from desperation.
We have to realize that love is selfless! It’s not borne our of fear, or shame or desperation
True Love for the Single woman in need of love
I need you to know there is only one kind of love that matters and we need to be deeply rooted in this love. That is the only way we can flourish at times like this and in every season of our lives.
It is this love that gives us peace when our hearts are troubled. This love allows us to celebrate and be happy for others and turns down feelings of envy, inadequacy or unhealthy comparisons.
“Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails.”
I know it seems easier said than done. I know you have heard these things before and probably say it to yourself but the are the constant springs we need in our well of life.
The four truths to remember in our search for love
Even as we navigate life as single women, I pray you remember these four things to refocus your mind and heart on the things that matter.
- Who determines your worth?
In a world that defines singleness in unflattering terms, it can be easy to allow these definitions determine our worth and significance. Unfortunately, some of these lies have also filtered into the church.
But here is an incontrovertible truth: you are enough! Not because of your physical appearance, your intellect, your virginity, your bank account, the church you attend or even your life but because of the God who told us on the cross that ‘it is finished’.
He gave us a new identity and a rebirth and there’s nothing anyone can do about this. They may question you, ridicule you or scare you into something you’re not but I need you to remember that you are enough. You are the daughter of the Most-High God and you matter to him. Never forget that!
“He saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of his mercy. He saved us through the washing of rebirth and renewal of the Holy Spirit.”
Don’t wait, live
You’ve probably heard this quote that ‘he who finds a wife, finds a good thing’ and it’s true. Proverbs 18:22
But somehow, this has been turned into a waiting game where Christian women wait patiently for the men to find us.
Being found doesn’t mean you should put your life on hold, or you should be like someone else. It is not a stationary state if so, the phrase would have been changed to ‘being seen’.
The idea of searching presupposes that you are actually living life.
Now, I’m not saying living intentionally will ensure you’re found and that you get married. Not at all. I am advocating that you live your life regardless of whether there is a man searching for you or not. God didn’t promise us marriage but he did say his plans for us are for good and will not harm us but give us a future and a hope. Jeremiah 29:11
A blogger friend, Summer, shares a candid post about being a single woman in living and not in waiting. I hope you get to read it and are encouraged.
It’s not about one day or a season
There’s one thing I do often but probably shouldn’t; I’m a theorist and conduct independent studies in my head. Yes, you get a post and a confession, too.
So, as an independent theorist, I make certain assumptions, while I’m usually right I do realise that I can’t quote my source or data as my head or heart. I promise, I’m getting somewhere.
I believe that Valentine’s Day has probably caused more harm than good and has led to more people losing their virginity or having unplanned sexual intercourse than any other day in the year.
You may agree with me but the question is why? Why have so many people decided to settle for less than they are worth just to be amongst the chosen ones? Especially Christian men and women who should know better. Why are we being led by the world rather than setting the standards?
I remember getting asked every Valentine’s Day if I had someone or I was expecting anything. I would usually respond with an affirmative no. However, one particular year, I received a few gifts and this made me popular, happy but also uneasy at work. I was uneasy because I knew I wouldn’t be dating either of these men yet to my friends and colleagues all that mattered were the gifts.
These days, we surreptitiously praise women with suitors not carrying the sort of men they are and ignore the women who have none, even if they had decided against dating the wrong men.
For me, I had allowed the ‘inconsequential’ gifts distract me from more important things. What if these men had insisted on dinner or some other outing and I ended up doing what I shouldn’t have? That would have been the biggest regret.
Ladies, I shared this story to remind you that Valentine’s Day is just one day. Let us not allow the world’s pressures and expectations distract from the thing that truly matters — God’s best for us.
Neither should we focus or compare our lives with those on social media who seem to have it all. Nothing is ever as it seems. You may realise this too late and may be impossible to turn things around.
The trials won’t stop with marriage
Here’s another incontrovertible truth: trials and tribulations are a big part of our Christian life.
“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”
Which means that things will not be perfect once you start dating or get married.
The devil will only be waiting to pounce on this new chapter of our lives. This also means that if we entered into dating, courtship or marriage for the wrong reasons then it will be more difficult to triumph.
We have to realise that marriage:
- will not complete us.
- will not make our problems go away.
- is merely another chapter of our lives.
- will not turn men into superheroes or gods but just another human living an imperfect life with God’s help.
- was a gift to mankind for the glorification of God and the propagation of his kingdom.
- is about selfless service and pure love.
You have the power to redefine your need
Dear friend, I truly believe you have the power to change what Valentine’s Day and all the other days’ mean to you. You can choose to use it as another day to be kind, to be supportive, to be selfless and more so, to live boldly for our king.
“Do everything in love.”
1 Corinthians 16:14
Maybe you know other ladies who struggle during this season, I pray you’re there for them. Encourage them and remind them of these truths.
You may also choose to have fun with your friends. Here are 20 fun things you can all do.
At the end of the day, remember you have the choice and this can never be taken from you. You matter to God and you are enough.
I know I have said a lot to you today but these were things I needed to tell you. I wish we could have these conversations, more often, and over a cup of tea (or coffee for you), but let’s imagine it’s so.
Keep shining his Light. You are dearly loved.